[This message has been edited by Leaf II (edited February 23, 2006).]
Posted by Ray (Member # 2415) on :
Not hooked. I'm a little confused why his gums are bleeding, and why it'd be because of an alligator. Alligators usually bite, so I'd be thinking it's more than gums that are injured, unless the gator whacked him in the face with his tail, whatever. Or is the gator a person, and that's just the title he goes by? If that's the case, the name should be capitalized, but as it is, I have no clue what's going on.
Posted by dckafka (Member # 3258) on :
Hmmm. I disagree with Ray. I think the first two sentences are a good hook. It's wanting the answer to the questions they create (which Ray asked above) that holds th reader in.
You lose me on the second paragraph. However, send away. I'll be happy to give the whole story a look.
Posted by trousercuit (Member # 3235) on :
quote:Leaf II said: brb....
[This message has been edited by Leaf II (edited February 23, 2006).]
I dunno about this - it seems a bit terse. Opening with an Internet colloquialism is an added risk as well. If it were LOL it might be more interesting. BRB is okay as a hook - I mean, who is this, where is he going, and when will he be back? It generates lots of questions already. On the other hand, LOL has these: Who's laughing? What's he laughing about? Is it happy laughing, insane laughing or relief laughing? When will he stop? Is it the narrator laughing or the POV character? Would LOL make a good name for a rock band?
I'd avoid HAND and YMMV like the plague. Glad you didn't fall into those traps.
Posted by Leaf II (Member # 2924) on :
HHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH
Oh man. +20 points. That was funny. No... I had a story up, but I took it down for a sec...
