Just really want to see what you think. Do you want to hear more?
Alicia sat quietly in the kitchen of the funeral home. She had asked the social worker to bring her. In just the few months she had spent with Aunt Bess she had begun to see the world differently. As she sat thinking about those past months her day dreaming was awakened by a gruff voice. “So, you were the last one.” he said as he made a cup of coffee. “Yeah.” said Alicia. “So, I’m Danny, what’s your name?” “Alicia.”, she whispered. Danny was a short man with grease stained hands. He had one brown eye and the other cloudy blue. He put nine packs of sugar into his coffee and stirred it slowly.
[This message has been edited by keeperathome6 (edited March 22, 2006).]
Posted by sholar (Member # 3280) on :
To be honest, I am not hooked. I would like to see more about the plot or the characters. My initial thought was ok, so now I know their names. I know there was hints of something more going on, but I don't get pulled in.
Posted by Rahl22 (Member # 1411) on :
I was almost there. Actually, you've got a situation that made me want to know more, but some of the language was a little repelling. For example: "As she sat thinking about those past months..." Boring. Also, "...Aunt Bess she had begun to see the world differently." That's kind of dull, too. Give me some specifics, something to sink into, and I'll really be hooked. But the "You were the last one" line was intriguing, and so was the interesting quirk of the sugar packets for Danny. I'm not the type that needs an explosion within the first two paragraphs. I think if you made the prose itself sparkle, this probably would be enough for me to continue on for a little while -- but you had better not just drag me through some navel-gazing.. I mean, there really had better be some true conflict after this, not just a thinly veiled reflection of her time with Aunt Bess.
Hope that made sense.
Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
So, starting two sentences so close together with "so" comes across as repetitive. If you are painting a character's personal quirkiness with his choice of language, it might work. If it's unintentional, I would suggest you delete both of them. The word "so" at the start of a sentence is nothing more than filler... it is annoying, just like "you know" is when liberally sprinkled into verbal conversation.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
The last one of what?
Posted by Ico (Member # 3303) on :
"In just the few months she had spent with Aunt Bess she had begun to see the world differently."
This sentence doesn't tell me enough about Aunt Bess or what the change was in Alicia's view of the world. You might throw in some detail instead of this generalization.
I'm not hooked yet, but I'd probably read at least a little further for more info.
Posted by keeperathome6 (Member # 3314) on :
Thanks! This is fun! You are all right.I understand and have some ideas for how to make this work better. This is the first time I have posted here. Do you all generally post changes you make and then receive feedback on them as well?
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Yes.
You have some slack characterization with Alicia, she doesn't seem very consistent or plausible, probably because of a lack of needed POV information. This is most severe in her initial reaction to Danny.
A small nit, "her day dreaming was awakened" means that it was her day dreams that were awakened, which I think is the opposite of what you mean to say (though I can't be sure, she seems to have paid very close attention to his eyes, after all).