Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Agony

This is topic Agony in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=001909

Posted by Wusong101 (Member # 3320) on :

This is a few fragments of an important part of the novel length work I am currently working on. I want to know, based on these fragments, what you can tell about the characters and their relationship. I'd appreciate any feedback, it may seem minor with everything else that would be going on in the story but it is important to me.

Aspen turned to his left and noted the concern on Balen’s face. Looking to his right he was amazed at just how much Dauntar’s smirk didn’t surprise him. Noticing Aspen’s uncertainty Dauntar’s eyes briefly flooded with empathy—briefly.

Dauntar always seemed to share his thoughts and as if reading his mind said, “I’ll rally the soldiers that we have here in the city. We need to send a message to Turgoet, he still has contacts in the capital.”

...turning to Aspen he (Dauntar) added, “with your leave of course, My Lord.” Aspen rolled his eyes in mock frustration at the appellation.

Posted by Homeworld (Member # 3136) on :

Hi, Wusong101 -

I'll try to answer the specific question you've asked. To be honest, I was very distracted by trying to visualize how these characters are arranged and through whose eyes we were seeing from one sentence to the next. I was too confused to think about who's who at this point. You've got me too busy trying to figure out who's where!

Let's see... Aspen is in the middle, Balen is to his left, Dauntar is on Aspen's right... Is this correct? Does it matter? (If not, then why reference their location relative to each other at all?)

We're in Aspen's point-of-view at first... then, mid-paragraph, we seem to shift to Dauntar's POV. Next paragraph, back to Aspen's (I think) -- but then Dauntar speaks...

...and after speaking, he turns to Aspen-- Wait a minute. He turns to Aspen? Wasn't he (Dauntar, right?) looking at Aspen a moment earlier when he noticed his (Aspen's, right?) uncertainty?

Also, can one really be "amazed" at how much something doesn't surprise one? That seems oxymoronic to me.

Isn't this sentence redundant? "Dauntar always seemed to share his thoughts and as if reading his mind said..."

Jumping back a moment, could one's eyes really flood with empathy "briefly" (must have been a flash flood) if he's always sharing another's thoughts? The definition of empathize is "to understand and share the feelings of another," so in effect, you tell me three times that there's an empathetic connection between the two... and yet the empathy was brief.

I get the impression from the fact that you parenthesized one character's name that you're somewhat aware of how confusing this all might be. For me, however, who you're referring to is clarified at the one point where I actually don't need clarification, and at which I've lost interest anyway.

Okay, unsolicited input aside, what I can tell about these three from this fragment is very little. To me, Balen = CONCERNED GUY ON LEFT, Dauntar = COCKY BRUTE WHO DEFERS PERFUNCTORILY BUT REALLY THINKS HE SHOULD BE RUNNING THE SHOW HIMSELF, and Aspen = I'M REALLY NOT SURE. (Does it mean anything that he (Aspen) is in the middle? Is that a metaphor for his (Apsen's) attitude/character/thoughts/anything?)

Make of this feedback what you will. I understand that this is not the first thirteen lines, so maybe by the time a reader gets to this point, all will be clear. For me, however, it is the first thirteen lines, and I'm feeling way too lost to try to find the fourteenth.

KMB

[This message has been edited by Homeworld (edited April 08, 2006).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I got lost in names. I might not in the real book, because I'd already know them. But it's hard to tell this way. I don't know who these people are or what they're doing. I do gather they're peers, more or less.

Posted by Wusong101 (Member # 3320) on :

that's why I just want opinions of the relationships. At this point you, as a reader would know exactly who everyone is. The POV is a restricted third, following Aspen. And the placement is only of minor importance, Dauntar would be the "right hand man." I know I haven't given you much, do I have to keep these fragments to a total of under 13 lines?

Posted by sholar (Member # 3280) on :

maybe you could give a brief description of the characters to help cement them in our minds.

Posted by krazykiter (Member # 3108) on :

Like Will, I got lost in all the names being bandied about. I never did figure out exactly who the POV character was.

In general, it sounds like either a war council or some sort of skulduggery. I can't tell if these guys fear being overthrown or they're trying to overthrow someone else. Aspen seems to be the somewhat weak leader, and Dauntar the obligatory putz who, though a bit full of himself, is too skilled at something - it's too early to tell if it is combat or politics - to be given the old heave-ho. Balen is a cipher. I'll hazard a guess he's the trusted advisor, but I wouldn't put money on it. Right now he just sits there being worried about something.

Posted by Ray (Member # 2415) on :

Maybe you should consider giving us the first thirteen lines and ask if anyone can read the whole thing (like the chapter these fragments are in). The problem with answering your question is that I'm not connected with any of these characters, so I don't know what their relationship is like. I'm having a problem trying to figure out what's going on.

[This message has been edited by Ray (edited April 08, 2006).]

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

This definitely falls into the catagory of something that would be better asked of people who had read enough of the work in question to have a context for the scene.

The minor POV "shakes" have been noted. You seem to have put them in to smooth out Dauntar's otherwise incomprehensible actions, but they don't help. The flow is also a bit choppy, even though these actions should make sense in rapid sequences, they don't. Don't be afraid to use conjunctions as appropriate.