I wrote this a few months ago and found it again while sorting through my files. I'm looking for readers. It's an SF short, roughly 4,500 words. Thanks guys! -------------------------------------- “The last transmission from the planet came at around 0300 standard this morning,” Greg Jordan said. “That’s about 1600 local. When that came in, the governor was already dead, along with roughly five thousand people in the capital.”
“What about the rest?” Sara Foster questioned.
Doug Hopper leaned forward. “The assumption is that they’re dead too. It’s the only reason the Empire can find for losing contact.”
The three, along with Foster’s assistant Jamie Long, sat around a table in the commons area of the starship Jade Queen, heading for the colony designated Alpha 6. They had been recruited by the Empire to uncover the truth behind the massacre at the colony.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Could be good. We've got no indication yet as to whose POV we're in, or how he or she feels about the information. Without knowing the significance, it's hard for me to be hooked.
Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
I'm not fond of dialog in the opening sentence. Give us an opening paragraph that sets the stage, THEN launch into your dialog. IMHO, Your final paragraph, reworked a little so it's got more of an "opener" tone to it, would make a better first paragraph than what you currently have.
Starting us in the middle of dialog means we have to spend all our time trying to sift through confusing comments and trying to figure out who the characters are. You lose the chance to hook readers if they are confused.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I'll second all comments, with particular emphasis on the potential of your opening.
Posted by The Fae-Ray (Member # 3084) on :
I don't like the way you shoot out all the names so quickly. If you do it that way, I never get to find out who the characters really are, so I don't really care.
Posted by Marva (Member # 3171) on :
Well, it certainly sets up the situation in a very few words. I don't see anything wrong with it. Unfortunately for you, I'm so easy that I give lousy feedback. I like anything that spells all the words correctly.
Posted by Aspirations (Member # 3213) on :
You hooked me in the second sentence with the information that the governor and 5,000 were dead.
I stumbled a bit over Hopper's statement: “The assumption is that they’re dead too. It’s the only reason the Empire can find for losing contact.”
You've set up a tense atmosphere and it seems his response should be more short and to the point, such as: "Unknown. We've lost contact." Also, I'm wondering who Hopper is and why he jumped into the conversation when it was clearly Jordan who initiated what appears to be a briefing of some sort.