James thumped the alarm clock and dragged himself out of bed. Pure will power. There was the familiar pit in his stomach, the nagging fear and the attempts at self-reassurance. Not that they gave him any. But what else could he do? He slowly got dressed and plodded downstairs for breakfast. Mum was in the kitchen. "Hurry up James, or you'll be late for school." "Yeah, Yeah." It was easy for her. She didn't have to face taunts all-day long because she looked odd. "Where's Dad?"
Well? TIA!
Phil
Posted by Johnmac1953 (Member # 3118) on :
I see this has been developing while I was away... You've started with a new scene, why? The original scene did it for me, with maybe a little tweak Ok, apart form the last line where you throw in a hook this is standard fare. It will work for sure but I do hanker after your original...tell me to shut-up! Best wishes John Mc...
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
I don't think I have any significant problems with the writing (though I wasn't happy with the "familiar pit in his stomach" - what is it, a peach pit? - and "all day long" doesn't need the hyphen), but I'm just not hooked. Some guy has woken up and got out of bed and walked downstairs and takled to his mother... what makes this an unusual day? What makes this an unusual person? There's the mention of "looking odd", but this could be anything from an unusual hairstyle to having three eyes.
Sorry, but I'm just not grabbed.
Posted by pdm_joker (Member # 3187) on :
Maybe I'll just stick to fixing computers!
:-)
Phil
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
What Tch. said. I think the issue is going to be his looks, right? That's the only unusual thing here. But he's in a situation in which his looks *don't* matter, so nothing's happening with it.
Posted by pdm_joker (Member # 3187) on :
JM: Yes, shut up! No, honestly,...
I've re-written the whole story because the original plot didn't quite work. And no tweaking of anything would resolve that.
No-one dies in the new version, BUT it still incorporates the original idea, and works better as a story.
Thanks,
Phil
Posted by ethersong (Member # 3216) on :
Well, this was kinda my fault...see his story is about this machine that makes your self-esteem go way up. And the way he started it didn't seem like a good place b/c it offers no contrast between before he finds the machine and after. Its like he has to tell us after he's confident about what a loser he was before...just didn't seem to work very well.
If you want an interesting place to start...start with him at school and getting bullied--something that puts conflict into it right at the beginning and makes the reader care about him. Oh, wait, but he's in college...so start with him trying to hit it off with that girl or something. We don't care about another kid waking up...give us some reason to sympathize with him.
[This message has been edited by ethersong (edited February 20, 2006).]
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
It might be an idea story (what are the weird effects of a machine that increases self-esteem), but I think it's more likely a character story (MC changes his role in life, or fails to, with the help of the machine).
If it's idea, it starts when he starts tinkering with the machine.
If it's character, it starts when he decides to change his role in life.
