The ash clouds are gone; the sky washed clean and autumn-blue again by the winds off the river. But the ash persists, along with the fine grainy powder annihilated buildings leave behind. It is underfoot, coats every surface, invades skin and hair. Jason’s eyes weep and run constantly, trying to clear themselves of the grit. He hasn’t washed in three days now and the constant wiping of tears with ash coated hands and sleeves leaves his face a mask of gray smudge. His tie is long since gone and his well-made suit a shapeless sack of worsted wool. The ruins of his coat are draped across his lap as he sits on the steps of St. John the Divine. One of his sleeves is missing a cuff-link and as he rests, head in his hands, the sleeve dangles from his forearm, its cuff black with grime. He stinks; knows he stinks and is distantly embarrassed by this.
Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :
A couple of general hatrack tips:
Let us know the genre and total length of your piece, along with what kind of feedback you want (crit of first 13, readers for the whole thing or for a few chapters of a novel, etc.)
Also, I noticed you posted two stories at once. Typically, it's best to have one active story you are discussing at a time. There are many people here trying to get feedback and it is more fair if each person has only one piece under scrutiny at a time.
Now, on to this fragment...
This has the feeling of a dream. If that's what you're going for then good job, but if not then I wonder if maybe it would help to give us something more than description. You set the stage for some post-apocalyptic story, but all I have is a stage or perhaps the opening credits of a movie. The written word's power tends to be more personal and so, for example, when you tell me that your MC is embarassed I want to feel that embarassment. I want him in an embarassing situation, acting and reacting to something significant. Right now, I just have a beautifully painted picture.
Posted by dckafka (Member # 3258) on :
OK. Sorry about the multiple posts. My bad. Thanks for the feedback.
Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
To add to what Christine said, it's VERY important to those of us who have been here a while to see that you are willing to GIVE as well as take. Try to keep a ratio of 10/1 when it comes to offering critiques versus asking for them. Too many people use us to get free feedback on their stories without ever contributing to the good of the community as a whole. It's sort of one of those subtle "netiquette" things. You'll find that many of the old-hats around here refuse to critique unless you've proven that you are an active contributor, both in this forum and with your opinions in the Open Discussion on Writing forum.
New people are usually shy to critique, and we urge them not to be. (I know I was... who, I wondered, would care what *I* thought?) The benefit to YOU is that you will learn far more by critiquing others than you will by being critiqued.
Beyond that, you've got a great writing style. I look forward to learning more about your take on things through reading your opinions and critiques.
Posted by thayerds (Member # 3260) on :
You have an excellent command of language and pase. Your word use is also very much to my liking. But and it is a big one; what is the point of view? Is this first person? If so who is the first person? If not, why are you describing everything in the past-present tense which is almost never used outside of first person point of view. This the reader must know right away: point of view, or reason for an unconventional use of tense. It's just not clear. Like I said at the start of my critique, you have a great command of making pictures with words, something many, many, never learn.
Posted by ethersong (Member # 3216) on :
I absolutely love this type of writing--the tone is magnificient and at the same time you still manage to make me interested in the story. Makes me slightly wistful...
Anyways, I'd like to see if you keep up that tone. Its a hard one to keep up in my experience since it is so rich. I'd like to read more if whenever you need it.
Hmm...just one conceptual question (since we can't just give you positive comments! That won't do you any good): it seems to me that he's in a place that has been destroyed and has been there for a while. Why would he be embarrased by this?
And I think the phrase "invades skin and hair" sounds a little awkward.
Posted by Aalanya (Member # 3263) on :
I really love your writing style. You bring a lot of richness onto the page. I actually began feeling as if my own eyes were itching in sympathy. (I hate getting things in my eyes.)
Of all the fragments I've read so far, I think yours is the most compelling to me.
Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :
This is well done, but I was distracted, wondering about the kind of disaster. Was this nuclear? A volcanic eruption? I'm not sure what is going on. Also, as has already been mentioned, WHY would he feel embarrassed? In fact he feels "distantly embarrassed." Not sure what "distantly" embarrassed is. Nit: "fine grainy powder." To me this is grating. A powder may be fine OR it may be grainy, being both seems a contradiction.
Posted by duv2 (Member # 3026) on :
I too, liked the style but had a hard time figuring out the POV. It seemed distant from Jason, until the last sentence when it seemed to know he was “distantly embarrassed” (a line that i liked and did not have trouble with).
Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
Since someone brought up a volcano as a possible source of the ash and "fine powder", I thought I'd toss in my two cents worth. I live about 90 miles southeast of Mt. St. Helens, and since I am older than dirt, I remember the 1980 eruption of the mountain with vivid clarity. We were in the ash fall-out zone for more than one eruption. Volcanic ash is NOT "fine and powdery". It looks like gray snow when it's falling. Visibility sucks. It is like sandpaper, due to the glass and fine bits of lava rock mingled in. It will scratch the surface of your car, glass, ruin your car engine (including clogging up your air filter and stopping the car dead), get into your lungs, irritate the bloody hell out of your eyes, and if you happen to be growing spinach in your own little garden you can toss the entire crop out... you'll never be able to wash it off the spinach leaves.
If your ash is from a different source, like burning buildings, I doubt the same details would apply.
Posted by Johnmac1953 (Member # 3118) on :
I enjoyed this scene, it's not a hook, nevertheless it works as my sympathy for the MC grew while you outlined his predicament! No suggestions at all, good work. Best wishes John Mc...
Posted by Rahl22 (Member # 1411) on :
Interesting scene. The weird use of semi-colons bugged me a bit (Linking independent clauses with fragments is unusual and grammatically incorrect, not to imply you can't do it in fiction.) It IS moody, and I liked that. Not sure what genre this is, but do you need a prologue? And do you need to write this in first person?
Posted by dckafka (Member # 3258) on :
Does a change in tense make it less awkward:
The ash clouds were gone; the sky washed clean and autumn-blue again by the winds off the river. But the ash persisted, along with the fine grainy powder annihilated buildings leave behind. It was underfoot, coated every surface, invaded skin and hair. Jason’s eyes wept and ran constantly, trying to clear themselves of the grit. He hadn’t washed in three days and the constant wiping of tears with ash coated hands and sleeves left his face a mask of gray smudge. His tie was long since gone and his well-made suit a shapeless sack of worsted wool. The ruins of his coat were draped across his lap as he sat on the steps of St. John the Divine. One of his sleeves was missing a cuff-link and as he rested, head in his hands, the sleeve dangled from his forearm, its cuff black with grime. He stank; knew he stanks and was distantly embarrassed by this.
Posted by pdm_joker (Member # 3187) on :
I liked this, a lot. I guessed the destroyed buildings were from nuclear, so why is St. John the Divine still standing?
I hope this isn't trite, but how about replacing the last line with something like:
--------- The idea of having a soothing hot bath and change of clothes has never been more heavenly. ---------
I'm embarrassed because I don't know what past-present tense is...
I'll just crawl away and hide...
Phil
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
Tha language is nice. I liek the flow of it a lot. It kind of has a broken, other-worldly feel ot it. I think oyu could simplify a bit. You are paining a pictur and it seems to get a bit muddled with all the strange detail--like St. John the Devine. Maybe make things a bit more familiar and we will more easily get a bead on what's happening. Just a thought.
And I'm not a fan of present tense so I liked the second version better, but the last line was awkward.
quote:He stank; knew he stanks and was distantly embarrassed by this.
It's the "stanks" Stunk? or plain old stank? I'm not sure which sounds better.
