Just trying to get a feel for if you'd keep reading. This is only about two thousand words at the moment but When Anything I write actually remains short it will be a miracle indeed.
Danoe stood beside his father's deathbed. How dare his father put himself in harm’s way? If Kaolen had died Jorlen would not have to leave his home. Jorlen was not a half-breed. Kauloff was bigger, faster and stronger than the other men of the tribe. None here dared to call Danoe a half-breed and snicker behind his back. Kauloff had kept them too afraid to show anything but respect to his eight year old son.
Now that immense bulk of security was gone. His life stripped away by injuries received rescuing his brother from a walbear. When the men returned Kauloff to his home a three inch claw was embedded in his shoulder. His gut had been opened and viscera spilled from its cavity every time the wrap was changed. Numerous other small wounds to his arms and legs seeped blood
[This message has been edited by spcpthook (edited April 08, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 09, 2006).]
Posted by sholar (Member # 3280) on :
I am having clarity issues, esp with the first paragraph. Who is Kaolen (typo for Kauloff or someone else)? Also, I think Jorlen is Danoe's brother, but I am not sure. So, clarifying a little who these people are and how they are related to everyone else and the story would be my focus.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Ditto.
Posted by Gingivere (Member # 1936) on :
That's my trouble as well. I want to get into the story, but my attention is spent trying to figure out who is who and how they relate to one another.
Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :
Not sure you need another person to respond "it's confusing" but hey, that's what we're here for right?
After the third read I figured out that the father is Kauloff (I think).
If you start out with that first line it is a great opportunity to introduce the MCs feelings, but instead you rush into the backstory. As it reads now there is too much unrelated information thrown at the reader.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Yup, big clarity problem.
Relax, take your time, don't try and introduce four different characters with various relationships. I can tease out that Kauloff is probably Danoe's father and Kaolen is the brother of one of them, while Jorlen is a son of someone mentioned. I think that you want Kaolen to be Kauloff's brother and Jorlen to be Kaolen's son, but as it stands it could be that Danoe, Jorlen, and Kaolen could be brothers, with Kauloff as the father of at least two of them.
Concentrate on Danoe's relationship to his father. Leave Kaolen and Jorlen for later.
Posted by giggles (Member # 3279) on :
I agree with everyone else. Clarity is your biggest problem. I would eliminate Jorlen all together in the first paragraph, opening up the beginning for more emotion from Danoe. How does he feel about his father dying? Remember he's only eight. I think his actions would be more irrational, or compounded with fear, anxiety. Put yourself in the situation so we can better relate to it.
chrissie
Posted by krazykiter (Member # 3108) on :
Way too many people introduced in the first paragraph to keep straight. A lot of it sounds like backstory that could be parceled out later.
Posted by Woodie (Member # 3346) on :
On the bright side, after reading the first paragraph a couple of times I was interested. The relationships seem complex but intriquing. Slow it down. There are two big things here--the injury and dynamics of the tribe. I'd say, pick one and start with that.
Posted by spcpthook (Member # 3246) on :
Backing this up and starting in another place does this read any smoother.
The runner did not slow down until he arrived at the shaman’s home. Moments after the man entered the holy lodge, Garlend appeared carrying his pack filled with herbal remedies and shaman’s rattles. He saddled and mounted one of the village’s horses faster than Danoe had ever watched it done before. The shaman disliked riding. For him to have left so rapidly, something bad had happened. Galloping hooves raced in silence through two inches of fresh fallen snow toward Hallen Canyon. The runner reappeared from within the lodge and a shiver of fear ran up Danoe’s spine as he recognized the man as one of his father’s hunting party. Icy fingers squeezed his chest and snowbirds dove in his stomach as the runner, still gasping for breath, turned a pitying stare on him
Posted by Woodie (Member # 3346) on :
I had to read this a couple of times before I got who was doing what. I did not pick up that Garlend was the shaman the first time, and not knowing who the runner is made it confusing for me. The thing I came away with from this start was why is Danoe at the shaman's house? Is he a servant there, or was he casually passing by? Danoe needs a reason for being there. I think it's a good scene to start with, though
