And, yes, the sudden shift to present tense is jarring.
Anyway, why would he be surprised by her saying her name is Antoinette if he doesn't know her (which it appears is the case)? They're used to big names in the South anyway. Ask Mary Robinette.
My mother named me Antoinette during her French phase so I’m stuck with a name that’s far too big for a skinny white girl from Freedom, Kentucky. Antoinette is a name that should belong to an olive skinned woman with more curves than the Kentucky back roads. Not someone who’s never been more than two hours outside of Freedom and who’s about as exotic as a worn pair of blue jeans. Outside of my long white blond hair I’m as plain as the day is long.
As a result, I’ve taken to going by Ann. Nobody expects much from someone called Ann. So when the man standing at my front door blinks in surprise after I say, “I’m Antoinette,” I’m used to it.
I give him a moment to compose himself then stand back from the
[This message has been edited by Rose (edited April 25, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 25, 2006).]
Nits:
quote:
My mother named me Antoinette during her French phase so I’m stuck with a name that’s far too big for a skinny white girl from Freedom, Kentucky.
I lean away from present tense, here, unless there's a good reason for it.
quote:What is the man doing there? We find out later, but I had to stop and reread to put the pieces togehter. If you tell us as soon as there's someone at the door, this will make it easier for me to read.
So when the man standing at my front door blinks in surprise after I say, “I’m Antoinette,” I’m used to it.
I wasn't ready for a funeral. The first paragraph didn't prepare me for it. The second paragraph didn't prepare me for it. The beginning of the third paragraph doesn't prepare me for it. Then in the final two words of the third paragraph, there it is. When the narrator says, "I'm used to it," at the end of the second paragraph, I don't expect this particular occurrence at the door to be unusual, merely mundane. And for his admittance into the house (beginning of third paragraph) to be nothing unusual.
And, yes, the sudden shift to present tense is jarring.
Anyway, why would he be surprised by her saying her name is Antoinette if he doesn't know her (which it appears is the case)? They're used to big names in the South anyway. Ask Mary Robinette.
Other than that, the voice is is assured, though the rapid switch into present tense did jolt me a little.
I'd read on, at least for now.
I absolutely refuse to read a novel-length work in first person present tense.
Unfortunately, I'm pretty much with Christine on first person present tense. I don't have a very long attention span for that particular format of narration. Even if the story is wonderful, I keep losing track of what's going on when and who's talking and all that stuff, and eventually I just give up.
Some people like it, for some odd reason.
One or two, OK, but three is too many in a row.
The balance of the opening was good and interesting.
[This message has been edited by Omakase (edited April 25, 2006).]
I only have a few nits: saying she has white blonde hair seems redundant. Unless the whiteness of her blondeness factors into the story, I'd leave the word "white" out of it. Let the reader determine the level of blonde they imagine; unless, as I said, it is relevant to the plot.
I didn't like the transition from past to present tense. Particularly since it comes mid paragraph. Present tense is a joy-killer for a lot of people; it just doesn't read as smoothly. I suggest you take a hard assessment of your reasons for writing in present tense, and calculate the price you pay for it, and decide if it's really worth it. Only you know if the story demands present tense. But I was more comfortable with your opener, in past tense.
"As a result, I’ve taken to going by Ann.".... this I had to re-read to understand. I suggest rephrasing it in a slightly more concise manner: "As a result, I go by my nickname, Ann." The part that threw me off was "...taken to going by...." That is a particularly convoluted way to say what you are trying to say. Simplify, if you can.
Other than that, excellent first 13. I would definately continue to read.
Thanks so much for all of the responses. I will definitely rethink the first person present tense. I'm not trying to be literary, I just want to write a good story that people enjoy and if this many people have an issue with it, it's a problem.
It's a relief to find a group that gives you honest feedback about your work. What a help!
Rose
"so I’m stuck with a name [...]" First thing I thought was, so what, go by a different name. After reading on, I thought mentioning "I've taken to going by Ann" should be moved after the "stuck with" sentence.
"more curves than the Kentucky back roads" seems a little strong on cliche.
After stating that she goes by Ann, I thought it very odd that she then said "I'm Antoinette." She explains why she doesn't like the name, that she chose to go by another name, then turns around and uses the name she doesn't like. Just didn't work for me.
In loose terms, there's enough there to make it interesting.