This is going to be a detective/fantasy short story. Set in a frontier town in a land with Dragons, Wizards and elves. It is a mix of western/mystery/comedy with knife-slingers instead of gunslingers and a bumbling "detective" with crude tools of the trade. (13 lines in word, a few more here!)
“MURDER IN THE NIGHT!” The town crier announced to the early morning crowd. He stepped to the corner of the dirt crossroads that was the main intersection of the small frontier town and waited for the people to gather near. Men and women gathered around the crier to hear the full accounting of the news he had to give. Apparently Bryan Harper, a wealthy merchant who ran most of the wagon trains and the general store, had been killed in his home by a Blade Slinger. His young wife, Rose Harper, was now a widow and was offering a tidy sum as reward for finding out who was responsible. Tom Jarvis was having his morning cup of coffee at a little shop there on the same corner. It was a strange place that served
Let me know!
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 13, 2006).]
Posted by Johnmac1953 (Member # 3118) on :
The scene is well set, but as you said that there was comedy in the story I was disappointed that you didn't put some in the beginning! Overall I found this was easy to read, and to understand. Perhaps if this world is populated by other beings, they would also gather around the Town Cryer too? A bounty hunter eating sweet cakes and drinking coffee...doh! Now I remembered the funny bit Best Wishes John Mc...
Posted by pantros (Member # 3237) on :
Start with the PoV character and his recieving of the news rather than starting with the news and moving on to the PoV character.
Posted by mommiller (Member # 3285) on :
I really like this idea for the genre.
A great opening scene, but I agree that switching the POV would clear things up. Good luck with it.
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
"Blade Slinger" made me think of two movies; Sling Blade and Blade Runner. While I can appreciate the play on Gunslinger, that wasn't what would have hit me if you hadn't put in your explanation of the background.
I didn't like the second paragraph. I'd rather hear the town crier's actual speech than the summary, which was blad and rushed and looks as if you're just in too much of a hurry to get the set-up out of the way and tell the rest of the story.
The genre (or the mixture of genres) is not my style, so I'm not sure I can add anything further that would be helpful.
Posted by rghelms (Member # 2765) on :
Ok, I rewrote this quite a bit but I think it is too wordy. I know that it is over 13 line (Moderators pleasr forgive me and dont delete it!) Tell me what you think, and what I could to to make it better or if I should go back to the original opening.
Tom Jarvis was having his morning cup of coffee at a unique little shop that served that and little sweet breads and pastries. He had just finished solving a case involving a stolen jeweled bird and was wondering what his next case would end up being. He was just considering the possibility of taking a little break from work when he noticed a commotion out on the corner. The Town Crier was standing on his little platform at the corner of the two main roads in town just outside the coffee shop waiting for the people to gather round. Since he could see and hear everything from his window seat he sat and watched as wizards, elves, humans, dwarves and the occasional half-orc crowded around to hear the news of the morning. “MURDER IN THE NIGHT,” the man announced in a clear
Note from Kathleen: Sorry, rules are rules.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 14, 2006).]
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Better POV establishment in your first two lines, but the rest is still a mess.
Posted by mommiller (Member # 3285) on :
Yes, I agree.
I think you just need to really pare down the remainder of it and you'll be much happier with the impact. You do set the story well though, perhaps just a bit too much description.
Keep working on it though, you'll soon have it set.
Posted by Johnmac1953 (Member # 3118) on :
Big improvement, this will hook the reader! Best Wishes John Mc...
Posted by Popeyesays (Member # 3294) on :
"Sellsword" is a word associated with Renaissance Italy - a term for a mercenary soldier.
Posted by Salimasis (Member # 2490) on :
You have an interesting story line, as you've explained it. Since you are just beginning the story, my advice is not to worry too much about the opening lines. You'll re-write the entire manuscript at least once, anyway, so there's plenty of time to consider the advice you've gained here and use it. The important thing is, now that you've begun, keep going.
Posted by Choccido (Member # 3299) on :
The opening was okay, a little off-set by what you say was in it, but okay. (Still a little boring though.)
