The manuscript is "finished" (for this week). My sincere thanks to all who offered feedback on an earlier post of Homeward's first thirteen lines. I haven't been back since then because I found that much of that feedback resonated throughout the manuscript and throughout its two prequels as well... which found me going through about a quarter of a million words.

Once again, thanks in advance for any feedback.

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Time was critical. Davis Alexander flew the craft to the limit of its capabilities, and to the limit of his own. He repeatedly glanced aside at his younger sister, Teil, unconscious in the passenger seat beside him. She'd been missing for days before he found her. She was critically dehydrated, but it wasn't dehydration that threatened to kill her.

He tapped a call code into his linker. "I've got her, Seline," he said quickly. "She's alive, but I don't know how long she was off her meds."

"Where was she?"

"Out at the old retreat. We're almost to Kenmai now."

"I'll be there as soon as I can."

He closed the link as the main tower of the Kenmai Military Hospital

 

Time was critical. Davis Alexander flew the craft to the limit of its capabilities, and to the limit of his own. He repeatedly glanced aside at his younger sister, Teil, unconscious in the passenger seat beside him. She'd been missing for days before he found her. She was critically dehydrated, but it wasn't dehydration that threatened to kill her[: IT WAS THE LACK OF INSULIN]. [<-- THAT IS, DON'T MAKE ME PUT UP A "?" MARKER; TELL ME NOW.]

He tapped a call code into his linker. "I've got her, Seline," he said quickly. [HE CALLS SELINE BY HER FIRST NAME. WHAT IS THEIR RELATIONSHIP?] "She's alive, but I don't know how long she was off her meds."

"Where was she?"

"Out at the old retreat.[" THE BAPTIST RETREAT, WHERE THEY'D ALL MET, BACK IN COLLEGE. "]We're almost to Kenmai now." [THE NEAREST HOSPITAL, AT A MILITARY BASE.] [THAT IS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE OLD RETREAT OR KENMAI IS. YOU COULD ALSO REPLACE "KENMAI" WITH "THE HOSPITAL" IF YOU DON'T WANT US TO WONDER WHAT KENMAI IS.]

"I'll be there as soon as I can." [NOT A HARD NEED, BUT I WOULD LIKE MORE OF HIS ATTITUDE. IS HE RELIEVED THAT SELINE IS COMING? ANNOYED? WHAT ABOUT SIS: HOW DID HE KNOW WHERE TO LOOK FOR HER? I'LL WANT TO KNOW SOON.]

He closed the link as the main tower of the Kenmai Military Hospital
 

A lot of nits...some issues that survive from previous reads, overall it feels a little more vague than would draw me in.

You can fly a vehicle to it's limits, or you can push your own limits as a pilot. Unless you're attempting something intrinsically foolish like flying through a hurricane or a forest, these tend not to go together. If he's flying through a violent storm, say so.

You still don't say what is threatening to kill Teil. Just say it, the tension is produced by wondering whether she'll live or die, not by wondering whether her life is really in all that much danger. If you're going to try and stretch out the reveal on her illness to the end of the story, I'm not reading anyway, and if you aren't doing that, then you gain nothing by not naming the condition up front.

There are other little bits of unclarity floating about, but I think most of them would fall into place if you could control your impulse to try and hide critical POV information.