Delta always remembered what it was like to walk upon two feet, even when she felt the least human. Yet, she always felt the call of the water in her human form. She could deny neither part of herself, fish or woman. Neither could she be entirely one or the other.
It felt to Delta that this was as it had always been, but there had been a time when she was woman only. Her memories told her of growing up a girl-child, playing in the tall grasses and trees and chasing other children down a cobbled lane to a house- her home-; of being swung in circles by a large bluff man she knew to be her father, the River King.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I want to compliment you on your clarity. I know exactly what's happening.
What's going on with Delta seems rather abstract -- she's just reflecting on things, without any real concrn. What's the struggle in the story going to be about? If you tell us in the first few lines, we'll have a reason to keep reading, and see how it turns out.
Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :
I have to disagree with wbriggs in part -- I do not believe that you need to give us THE conflict in the first few lines, just A confrlict. That, you have done beautifully. This is a person struggling with two halves of herself, and that is intriguing enough for me to go on and find out more. In fact, in the end that may be the biggest conflict and the key to the resolution, although I would still expect more meat to the story.
Either way, I had no problem with this opening at all. I'll give you a blanket thumbs up.
Posted by Hygge (Member # 3313) on :
Only a small observation, using the words "felt" and "neither" twice in back-to-back sentences. It stopped the flow a little bit for me, but nothing serious. It did make sense and tweaked interest in reading more.
[This message has been edited by Hygge (edited April 05, 2006).]
Posted by pjp (Member # 3211) on :
I agree with wbriggs in that the story seems a little abstract so far (I disagree with him about the "concern.") Rather than hearing from Delta, I'm being told about Delta. While I'm interested, it's preventing me from really being drawn into the story. The information seems personal, and that makes me feel like I should be dealing with Delta, not an interloper (narrator). If you're going to change POV shortly (after the 13 lines allowed here), then that's probably fine.
I agree with Christine about the conflict.
I agree with Hygge as well, and will add the following... I don't know if there are exceptions, but I've always been taught: neither nor, either or.
quote:She could deny neither part of herself, fish nor woman. Neither could she be entirely one nor the other.
Posted by phoenix24 (Member # 3339) on :
I really like this...if i had picked it up in a bookstore i would definetly want to keep on reading. congrats! Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :
pjp...you are absolutely right about the neither nor and after you mentioned it, I realized that was why I had to read that sentence twice. Just a minor nit though. Posted by sholar (Member # 3280) on :
I would keep reading. I agree with christine about the conflict between her two halves being enough of a hook.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I had to read the first two lines three times to figure out what you were saying. The meaning is definite, but I wouldn't call it clear. The way I see it, your sin here is "always". You start us outside of any reference frame with regard to time or place, and you keep us there. It looks suspiciously like you're going to tell us the entire story of her childhood without letting us have any hint of how long ago that was other than "always" ago.
I like tension rather than conflict. Tension is created by a situation, where there is a present and several possible futures. You've started with a condition, one that is apparently timeless. No indication of potentiality.
I wouldn't keep reading. You hurtied my brain. I go lie down now.
Posted by Po (Member # 3336) on :
I would like to thank you all for your comments. I'm glad for those who noticed the grammar issues. I am a stickler, but I find it hard to see these things in my own writing at times.
I would especially like to say THANK YOU!!! to Survivor for putting into words something I was having a hard time defining! I have had an issue with the intro since I wrote it about two years ago, but I couldn't put my finger on just what was wrong.
Please, some feedback on a possible rewrite of:
Even when she felt the least human, Delta remembered what it was like to walk upon two feet. Yet, the water called to her when she took her human form. She couldn't deny either part of herself, fish or woman. Nor could she be entirely one or the other.
Posted by sholar (Member # 3280) on :
The rewrite flows much better I think.
Posted by Hygge (Member # 3313) on :
Yes! Much better.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Hmmm...still doesn't start with a definite situation. I didn't just mean the particular word "always", but the form of the condition described. Still, taking it out does leave more of a sense that you'll get around to showing us a situation (as opposed to a memory) soon. But by soon I mean...well, soon Posted by Susannaj4 (Member # 3189) on :
I agree. I like what you have created, but get to it next.
