Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Untitled (so far) fantasy novel

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Posted by phoenix24 (Member # 3339) on :

This is the start of the first chapter. Book isn't finished yet, but I'm eager to get feedback/critique on what i have so far.

“She’ll be fine.”
“But-“
“She’s your daughter, after all. Don’t worry so much.”
‘Nisha sighed. Easier said than done, she thought as she leaned against the wall of one of the many sun-blasted buildings in the square.
“Here. Chew on this. You’re going to make her nervous if you keep biting your lip like that,” said her husband, dropping a ripe, red apple into her hand. Rolling her eyes, she bit into the sweet fruit.
“You’re telling me you’re not nervous?”
Teab laughed. “Of course I am. I know as well as you what could happen. But our little ‘Mira knows what to do.”

Posted by Vatyma (Member # 2749) on :

I like the tone, but there were a few things that puzzled me.

1)Why is Nisha supposed to be less worried because it's only 'her daughter, after all'?

2) I didn't know that worried ppl laughed and rolled their eyes so nonchalantly.

How much have you written so far? I might give it a look if it's not too much.

Posted by pjp (Member # 3211) on :

From the last paragraph of Uncle Orson's Writing Class Lesson #20

quote:
if there is vital information that is necessary for us to care about the story or understand ANYTHING AT ALL about it, best to put that right up front. I mean in the first paragraph, which is, as I've said elsewhere, "free."
[...]
If the main character is blind, then TELL US he's blind, since it is information known all along to everyone in the scene, and we feel like fools finding out later. (It's not a clever trick -- since the audience knows only what we tell them, to withhold vital information isn't clever, it's either lazy or mean.)

What you've got could be a good start, but I found it distracting to not know who was talking.

Posted by phoenix24 (Member # 3339) on :

Vatyma--i've only written a "prologue" (not sure if i'll keep it at that or not) a first chapter and part of a second. its still a first draft, but like i said, eager for input. if you would like i can send what i have to you.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

What pjp said.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Three lines of untagged dialog, I'm expecting a dialog vignette, where the identities of the speakers are entirely unimportant. Then you break in with a 'Name, and not only do I mistake it for a (slightly mispunctuated) line of dialog at first, but the dialog vignette is shattered.

Vignette. Look it up. Understand how it is used. Don't use it as a shovel.

Posted by figgers3036 (Member # 3138) on :

The dialogue is good, but like those before me, I got confused by trying to figure out whose speaking. Maybe you should at first say whose speaking, after the first dialogue.

I personally thought that it might be banter between the husband and wife. But I don't know the characters well enough to know that. Perhaps this might belong later, after we understand the depth of relationship between these two characters? or perhaps give some of what they're doing so that we could guess it's banter, and not just very strange dialogue.

Of course, forgive me if I completely missed the point of the post.

Posted by Vatyma (Member # 2749) on :

Send it to me phoenix, my e-mail's on my profile.