Three thin grey shadows mellowed on the creamy curves of desert sand. The exaggeratedly elongated shadows formed the union of my father, mother, and older sister. My own slight nine-year old shadow lay hooked to my feet some way behind the others. My insomnious body trudged on reluctantly as the meager shreds of sunlight filtered through the clouds, barely lit up the coming day.

I spat a look that could curdle fresh camel milk as I stepped on the foremost part of my father’s shadow. Kicking the ghostly sand with my bare foot, I wished myself back safe and warm under the sheltered tent -but my father would have us meandering before the break of dawn in this abominable cold…
 

It's hard for me to judge this as a college app material. How hifalutin is the college, and are you planning a creative writing major, or English, or something else? At my college, we'd be happy at your apparently flawless grasp of mechanics, and your ability to think in metaphor, and to put emotion in.

If this were pop fiction, though, I'd say it's sort of tough going. I had to work to get through the descriptions to what you were showing. (Maybe this is a plus in college apps?)

If it were pop fiction, beyond that, I'd suggest
* "I spat a look": I can't picture this. "Gave a look" or "spat a curse" would work.
* I'd be hooked earlier if I knew MC was angry at Dad immediately (if that's what the story's about?)
* The cold took me by surprise. Tell us as soon as we know where we are

 

Right now, I can only say that the opening convinces me quite clearly that the narrator is making this all up, it doesn't seem consistent or plausible. If this is supposed to be non-fiction, that could be a major problem. Even for fiction, it's a no-no.
 

What is popfiction?
 

Oops. Now I get it. Thing is, you're writing a nonfiction bio as if it were creative fiction. I don't know your admissions board, but I wouldn't. I'd do plain, expository writing, without an attempt to be artistic -- like a newspaper article or column. Facts, and everything reaching to the appropriate conclusion, which is that you'd be a good student at Georgetown.

Good luck!
 

But from a technical standpoint, the repetition of "shadow" in each of the first three sentences doesn't work for me, and nor did "insomnious", and nor did the idea of "spitting" a look.
And I think you should use "lighting" rather than "lit" at the end of the first paragraph, unless you hive it off separately.

On the other hand, the first sentence is effective and emotive, and I definitely get a strong sense of place and mood from what you've got so far.
 

My impression of this is that you are simply trying too hard to write it and give it "color" and as a result you are tripping over your own prose. Write it simply. Less is more:

"My insomnious body trudged on reluctantly as the meager shreds of sunlight filtered through the clouds, barely lit up the coming day."

How about:

"Exhausted, I forced myself to walk through dappled morning sunlight."
 

thanks for the comments everyone.
 

There are times it is to your benefit to swim against the current, and other times it's best to go with the flow. Go with the accepted format. Save the creative nonfiction in your writing for your creative writing class.

If you are not certain what the University is asking of you, call them and ask for some clarity around the assignment. Secretaries answer the phone and are some of the most knowlegeable and helpful people in the world.
 

As for your narrative, the only thing that I didn't like was all the adjectives. Too thick to wade through while I was trying to see what the point of it all was.

Good luck! Georgetown University is a tough school to get into, as I understand it.

[This message has been edited by apeiron (edited March 06, 2006).]
 

Since no one else seems to be volunteering, I'll read your essay. ethersong@gmail.com
 

The Admissions Committee would like to know more about you in your own words. Please submit a brief essay, either autobiographical or creative, which you feel best describes you. (limit 3700 characters)

I think he's going the creative route here. In case you didn't notice.
 

Just so you know I'm a she not a he. It's just that I found no use in posting it since no one was volunteering to read the whole thing anyways.
 

The reason I say that is because you start out talking about how there is no trace of you left in the world and I don't think that that topic is big and significant enough as far as dealing with what the college wants to know about you. I do think you should include it, just maybe not as a start. Plus, it doesn't flow as well into the background of your life.

What it looks like you want to do here is introduce a scene that tells a bit about you in present tense. Then you want to do a little self-analysis. I think its a good idea. However, I think the guys on here may have scared your emotion off a bit too much. There are some parts where I still feel like I can reach in and understand you while in other parts I feel like its a bland history.

So take that in consideration. I know you said its due in a week..which is probrably within the next couple days now...so I'll go ahead and add my comments onto it and send it back along with this post in case you don't check this anytime soon.

 

In this case, since the essay is supposed to reveal information about an actual person (you) it is better if the first person character doesn't seem patently unrealistic. If you'd like to write yourself into a fictional situation, that's interesting, but the character should still be a person that could be recognized as you. A simple, non-narrative essay describing your beliefs, values, and abilities doesn't have to be boring either. It could be very creative.