Alright, I've finished the initial draft of my novel. Initially, I'd just like help with the first 13 lines. If you are interested in reading the bear and editting it, please don't hesitate to let me know, but as this is my first attempt I'd still prefer just general advice. You can undoubtedly get a good feel for my writing from this anyway. So here goes, please (hopefully) enjoy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------- (Poem/prophecy, as stated below, was here, about about a foretold savior and the wrath of something/one called "Na'aka" being poured out.)
Eric jumped with a start as the bell rang. He had been dozing as the teacher droned. His classmates were filtering out of the room, going to their lockers to go home for the day.He joined them and went to his locker.
When he opened it, out fell a cascade of papers and books. It was January, the start of his last semester of high school. All the preparations for graduation, from completing tests to academic evaluations and counseling were taking place. From standardized tests to college admissions calls and scholarships, Eric scarcely had time for much else.
He got his coat from his locker, and frowned at the pile of papers at his feet. Every time he opened his locker they fell out, and in his haste he never bothered to stay and clean them up.
Thanks in advance for taking the time to read over it and give your comments!
(Editted to remove poem and give first 13 lines of the story itself. Thanks again for your comments, and for the suggestion to give you the writing itself. I was unsure.)
[This message has been edited by figgers3036 (edited April 05, 2006).]
Posted by Ray (Member # 2415) on :
Kind of hard to tell from here if I'd read more or not. The poem's not bad, but I'd rather read the section with Eric before I make a decision whether it'd be worth the effort to go on.
Posted by Grijalva (Member # 3295) on :
I felt the same, you cant get much from the poem, it isnt bad though, just seems done before; an unlikely hero saves the world, which in most cases is the core of all fantasy book. I felt the poem could be better and not prophecise (if thats how you spell it) the same prohecy that has been told over and over. It's not the idea thats bad, but how you tell the story, and how you tell it in a new way.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
The scripture/prophecy is nice, but some of those names really made me wary.
Interesting shift to a prosaic and apparently contemporary scene, which gives me confidence that it won't be Eye of Argon or anything like that. Some will nit you for starting with the POV character waking up...I say you're safe by virtue of opening with the Divinator's verse first.
Overall it's not bad at all. So far
Posted by figgers3036 (Member # 3138) on :
Thanks to you all again for your time and help. Honestly, even though there wasn't all that much said, it truly was helpful. At first I wasn't familiar with Eye of Argon, but I'm thankful for the compliment that so far my story is not of the same esteemed caliber.
Posted by Wusong101 (Member # 3320) on :
I think I'd get a much better feel for your work with the first thirteen after the poem. That is where the story actually begins. At this point though I would continue reading. I'd be happy to help edit, but not more than a chapter at a time. Let me know if that works for you, and what exactly you want me to look for in the editing process.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Whenever there's a poem in a story, unless it's only about 3 lines, I skip it.
Posted by sholar (Member # 3280) on :
If you wanted us to get a better feel for your actual writing style, maybe you could post the first thirteen after the poem and just tell us prior to this was a poem/prophecy about ...(however you want to summarize it). I usually just skim poems.
Posted by phoenix24 (Member # 3339) on :
I agree. However helpful the poem/prophecy is to a story, if i'm in the store reading the first page, i'll skip over the prophecy and start at the "beginning". I do like the poem, however, and I am curious to see where it all goes. good job!
Posted by figgers3036 (Member # 3138) on :
As per requested, I editted my first post to include the first 13 lines of the story itself, sans poem. Thanks for the advice.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
You've got some minor wording and syntax issues. I'd point them out in a full crit, but for now I'll pass over them with a lump comment. They're there, but they aren't crippling.
If you're pitching for readers, asking for a review of a first chapter of specified length will work better than asking if anyone wants to edit "the bear". I mean, that's a scary image, none of us wants to try editing a bear if we can avoid it
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
So this is a YA novel, I take it.
I'm not riveted, but I'd keep reading. (You don't have to rivet me: it's a novel. You need to give me the life interrupted before I get to see the goblins or demons or whatever it is.) Overall, I'd say this sounds pretty professional.
It will likely be cool if Eric has some interaction soon, but I see why he isn't in the middle of a conversation now: you're emphasizing that his life is hectic and he doesn't have time for his friends.
BTW, the college application process has gotten earlier. I suppose you could get your apps in in January, but it's unusual. Late Fall is more conventional now.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited April 05, 2006).]
Posted by Wusong101 (Member # 3320) on :
The last line caught my attention. He never picks them up. Then how can they keep falling out of his locker? Is there enough clutter in his locker that new papers are constantly falling out? Or does he really pick up the papers and shove them into the locker just for them to fall out again?
Posted by Susannaj4 (Member # 3189) on :
When he opened it, papers and books cascaded to the floor at his feet. _________________
I didn't get the poem, it had been edited before I read, so I didn't see how it fit.
The remaining passage did give me a feeling of what was going on, so it isn't boring. I would take it also as YA.
Posted by figgers3036 (Member # 3138) on :
Chapter 1 is 1844 words. Personally, I feel it's the roughest chapter of the novel, so I'd love to see what others have to say. However, I'm not really sure how exactly 'sharing' this would work. Again, the comments so far have been very helpful. Thank you all.
Posted by figgers3036 (Member # 3138) on :
Sorry about the double post and long wait.
Anyway, I've finished doing (yet another) revision, and I'm looking for people to help me out by reading parts of it, if anybody's interested. The length stayed pretty much the same, and I'm aiming for a more YA audience, but some of the elements within the story are rather complex, so I'm afraid that it would not be acceptable (by anyone).
Anyway, thanks again in advance for your help.
Posted by Novice (Member # 3379) on :
I like this. All of my comments will fall into the nit range. You've got a good place to work from, and, though the poem was gone before I saw your post, I'm interested anyway. The juxtaposition of some archaic "prophesy" against such a contemporary setting is nice.
"...jumped with a start..." is redundant.
"...going to their lockers to go home..." you might consider rephrasing this to eliminate one of the "going" verbs. It's a bit redundant, also, to say his classmates were "going to their lockers", and then add, "He joined them and went to his locker."
You need another comma, to frame the clause, between "counseling" and "were taking place."
The first clause in the last sentence (second paragraph) is composed entirely of more repetitions. You could cut that sentence all the way down to, "Eric scarcely had time for much else."
I, also, was thrown by the pile of papers at his feet. I don't think any custodial staff would allow such a pile of debris to accumulate any longer than a few hours.
Posted by Sara Genge (Member # 3468) on :
I didn't get to read the poem so I didn't get the contrast The fist 13 are not brilliant but correct. Probably would have been better if I had read the poem, the contrast was cool, as far as I can tell from everyone else I will read if you want. I'm loaded with work and I won't be completely free for another two weeks, if you're willing to wait, send it in.
Posted by figgers3036 (Member # 3138) on :
Thanks again, Sara, for your help. You've given me a lot to think about, and helped point me in the direction of what to improve.
