Fantasy novelette: 12,500 words. This is not a rough draft and should be an easy read. I am looking for a couple of readers, can make general or detailed comments. Minor sexual content, minor swearing.
Junk Street Dragon
With a paper bag of trash clutched in her arms, Katie limped through the darkness of the narrow backyard to the burn-barrel. She liked this chore, especially at night when the sparse light of the streetlamp glistened on the damp grass and shadows gathered across the stone circle of her aunt’s derelict garden. A puff of ash rose as she tossed the bag into the barrel. Instantly, flames erupted. She jumped back, averting her eyes. There must have been a live coal waiting in the ash. The fire snapped, green smoke hazed the yard. What had her aunt thrown into the garbage? Out of the corner of her eye, Katie saw a glint. An ember of burning paper must have risen with the smoke. But when she
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 09, 2006).]
Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :
I'm always happy to give your stories a read.
If you're not in too much of a hurry (I have another novelette to crit), I'll be glad to help.
Posted by LMermaid (Member # 2778) on :
I like this opening (and I really enjoyed the last story I read for you), so I would be happy to read.
Like Silver, though, it'll take me a little bit to get back to you. Is that OK? I'm swamped until the 18th, but after that I'll have plenty of time.
Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :
Update: I'm done with the novelette. Took less time than I thought it would, mainly because I had very little to say .
Posted by Kickle (Member # 1934) on :
Thanks guys, I'll send it to you when I get home from work.
Posted by autumnmuse (Member # 2136) on :
Unfortunately I don't have time for a full crit, but it sounds like you're doing okay on that department.
The only thing I noticed is an excessive use of adjectives. To me, it interrupts the flow a little bit. But some readers enjoy more adjectives than I do, so I could be wrong.
If you've read "The First Five Pages" by Noah Lukeman, he does an eloquent job of explaining the perils of excessive adjective use. You might want to just look at it. I know that everyone has different styles and I'm not saying he's always right, but it definitely helped me.
Posted by Ray (Member # 2415) on :
If you don't mind having a third reader, I'd like to take a look.
Posted by Kickle (Member # 1934) on :
Ray, three is what I was hoping for, so I will send it to you. That should be enough readers for now.
Autumn, I agree with you on the adjectives. Actually, there are far fewer of them in the rest of this story and I hope all of the ones in this part serve a purpose. I do appreciate your reading suggestion and thoughts--those of us who find adjectives irresisitable always can use reminding and advice.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I like this opening too. Straight to action, and pretty clear, after paragraph 1. Paragraph 1 took a little work to read. You might tell us that she's taking out the trash (I deduced it, but that's work). Also, Katie's limping. I want to know why; or else don't tell us she's a limper till later, since it's not crucial to this scene.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I wish I had time. Good setting, good action, but Katie is a bit ambiguous. She doesn't seem very young from the POV writing, but she can't be all that old either.
Posted by Kickle (Member # 1934) on :
Survivor,I'm glad you mentioned how her age came across, it was one of my concerns and you saw it as I intended.
Limper--I'll have to remember that one. I wanted to use gimp, but I was struggling to find the least distracting word for a limper.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Huh? I might not have been very clear. The POV diction makes her seem older than a teenager, the action makes her seem a bit younger than...say, 10. If that's what you want to do, I suppose it's valid (though of course you shouldn't rely on that alone, sooner or later you'll have to explicitly address the issue). If not, it's a minor problem.
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