Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Pygmalion Effect

This is topic The Pygmalion Effect in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by NeedCatScan (Member # 3266) on :

The first paragraph:

The floor was not going to get any cleaner; it was just scrubbed recently, yet Father Maxim wanted it scrubbed again. The reason, of course, was for his twisted pleasure. He may love making us slave over chores, but to make us work all day over useless tasks gratified him even more. I could see the glint of amusement every time he walked by. He was the worst of the three priests; the other two thought of us as lowly scum that needed to be treaded on so we knew our place in the world. Father Maxim thought of us as equals; which is why he received so much pleasure from treating us like filth.

[This message has been edited by NeedCatScan (edited February 28, 2006).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

Not too bad. I don't understand Fr.'s attitude -- who treats equals, rather than inferiors, like filth? so I'll want that explained next. I also will want some explanation of how this monastery? ended up with not 1 priest -- hard enough to believe, given the nature of the job -- but *3* who loathe the next generation of clerics (or parishioners, or wahtever they are).

That is, I don't believe in your villain, although I do believe in (and understand) your MC.

Posted by Tanglier (Member # 1313) on :

I think that the narrator is supplying too much of his/her own opinion. It makes your author sound petulant. Just describe the flow of events, and I think that my sympathy for the characters will develop naturally. Life is hard, and nobody likes a whiner.

I'd also refrain from saying, "of course."

[This message has been edited by Tanglier (edited February 26, 2006).]

Posted by apeiron (Member # 2565) on :

Ooo--Father Maxim sounds like a great antagonist. While the other two priests wouldn't treat those they regard as their peers like they treat scum, this Maxim revels in lording over his fellow man when he gets the chance.

You should tell us who the narrator is soon. And why s/he and his/her peers seem to be the slaves of a group of priests. And jump into the action--too much telling about Maxim and the priests and not any showing to back it up will just annoy your readers after a while.

Good opening. Interesting villain. If I were doing full crits, I'd volunteer. But time is not on my side lately.

Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :

An interesting opening, but an inconsistency in verb tense.
The third sentence needs parallel structure.

The only thing that bothered me was the last two sentences, which seemed trite in the references to "lowly scum" and filth. I see that idea you are trying to frame, but the words don't quite mesh.

As others have already written, there needs to be a good explanation why all three priests want to debase these acolytes.

[This message has been edited by Omakase (edited February 27, 2006).]

Posted by Aalanya (Member # 3263) on :

I think this needs a bit of work on the technical side. Omakase pointed out the verb tense. There is also a misuse of the ";" in the last line. These things are easy to fix, though it might take some time if they are sprinkled throughout the whole text. Not a major problem, but it should be dealt with.

I can sort of see what you're getting at in this first paragraph, and I like it. My issue is that some of the wording you use distorts that image. I think in a couple places you dumb it down a little for the reader, and that's not really necessary. (But believe me, I think dumbing it down is an easier problem to deal with than being completely confusing.) For example, you allow the main character to explain how the priests think, when a more powerful approach might be to let the priests' actions speak for themselves. If you allow the story to show itself, the reader won't have to be told what to think.

The other problem with the wording is the use of cliche. Instead of making the text more colorful, the words "lowly scum" (for example) make it duller. It's hard work to come up with original descriptions, but it's worth it.

All that said, I'm interested. I like the potentials you develop with Maxim's character. I feel like I could really get into his psychology.

I also think you have a lot of potential yourself as a writer. Several of these problems will naturally iron themselves out the more you practice. (And after 90000 words, you're probably well on your way.) I'm not saying that to be condescending. I think you can really get somewhere if you keep working.

Posted by NeedCatScan (Member # 3266) on :

Thanks for all the replies guys. It's nice to have real advice as opposed to the advice I received from my college peers which consisted of "oh that's great" and that's it. Considering the length of time I have been working on the novel I think I had worked out most of the kinks that you guys have mentioned, but not all. I will be revising the first two chapters, so I thank you for your help.