Felia turned sixteen the day she rode to the summit of the mountain separating the territory of the Amazons from that of the Gargarensians. She and the fourteen women accompanying her had been preparing for the journey since midwinter, but many of them felt the strong fear upon them that spring day. Fewer than half their number had attended these rites before, and only the Priestess Dianysia could claim visiting the summit more than thrice.
The band of warrior women came in sight of the camp that would be their home for the next two months. Felia tightened her grip on the reins, seeing at last the cause of her fear: men.
“How can we be expected to mate with them? They’re so ugly!” Felia said.
[This message has been edited by Po (edited April 20, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Po (edited April 20, 2006).]
quote:'the' seems incorrect.
... but many of them felt the strong fear
'Thrice' seems out of place so far.
quote:I read this as "the last cause." It wasn't until I was going to make a comment that I noticed it was different. Perhaps a comma? "seeing at last, the cause of her fear" or "on the reins, at last, seeing the cause..." Anyway, it's a bit awkward to me.
... seeing at last the cause of her fear
[This message has been edited by pjp (edited April 20, 2006).]
I'm not sure I'd read on, because there are an awful lot of bad ways to treat the plot-line you're presenting, and very few good ones.
"Felia turned sixteen the day she rode to the summit of the mountain separating the territory of the Amazons from that of the Gargarensians."
Ok...not good not bad...
" She and the fourteen women accompanying her had been preparing for the journey since midwinter, but many of them felt the strong fear upon them that spring day."
I don't like being told that they're afraid. It doesn't mean anything to me right now.
" Fewer than half their number had attended these rites before, and only the Priestess Dianysia could claim visiting the summit more than thrice."
This sentence really confused me the first time I read but then I realized the last word was "thrice" not "twice." I think it's a weird word and I would suggest a different choice.
"The band of warrior women came in sight of the camp that would be their home for the next two months. Felia tightened her grip on the reins, seeing at last the cause of her fear: men."
You could start with this, or a modified version of this to make it more appropriate for a first sentence, and I don't think you would have missed anything at all.
“How can we be expected to mate with them? They’re so ugly!” Felia said.
The reason, IMJ, that people aren't finding anything interesting until the last line, is that you are telling us about events (like the fear), but you aren't telling us the significance (until the last line). Why are the women afraid? Why was the trek not a common thing? What was the point of the trip? Whenever you do this, we have to put up a stake next to that bit of the story, and come back later in our mind to answer the question ourselves. Don't make us. Tell us up front.
Felia, sixteen, had never seen a man before. She was afraid to, because ... .
And there they were. "How can we be expected to mate with them?" ...
About the plot line: I'm interested if it's done well, but for me, you're going to have to get past this: I don't think a girl raised among only women would be attracted to men. She's sixteen; she's sexual; she must have already projected that onto someone . . . on the other hand, maybe those qualities she finds attractive in women, she'll find even more attractive in men, once she knows them. *That* would be interesting -- not just, "And then Desiree fell in love," but for us to see *why* she fell in love, why it was inevitable that she would. I'd read that story for sure!
Also, as others have stated, the hook didn't come for me until that second paragraph. "Felia tightened her grip on the reins, seeing at last the cause of her fear: men."
Nits are welcome.
quote:
I have trouble visualizing anyone riding to the summit of a mountain.
There are mountains, and there are mountains. In the UK, we have the temerity to refer to things that are around 1000m tall as "mountains", which in relation to (say) the Rockies, or the Himalaya, is absurd.
Only when I started travelling did I realise how pathetic they truly are (I think there's only officially one mountain summit in the UK that can't actually be reached simply by walking). But they're the biggest we have, so we call them mountains.
One of the great values of the critiques in LH is that they can highlight different cultural perspectives, and issues that might arise in different markets.
Rose
[This message has been edited by Rose (edited April 25, 2006).]