Ravah sat in meditation mental preparing for the fights ahead, readying his seven hunting spells that would be of use in the circle of justice. He opened slit-pupil eyes and watched as other forestwalkers gathered around the circle of salt. Cubs climbed among the great ring of trees to get a better vantage for such a rare event. In the memory of his people no lowly Gather had ever challenge a member of the Ruler class who had not only the members of his own caste, stronger and better fed as they were, but could also choose among the Warriors as one of his three champions. One for poaching deer to feed his wife, so weak she could not bear cubs, another for using magic beyond his caste, and third for challenging Ho’Deki chief of this forest city.
[This message has been edited by wyrd1 (edited April 21, 2006).]
Other than that, do you own a word processor with a grammar checking feature?
quote:Not sure if I got all of them, but that gives you an idea. Also, the bold part needs to be rewritten in my opinion.
Ravah sat in meditation[,] mental[ly] preparing for the fights ahead, readying his seven hunting spells that would be of use in the circle of justice. He opened slit-pupil eyes and watched as other forestwalkers gathered around the circle of salt. Cubs climbed among the great ring of trees to get a better vantage for such a rare event. In the memory of his people[,] no lowly Gather[?] had ever challenge[d] a member of the Ruler class[,] who had not only the members of his own caste, stronger and better fed as they were, but could also choose among the Warriors as one of his three champions. One for poaching deer to feed his wife, so weak she could not bear cubs[;] another for using magic beyond his caste[;] and third for challenging Ho’Deki chief of this forest city.
As for the story in general, the 'cubs' references seems odd to me. I think of animals when I think of cubs, yet I've not been told anything about this race. Since I've not been told otherwise, I'd assume they were humanlike.
The general idea could be interesting, but is difficult for me to say at this point.
[This message has been edited by pjp (edited April 21, 2006).]
Ravah sat in meditation mentally preparing for the fights ahead, readying his seven hunting spells that would be of use in the circle of justice. He opened slit-pupil eyes and watched as the other forestwalkers gathered around the circle of salt; feline forms drifting around the clearing, tawny coats gleaming in the sun as they eagerly awaited the trial by combat. Fur-tipped ears picked up the whisperings of his insanity, never before had a lowly Gatherer challenged a member of the ruling class, and certainly none had challenged three times, meaning he would have to fight, and win, as many duels. Ho’Deki the chief to whom the dispute was issued, had not only the members of his own caste, stronger and better fed as they were, but could also choose among the Warriors as his champions.
And while your second version is clearer and some grammatical and spelling errors have been fixed, I think there are some things in the prose that can be fixed. For instance "slit-pupil" eyes doesn't work for me. It seems a bit...awkward, although I can't for the moment put my finger on why. You're describing that he has eyes with slit-like pupils. I understand that, but it feels like it could be more eloquently stated.
Also, I'm still not quite sure what is going on here. I get that there is a duel going on and that there are some spectators watching in interest and that this event is somewhat of a rarity, but why exactly is this duel taking place? And I'm not quite sure who exactly your character is dueling. One of the forestwalkers? Ho'Deki?
If you can clear this up some more, it could become an interesting beginning.
I just wanted to say that I think it's an intriguing opening. I think there is a hook in it and as a reader would want to continue the story.
My next suggestion is: Just tell me http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum1/HTML/002716.html . That is, tell me what's up before I have a chance to be confused. In your case, saying something like "Ravah, a low-rank warrior of the Forest Cat People ..." would clear it up.
I'll just add onto what everyone else is saying because I agree with their statements. My big problem and turnoff from this story is the incredible overuse of ambiguous and capitalized words. In this opening, you have three types of circles/rings, five capitalized words, and several animals. Nothing is horribly wrong with that, but those words and races are never given meaning. You could the circle of justice, the circle of death or circle of mystery, and I wouldn't care either way. If a forestwalker is an animal, say the creatures of the forest, unless forestwalker had a meaning, then give it right away.
This is a short story, so you can't be wasting words to make it feel more like that time at 3:00 in the morning when you faced the great champion in the Forest of Illusory Mystic Shadows and defeated him on some RPG.
. But honestly I see that I have been using vague references rather than just stating things clearly. I'll finish the work than revise and repost in a week or two. Thanks for the comments people, I appreciate it.