*******

The end. That’s all anyone knew- that there had been an end. Great civilizations had once been spread upon the earth; their buildings still stood, half rubble, to challenge the imaginations of the men who now lived. Where once there had been countries whole continents wide, now a man could walk but two day’s journey and find himself in a foreign place. It was a world of violence and unease, of tribes set against one another in fear or in jealousy. This was the world into which Peirt was born.

Had he not been born in Farlae, he might as well not have been born at all. It was the memories of this place that made him, even more than the trials he later faced. He was Farlae, and Farlae clung to him.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 02, 2006).]
 

The end. That’s all anyone knew-[YOU NEED AN EM DASH HERE, --] that there had been an end. Great civilizations had once been spread upon the earth; their buildings still stood, half rubble, to challenge the imaginations of [the] men who now lived. Where once there had been countries [whole] continents wide, now a man could walk but two day’s journey and find himself in a foreign place. [It was a world of violence and unease, of tribes set against one another in fear or in jealousy.] This was the world into which Peirt was born.

[Had he not been born in Farlae, he might as well not have been born at all. It was the memories of this place that made him, even more than the trials he later faced. He was Farlae, and Farlae clung to him.

From the tops of the Aplachi Mountains, down through the foothills and then into the rolling hills of Farlae ran the Rho River... ]][THEN WE GET SOME ACTION HAPPENING, I THINK.]
 

I love how you point out that the Farlae culture was him...of course, I don't really know woh the he is yet, but its ok because you have given me something to identify him with. If I'm right about Farlae being a culture, then I can learn about the character by learning about the culture as much as anything.

Nice.
 

"Had [Piert] not been born in Farlae, he might as well not have been born at all."

Could be a good hook. You introduce the MC and let us know his life is not all skittles and beer in one swell foop.
 

Basically we now have some important and distinct idea of what the state of the world is. We know of an important culture/civilization that we will be hearing about, and we know of a character who we already see some glimpse of importance/specialness in.

I would suggest something along the lines of "countries spanning continents" as the "whole" seems a bit tacked on, but the "countries continents wide" while grammatically correct seems akward.
 

I think this is the hardest I've ever worked on a piece of fiction. I may not be sweating, but I feel like I'm doing enough hard labor that I should be.

I should probably ask for readers in a separate post, but if anyone is reading this and feels inclined to look over my first chapter, please let me know.
 

Then there is no reason to have both sentences repeating the same idea.

Where once single countries had spanned whole continents, now a man could walk but two day’s journey and find himself _____.

You could fill in the blank at the end of that with some specific type of incident that would show (rather than tell) all that about a world of violence and unease.

Find himself strung up as a spy or caught and sold into slavery.

Where once single countries had spanned whole continents, now a man could walk but two day’s journey and find himself strung up as a spy or caught and sold into slavery. (or whatever the violence is)

Just a suggestion to get more info into fewer sentences and words.

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited March 01, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited March 01, 2006).]