The air was rushing fast past the open windows of Daren’s car, filling his ears with that static roaring sound that he loved so much. His hair whipped around his head, getting in his ears and eyes. Ahead, the headlights lit up the empty, country road. Outside the light it was dark in all directions. The sky was dark with black clouds; the moon looked like an out of focus white ball of light trying to shine through. Daren glanced over at Jared, sitting in the passenger, holding tightly to the car door handle. He looked tense, thought Daren. Daren looked down at the speedometer; the little orange needle was nearing eighty. To his left in the dark he could see forms of trees and telephone poles go by so fast that he often had trouble recognizing them. He fought the urge to close his eyes
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 02, 2006).]
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
The only thing here that hooks me is that light bulbb going off, but since Daren can't remember what it is, I'm not sure whether it's going to be interesting or not. Otherwise there are two guys driving fast in the dark, and I don't know why, I don't know their relationship, I don't know anything. The description isn't bad, though I'm kind of confused about how dark it really is (you say everything's dark outside the headlights, but there's a moon and he can see telegraph poles etc). But there's no real context for me to place it in.
Also, Daren and Jared are structurally very similar and that can be awkward for names; plus I've never come across a Daren, only Darrens with two rs.
Posted by dckafka (Member # 3258) on :
A lot of description here, working very hard to be dynamic. Sometimes the descriptions fight each other rather than creating a coherant image. There's no hook here. Jared's need for speed isn't enough to draw me in.
Posted by pjp (Member # 3211) on :
I'm in agreement with tchernabyelo regarding what we don't know. We should know everything the main character knows that is relevant up to this point. Who is Jared, and why are they in this situation.
Daren vs. Darren is odd, but nothing significant... just thought I'd mention that it caught my attentiona as well. I don't have the problem with names that others do though, so for me, Jared & Daren are OK (I'd probably do OK with Daryl and Darl though).
Also, some of the imagery doesn't work for me. Daren seems to be looking around too much, and not paying attention to driving that fast on a minor road (incidentally, I transposed 'country' road into 'dirt' road initially).
Posted by Choccido (Member # 3299) on :
(For the record, I've only seen Jared's with two r's; Jarred, but nevermind that.) I didn't even realize they were driving until I read about the speedometer... Why is he driving if he can't stay awake? I don't really understand the point of this story in the first place. Why are they here? Explain more.