SF short story. About 1050 words. Looking for reviewers of the whole thing.
Three generations cried softly as I entered the elevator and pushed the button. The steel doors closed with a final solid bump. I heard the turbine spin up, then sudden acceleration pushed me down into a squat against the back wall as the tiny car shot toward the surface. Pain sliced through my legs like a thousand invisible razors. Five miles to go. Soon there will be no more pain. No more laughter, no more fear of failure, no more food shortages or water rations. No wore worrying about that baby, or listening to it cry from hunger. No more thinking about how we will ever break free of Jupiter's gravity well, or how we will get back home. No more sacrifice.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
What does it mean for 3 generations to cry? What's the sacrifice? Why will there be no more pain? Who's stuck in Jupiter's gravity well, and why?
I can't tell what's happening.
Posted by ethersong (Member # 3216) on :
A rather interesting beginning. I kind of see what you are saying by the "three generations cried softly" but I can also see how it is confusing. Since there are usually three generations alive at any given time, you are saying that everyone is crying as he did this. Is that what you mean? I think its an interesting and cleverly dramatic way to say it...except for the fact that most people won't get it.
I like the rest of it though. Is gripping.
Send it over, I'll review it.
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
The "three generations cried softly" is certainly an intriguing opening. The hook is good, although I am slightly concerned by the tense switch half way through it - you can easily switch from present to future tense, but past to future rarely works.
If you wish to pass it along, I'll read.
Posted by pjp (Member # 3211) on :
I first read 'generations' as generATORS. It wasn't until I'd read the first reply that I realized my error. I believe I understand the reference, but you might try to make it more clear. 3 generations being that the MC is 'abandoning' something that his family has had a tie to for 3 generations.
The sudden acceleration and pain seems odd. I think we should know more about why this is the case... is it a punishment? If this were simply an 'elevator' away from something, it seems that the acceleration would be more gradual so as to avoid causing pain (who'd use today's elevators if they caused pain?).
The reference to 'that baby' seems weird. Being a specific baby, it seems as though the MC has a tie to it, and 'no more worrying' (you've a typo there btw, wore) inappropriate. Why would the MC worry about it before, but suddenly lose any attachment to it (whatever that might be)? If I'm worried about someone today, no matter how far I travel, I'll still worry about them tomorrow.
Otherwise, I think it is compelling enough to read on.
Posted by Salimasis (Member # 2490) on :
I'm intrigued.
Posted by krazykiter (Member # 3108) on :
Couple of nits:
If the acceleration of the elevator is so intense as to cause a person to squat, I wonder why the goofy thing doesn't have some kind of seating. Second, symptoms such as lightheadedness and vision loss might start creeping in if the g forces are sufficiently high.
You might re-word the last paragraph to give us an idea of WHY those things will be true.
Posted by Dude (Member # 1957) on :
If you are still looking for readers, send it my way. wolf_dude64@yahoo.com
Posted by zipperhead409 (Member # 3268) on :
It's pretty damn good, something that I'd definitely continue.
Send it my way.
The flow is great until the last few lines though, are you setting up for something?
[This message has been edited by zipperhead409 (edited March 11, 2006).]
Posted by Mystic (Member # 2673) on :
I thought the premise was good, but I felt the description was misplaced. I could care less about the elevator and the pain because I am too busy trying to figure out how there will be no more pain. It's good though, definitely will read and critique it if you need it.