Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Waking (SF, short-ish story, ~11K words)

This is topic The Waking (SF, short-ish story, ~11K words) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Homeworld (Member # 3136) on :

I've been trying to do a short story for a very long time, but always felt like I was forcing myself. Every time, I ended up with a sixty- to ninety-thousand word novel-length manuscript instead of a "short" story. This attempt was exactly the opposite. I had an idea that I loved, but was struggling to find the full-length novel behind it. So, I reenvisioned it as a short story, and it seemed to find legs.

It'll probably run over 10,000 words, but I hope to wrap it up before it hits 12,000. As of this posting, it's all drafted but only half-written.

Thanks in advance for any feedback.
=============================

"...not supposed to dream in suspension..."

Commander Alan Morechester was certain of that. The med techs had been clear about what to expect from suspensleep, and dreaming was not a part of it. The beating red lights and wailing siren that now suffused the officers' sleep bay aboard the UNESS Ellipse weren't supposed to be part of suspensleep, either.

I'm not dreaming, he realized. I'm waking.

There was a pneumatic thwip as his sleep dish's translucent canopy unsealed in rapid, emergency release mode. The canopy retracted into a pocket in the low ceiling faster than his dulled senses could follow.

"Commander Morechester, I need your help!" shouted a woman nearby.

[This message has been edited by Homeworld (edited April 08, 2006).]

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

This is an interesting opening. It isn't the standard "character wakes up" bit that some people hate, but it gives us a good opportunity to enter the scene with that same degree of POV sympathy.

One thing I'll suggest, you could try showing us the sensations or whatever that Morechester mistook for a dream as a beginning. But I won't insist on it, what you have here works as one of those weirdly self-referential thoughts that sometimes accompany waking up.

Overall, the scene is very engaging. I feel like I'm instantly immersed in the character and his concerns. I know what he knows, and want to know things that he also wants to know.

Posted by AndrewStein (Member # 3310) on :

This is good. like survivor said, it's an engaging opening. I don't, however, like the term "suspensleep". It just doesn't flow of your mouth the way abreviations or slangs should.

Posted by Leigh (Member # 2901) on :

I loved it. Made me feel like I was Morechester. Nice name as well.

One thing though: "suspensleep"? It's ok as long as it's a common term in your universe, but one time only, that's a no no.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I like it. I definitely like having him wake up to alarms going off.

Nit: I thought the woman screaming at this just-waking-from-suspensleep man was melodramatic. She can be tense and desperate and still not stupid -- I think it would be stupid to yell at someone in this state. Any medical personnel would certainly throw her out if she does (if there are medical personnel).

Posted by Homeworld (Member # 3136) on :

Thanks very much for the feedback -- there are some helpful points in here that I can work with.

Somewhat off-topic, for Leigh: "Morechester" is actually taken from rearranging a local intersection: Moorpark Avenue and Winchester Boulevard. The same afternoon I came up with this, I realized that the frontage road on the opposite side of the freeway from Moorpark is Parkmoor. Kinda clever, transposing syllables like that... but why not just be really clever and spell Moorpark backwards?

Oh... because that doesn't sound so nice.

KMB

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Yeah, like a sleazy communist gambling hall, someplace where they have goons checking your papers to make sure your authorized for this illicit activity. I don't know about nice, but it certainly sounds...strange.

Posted by krazykiter (Member # 3108) on :

Nice bit. I agree it seems to have found its legs so far.

Minor Nit: The "UNESS" - no doubt part of the ship designation - is a bit cumbersome. I'd suggest keeping it to two or three letters maximum.

Posted by pjp (Member # 3211) on :

I was a little put off by the "suspensleep waking." It reminded me too much of 2001/2010 (I forget which) and some others that have done it (Alien?). Doing it is fine, but opening with it turned me off.

Posted by Homeworld (Member # 3136) on :

Good points, as usual. This is actually what I submitted for OSC's Boot Camp this summer. The story could be a long-range prequel to the trilogy that I've also posted here and there in this forum... but I very much see this one as a short story.

I'm not totally comfortable w/ "UNESS" either. May truncate it, as krazykiter suggested. It's not like each letter makes it 20% better anyway.

Thanks again.