Hatrack River Writers Workshop: What The Heart Bears

This is topic What The Heart Bears in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=001825

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

Fantasy. c.9,400 words. Looking for readers.

===

The wind slid off Kun Cheng Mountain, sharp and cold as a knife to the heart.

Bai Wong, muffled in furs, stood outside the door of the Pillow World. He felt inside his coat, for the money-pouch. It did not feel so heavy, somehow, as it had back at Chan Cheng Mine. He wondered if he had enough money, or if they would laugh at him, and turn him out onto the bitter streets. There were other places in Tsongda that would be glad to take his money; wineshops and noodle-houses. Perhaps, even, somewhere behind an unmarked door, there might be a woman who would take his coin, and offer him certain kindnesses in return.
But he had been told of men who had knocked on such doors...

Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :

Overall I liked this opening. It jumps a bit quickly through some things which could be described better or elaborated upon, but it flows well.

There are some syntax problems, but those are easily fixed (semicolon is incorrect and there are some extra commas)

I'd be interested in reading it, send it over.

I'm certainly curious to know if he is planning to buy a futon or something at Pillow World!

[This message has been edited by Omakase (edited February 28, 2006).]

Posted by dckafka (Member # 3258) on :

Happy to give it a read.

The hook doesn't quite work. Too many hiccups - for example, pillow world makes me think of a store in a strip mall ("Come to Pillow World, where the discounts on Temperpedic Bioform Pillows are INSANE!"). Too much time enumerating the places the MC might go to spend his money, I feel like you're trying to build background, but it bogs your opening down.

Why "...as a knife to the heart"? Cold and sharp as a knife is a cliche. Knife to the heart strikes me as overlaying one cliche with another.

Do like the far east fantasy (I'd guess) setting.

[This message has been edited by dckafka (edited February 28, 2006).]

Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :

I've read this once, haven't I?

I'll delighted to read the new version (and by now I have forgotten what I said about the old one, so I might even make a good first reader).

Posted by Susannaj4 (Member # 3189) on :

There are too many things named here and I had to stop at each one and take note to continue. And the Pillow World threw me too.

Is he at Tsongda? Maybe you could say that instead. Door jumped out at me. Maybe it's just the picture I'm getting from the description.

Posted by Johnmac1953 (Member # 3118) on :

The first line could easily be added 'into' the main paragraph I think. Apart from that nitpick...I'm hooked by the unusual setting (Tibet or Nepal?) so if you can be patient I will read it by the weekend?
Best Wishes
John Mc...

Posted by NMgal (Member # 2769) on :

I'll read it for you.

Posted by Tanglier (Member # 1313) on :

I like it.

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

Sent to Omakase, dckafka, Silver3, Johnmac1953, and NMgal, as requested.

Many thanks for volunteering, and thanks to the others who took the time to comment.

Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :

I thnk you might do well here to strip out the weak words which add nothing and slow down the beginning, i.e. the evens and the somehows.

I'd read but as you might have guessed I'm busy on my own project. But good luck with the rewrite.