It was with some trepidation that James opened the door at the top of the stairs and entered his dad’s workshop. The door hadn’t been opened in nine months since the night his dad had died and it felt like walking into a grave. James had been asked to clear the room so that Mum, who couldn’t bear to clear it herself, could move into a flat. It was only by coincidence that James had been there when his dad was electrocuted. He was taking him up a coffee and something to eat. Dad had been too engrossed in his work even to appear for meals, which was completely out of character. Maybe he really had been on the brink of a major scientific discovery that night that he died.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
This is still flashing back. It's not an in-the-moment scene (not enough detail, and you're using past perfect, as in "had been too engrossed), but it's not bare summary, either, because you keep giving details (coffee, etc.).
Here's my suggestion: one of these two.
quote: It was with some trepidation that James opened the door at the top of the stairs and entered his dad’s workshop. The door hadn’t been opened in nine months since the night his dad was killed trying to make ****, and it felt like walking into a grave.
There was dust all over the transdimenionalization circuits, and ...
(Then we continue with what James is doing and seeing, right now. No flashing back to the night dad died.)
(One problem I note: being alone and looking at a room isn't inherently that gripping. May not be the best place to start.)
or
quote:James stepped into the lab. "Dad?"
Dad didn't hear him. ... Suddenly there was a discharge, and sparks flew, and Dad went rigid ...
Posted by ethersong (Member # 3216) on :
Hey, I read through the story and made about a million comments. I must warn you, I didn't hold back at all. I think you could make something out of this but you have a lot of work to do on it. It appears that you need to work through some of the ideas more and try to put yourself into the story more (meaning, try to make the story real to you). I think those are your two main problems.
I'm also having one of my friends look at it and adding his comments so it might be slightly overwhelming, but I think you can handle it. . I'll email it to you in a bit.
[This message has been edited by ethersong (edited February 18, 2006).]
Posted by pdm_joker (Member # 3187) on :
Thanks guys, and ethersong thanks for your efforts. I guess I'ld rather get loads of comments than none at all!!
Phil
Posted by Susannaj4 (Member # 3189) on :
I read the story and liked it. I had to take several things into consideration and that is why I made the comments I did.
Posted by pdm_joker (Member # 3187) on :
. I'll email it to you in a bit.