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These are the first 13 lines (well, two paragraphs) from a story I've been working on. I've been posting the story online daily since the beginning of the year, so I'm looking for people's suggestions on how to make it really grab a casual web surfer's attention.
I already know it doesn't start off as fast as it should and I'm wondering if I should rewrite the whole beginning, especially considering the audience. I already rewrote it a little to stick some action in, but it's not until 5 or 6 paragraphs in, day two in the online posting. Is that already too late? If you need a little more context for the first couple paragraphs you can read more (http://circadiansaga.blogspot.com/2006/01/0001-welcome-to-haggor.html) but the first paragraphs are what I'm really interested in improving.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 03, 2006).]
Maybe it's that MC didn't seem interested.
Here is what I'd do: Keep the first sentence(take out a minute). Ditch the second. Start the third, "The buildings," then cut "seemed to be..." and just say, "crawling up the cargo ramp."
The only real writing that stuck out at me was "Not that it mattered, it already coated the hull of his ship, not to mention the cargo bay, cargo, and his own knee-high boots."
First, if it didn't matter, why mention it? Describing the dust is fine, but I don't think telling us its lack of importance is. Also, going on about how many things it covers is too much. Going back a bit, maybe something like:
They glowed red in the setting sun, a sharp contrast to the cool shade of his ship. Teriel eyed the thick dust that seemed to cover everything, and appeared to be creeping up the cargo ramp like a living thing.
An alternative might be to cut out 'cargo.' If the cargo bay is covered, then likely everything in it would be too.
Storywise, you're starting in the wrong place. I actually could tell that just by reading what KDW let you keep, but I read the first page of your story to be sure.
Start at the beginning. What is he doing here? What is his cargo? Have the guy that he's supposed to meet show up pretty fast (like you have maybe 2-3 sentences to set the scene, and then I want some action).
Hope this helps.
You also say that there probably isn't much danger in the city, then you reveal that it is a toxic waste dumping ground. Afterwards, you reveal that there is almost certainly a criminal with unknown motives hiding somewhere in the city, possibly waiting to hijack an unsuspecting ship.
That's enough to leave a bad taste in my mouth as a reader for any type of story, but the actual solution to your problem requires a bit more knowledge of the particular compass of the "Circadian Saga". In other words, this is going to be an ongoing work so I simply don't have the option of reading the whole thing and telling you where to start
If you look at a couple of ongoing narrative webcomics...say Schlock Mercenary, then you could get an idea or two. Schlock Mercenary starts (or at least, originally started) back when Schlock first became a mercenary. Misfile begins with the actual misfile and it's immediate effects. Evil Inc. begins with LL's need to go to Evil Inc. to straighten out a credit card 'mishap'. Turn Signals on a Land Raider begins with the Kren and Frep being...'inducted' into the Emperor's Pointy Sticks as crew for the new Land Raider.
Okay, so these are all...well, comedy. But other than that, they also have a common element. They all start with a clear beginning that defines everything that comes afterwards. Try and figure out the fundamental event that sets everything in motion for your saga. I couldn't tell you what it is, but I can sense that you aren't starting there. You might even be starting with the wrong POV character.
I also don't really like "literally as well as figuratively." It's a phrase that's already overused, and in my opinion it's a fairly lazy phrase. Find a better way of saying this.
Last thing: give me something that really sparks my interest. Tell me something unique about Teriel or this place that he is in. Give me a picture or a fact that is so memorable that I'll still remember it a week from now.