ok, so i would really like some feedback. not just on these first few lines but on the entire story as well. Its not done yet, i have 7,900 words done, maybe close to halfway through the story. But yeah, here are the first 13 lines. if anyone would like to look at the rest, i would love that! any and all comments are welcome. thanks!
Right now, I’m lying on my back in a hospital bed. My nose and lower right eye socket are pretty much shattered to hell. I’m missing most my front teeth and my lips are so swollen that I can barely open my mouth. I have cuts and pressure busts all over my face and head. In all I have four broken ribs, three cracked ribs, two broken fingers on my right hand, and almost all my knuckles on both hands are broken. Internal bleeding? Check. The last week has not been good to me and they won’t let me smoke in this ****ing hospital. I don’t mean to complain though.
I should have seen it a long time ago. The look in his eyes, the grin on his face; it should have been obvious to me. Maybe none of this would have happened if only I would have seen it
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 20, 2006).]
Posted by ethersong (Member # 3216) on :
First impression I get is that you need to switch the two paragraphs. And perhaps give us a hint of why he's like this a bit earlier. At first I thought he was in a car accident. Then the next part seems to say fight. But that bad?
You're tone makes him sound like a punk. But I suppose you want that. And I think you're taking too long to get to the point with all the specifics here.
Posted by Minister (Member # 2213) on :
When you start a flashback this early in the story, it's usually a sign that the story starts in the wrong place. I know it's a popular convention these days, the in media res thing, but often it's just used as an easy way to get a hook. I think you'll find that it's not so popular here, and with good reason, in my opinion. I'd suggest backing up to the start of the story and beginning there -- not just telling us about a look, either -- showing us. Show us the scene where all this started.
For what it's worth, I assumed the injuries came from a fight as soon as you got to the busted up hands. It's just that a grocery list of injuries often isn't as interesting a way to start as watching the guy about to get those injuries.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Ditto on immediate flashback.
You might reduce the list of injuries, although it's effective.
I don't like paragraph 2. Who's "he"? Give us a name, as soon as you mention him.
MC doesn't seem too upset about being knocked into the middle of next week, as we used to say in grade school. What's he feeling? (Or is it a she?)
Posted by Choccido (Member # 3299) on :
You seem like he's (I'm assuming it's a guy) a gangster. The list doesn't seem very important to me. He seems very casual (like it happens all the time) about his injuries. I'm not really interested in what got broken, so specific, like the pinky toe on the left foot, and the third tooth from the front on top... I'm not interested in that, I'm interested in what happened to get him there. This story needs a little more work to make it sound more professional.
Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :
This sounds very "reportorial" to me. Why not tell us what all these injuries are doing to him and how they make him feel? I think those first 7 lines can be made much more powerful.
"I should have seen it a long time ago. The look in his eyes, the grin on his face, it should have been obvious to me. Maybe none of this would have happened if only I would have seen it."
This seems a little weak. You DID see it (The look in his eyes, the grin on his face...) The problem is you did not act on it, not that you did not see it:
"Maybe none of this would have happened if I had avoided him."
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I think that you're starting the story in the right place...but you're not doing a good enough job of starting it. You have to make us understand what these injuries mean, and you don't even come close.
The first person present tense isn't helping you any, by the way.
Posted by Hot Chocolate (Member # 3301) on :
I agree with wbriggs here. We need a name, as soon as possible. Find some way to fit it in. Maybe he looks over and sees his name written on a form. He's in a hospital, it's probable. That way we get the character's name right away, and it doesn't interrupt the flow of the story.