Gerald soured even the happiest days like Christmas. Initially, it was believed to be because of his face, with hundreds of scars that covered his whole head like a fisherman's net. The other children in the orphanage avoided him, though not because he was ugly. There was something about him that made bad things happen to people. Sister Marissa thought the other orphans were just being mean.
The nun caught Gerald moping by the window while the other children played “Duck, Duck, Goose.” She walked over to the boy and put her hand on his shoulder.
“Don't you want to play with the others, Gerald?”
“No,” he whispered. “I don't want to hurt them.”
Posted by Dude (Member # 1957) on :
This is not really grabbing me--that first paragraph is a bit dry and needs a POV--who's the narrator? It is pretty short. Send it to me and I'll look at it. wolf_dude64@yahoo.com
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
What grabbed me was the last line.
Nits:
You're telling us twice what *isn't* happening: what was initially believed, and "not because he was ugly." Tell us what *is* happening.
That first line makes Gerald seem sour. Pick another way of saying what he does to Christmas?
The nun -> Sister Marissa. (Just a little clearer.)
I'll read.
Posted by ethersong (Member # 3216) on :
I'll read it.
Posted by Jessica (Member # 3099) on :
I think this has a lot of potential. The last line is especially hooking. It makes me wonder about this kid. Has he been told he was dangerous for so long that he believes it himself? Or does he not have any control over what ever it is that makes him dangerous? It's clear from the fact that he doesn't want to play with them that he doesn't want to hurt them. Questions like that will keep the reader reading.
The first sentence doesn't work for me. Where does Christmas come into the story? Perhaps, there's a better way to say that he wasn't a happy child.
Now, I'm not sure what POV it is. If it was Gerald's then the reader would know what ever is wrong with him that causes the bad things. But then he wouldn't know what Sister Marissa thought unless she told him. But if it was told from Sis. Marissa's view then she wouldn't know that he wasn't happy or what he believed. Also, how old is the child? From his thoughts, it seems like he is an older child. But They are playing Duck, Duck, Goose, which I think of younger children playing. It is a bit confusing.
Good luck with it--I think it has a great hook.
Posted by dckafka (Member # 3258) on :
I'll look it over if you like.
Posted by Constipatron (Member # 3183) on :
It's a bit fuzzy in the first portion, the POV seems a bit confusing. Are you trying to describe a scene or event? Or set up the POV? Perhaps clarifying the POV would help it; I remember OSC's opening to, I THINK, "Ender's Shadow" about Bean, how he didn't have it right until he'd shown Bean through someone else's POV first. When I read this, I think the POV should naturally be from Sister Marissa. As someone who obviously works with children, possibly troubled children, she may actually notice that Gerald is unhappy or that the other children shy away from him. The fact that he's there at Christmas, to've established that he darkens it prior to this year in the story, seems to indicate that he's been in the orphanage for a while. I think it completely plausable for Sister Marissa to notice his unhappiness and the wariness of the child. Is he a child though, or is he older than that? I think the story's good so far, though it might be useful to start the story earlier, perhaps with Gerald coming to the orphanage or, from the nun's POV, when she receives charge of Gerald, what does she notice about the boy? What does she assume caused the scarring? etc.. Perhaps during those earlier years you could give examples for what he does that's unpleasant to the others? I like it. It reminds me of several books I like already. I'll definitely read it.