[This message has been edited by robinlindh (edited April 12, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 12, 2006).]
We are told that he is "in a fetal position on the metal stretcher." A large orderly is tired from holding Timothy. If he is in a fetal position, just how and why is the orderly holding him? Mention should be made of the past struggle between the two, we have seen no struggle - just an orderly and Timothy in a fetal position.
Also, an IQ below 20 would make him an idiot. How is it that, at that level of retardation, they would even test and know he is autistic as well? How would they know the behavior was not as a result of retardation? I'm not saying this is not possible, but just a question out of curiosity. Wouldn't you have to have a certain amount of intelligence to at least display symptons of another neurological disorder such as autism?
"His tissue, barely healed from the last encounter, ripped."
What tissue? Where? How was it ripped? Give us some details.
"His hand were pulled to his side and tied with a knot"
I can imagine hands tied in front or behind the person, but at his side? How were they tied? Tied to what?
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited April 11, 2006).]
“Timothy, confused and badly bruised, huddled in a fetal position on the metal stretcher.”
Number one, fetal is spelled foetal.
Secondly, I can’t quite imagine Timothy being able to do this because earlier you state that “his hands were pulled to his sides and tied with a knot”. In my mind’s eye I had the impression this meant his wrists were tied to the bed frame. How is he then able to curl up on his side in a foetal position? Perhaps this can be explained with the same questions in the critique above.
"His tissue, barely healed from the last encounter, ripped."
Again, as nitewriter asks, what tissue?
Quiz
[This message has been edited by Quizzical (edited April 11, 2006).]
Also, as nitewriter mentioned, an IQ below 20 is very very low. Average is 100, and while many people with autism have IQ's below 70, I think it is rare to have an IQ below 20 (I could be wrong though, it's been a long time since I last took an abnormal psych class). In any case, if Timothy does have an IQ that low, some of the things he does might be too sophisticated (e.g., "used his hands to push away, hoping the pain would stop" makes it sound like he is executing a plan. With an IQ of 20, I'd expect most of his actions to be more instinctive.)
No, that's not an insult or attack, it's a serious question that you need to consider when using an opening like this. What motive does the reader have to continue reading?
I'm guessing that you want the reader to feel shock and horror when reading this, right? Well, bad news on that front as well. I'm not feeling anything but severe lack of interest. And I'd guess that many people here felt the same. It's a normal mental defense mechanism, when you are presented with something horrible and can't do anything about it, you do the best you can to ignore the situation.
Of course, readers can get out the the situation...by not reading any further. So we're back to considering the first question, aren't we?
Why is Timothy in agony? Who put him in this room?
I'd also agree: if Timothy is to be a character, his IQ is way too low. (You could make him autistic without the IQ disaster, and he'd still be in deep trouble.)
As described above, some of your details clash with each other. Then there are facts that just don't fit. For example, WBriggs is right - low IQ and autism are unrelated. There are a lot of very intelligent autistics out there (Do read "The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Night Time")and their families would take serious exception you your equating autism to a profoundly low IQ.
We have Timothy, that as best as I can figure, his mother didn't want him. Is that true?
We have an orderly taking him from safety to a room that for Timothy signals something very awful. You mention tissues whish suggests to me that Timothy is being abused. That is almost showing instead of telling.
Maybe try to show us Timothy's problems instead of telling so much in the first thirteen lines.
quote:
fetal is spelled foetal
Yes and no.
In the UK, most oe and ae constructions are retained in spelling (foetus, mediaeval).
In the US, most oe and ae constructions are no longer retained (fetus, medieval).
I don't know about South Africa, Australia, or New Zealand.
I have decided I shall never again bother with correcting the spellings of others. Being an American who has spent a significant part of her childhood and teens in the UK, has meant my spelling has suffered, and it doesn’t help that I am also dyslexic.
I particularly remember one occasion when an ex-English teacher of mine gave me a patronising look and told me not to spell jail “J A I L”, but spell it the proper British way of “G A O L”. Sufficiently chastised I used that spelling ever after. Until a few weeks ago, when I was talking to another of my teachers and she announced that “G A O L” was old fashioned and insisted that I use the other way. The moral of the story is that I use neither of these; I use “P R I S O N”.
robinlindh – ignore my feeble attempt at correcting your spellings!
Quiz
quote:After each of these sentences, I keep asking myself, why is he being taken to this room, and by whom? Whomever they are, they know, and I feel like I should at this point too. If I'm not supposed to know for plot reasons, then I'd need the information presnted differently for me to buy into it.
Around three o’clock on Saturday morning [...] wheelchairs, metal canes, walkers, and gurneys.
quote:I could be mistaken, but I vaguely recall something about not speaking and not vocalizing being different issues.
Once in the room, Timothy, who had never spoken a word in his life, screamed out in agony.
quote:Something about this part of the sentence bugs me. I think because I don't know anything about the struggle, or what the conditions really were. Tell me more about it, and I don't think the "strong man" reference would be necessary.
Even a strong man would have succumbed under such conditions, Timothy
What I see in this story is pure shock and horror. There's no empathy with this character, we don't know what's special about him that we should like him and be rooting for him. Here's what I would like, personally: A view from inside his head. What's this all look like to him, how does it feel to be helpless and frightened and fighting against what you don't know. Either that, or take me inside the head of those who are trying to care for him, or at least keep him from hurting himself.
If you're going for a horror effect, a Kingdom Hospital atmosphere, don't start with Timothy. Start with the setting, with the atmosphere of the place, of the zombie-like workers, of the gloomy, blank-walled, maze-like interior, with the sheer creepiness of the place where Timothy is being kept, so that I can suspend disbelief when I see all the "it's just not done like that in real life" stuff, like placing a patient in a crowded room with stuff that doesn't pertain to his care, like gurneys, walkers, and wheelchairs, for example.
[edited to improve clarity. Note to self: Read post BEFORE submitting next time, not after.]
[This message has been edited by DeepDreamer (edited April 13, 2006).]
Now you pose an interesting thought. Maybe start with the big dude attacking Timothy. He comes to work, punches in, maybe has a buddy on the fourth floor and they talk about their victims jokingly, enough to tease the reader into reading more. Have the big dude do his job, what out for nurses, maybe come on to one. And then move in on Timothy. He can focus on a particular sound or voice and know what is coming. Then instill his fear into the reader. And you can be graphic without telling us what the intern is putting where.
Chrissie