This is part of the prologue to an urban fantasy/horror novel that's been marinating in my mind for the last ten years or so.Working title:"The Snow White Succubus"("God's Game":book1)Does it capture your interest? Chapter scenes(a couple hundred words max.)and more prologue,are available on request. [quote] "God does not play dice"[Albert Einstein] [quote] ..."But he sure plays a mean game of chess"![Steve Simon]
"A piece moved"! "Show me,Father"... "See,Sister"."I'm old,not senile". "A pawn...that's all"? "He,was once a pawn too you know",he said,gesturing to a crucifix on a nearby wall. "The board is your responsibility,father"."What do you see"? "The pawn...it's grown","It's larger than the other pawns". "You're right"."I didn't notice". "The siver is cleaner too,not as corrupted... and she's moving,here.Soon." "She"? "How does it, become she"?,she asked, pointing to the pawn.
[This message has been edited by SimonSays (edited March 21, 2006).]
Posted by Ico (Member # 3303) on :
I'm having a lot of trouble following the dialogue, maybe due to formatting issues. Start a new paragraph with every change in the speaker; you should never have quotes on the same line like this: "See,Sister"."I'm old,not senile".
Who is talking? Did the speaker change, or is it only an error and the speaker simply began a new sentence? Also, punctuation goes inside quotation marks, rather than outside. You can edit your post to deal with the format of this dialogue, and that will make it more comprehensible.
Posted by Archon (Member # 3273) on :
Well, it did catch my interest, and although I understand what's going on on the most part, a bit of padding around the dialogue would help the flow a bit and give a stronger feel of the characters and of the strange chess board.
You need to go through what you have and fix the punctuation, like what Ico said. It looks to me that you left spaces open to put in something like 'said Daniel,' but you didn't, like with: "See,Sister"."I'm old,not senile".
Cheers, Cassie
Posted by krazykiter (Member # 3108) on :
Waaay too much dialogue without some narration. Other than the fact that a chess board and pieces are being discussed, I haven't a clue what's going on. Tag the dialogue with some names at the very least so we get some idea of who's who and exactly how many people are here.
Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :
It seems to me you've posted this before and haven't made any of the suggested changes. As a result, you are getting the same kind of feedback.
Posted by SimonSays (Member # 3307) on :
Hi Kings_Falcon, This (is) the original post. I assume the moderator moved it. I posted an edit with a new topic heading; "Snow White Succubus" ("God's Game" book:1)] approx. 3 hours after that post. My first edit was grammar/punctuation based... I wanted to see if that cleared up who's saying what to whom first.I also deleted a line,and created a compound sentence with another. You posted a reply to that edit,so I don't see how you can claim I made no changes. I am, however, playing around with a scene/dialog version of the prologue. I also completed a (full) response to (all) the critiquers, but lost it after I switched to work offline...I clicked 'post reply',and a cannot connect screen popped up. There was no way back to my text. That was very depressing.(It took all day to write/type) Luckily, I write notes on paper before I type...So all was not lost. I do appreciate the time you and the others took to read and reply to my prologue,and will compose and type out that reply again soon. Steve
Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :
Well that makes sense. I'll look forward to reading the re-write.
