[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 06, 2006).]
Here are some random thoughts of mine. Warning: reading it over it sounds terse.
"It was cold outside. Cold and cloudy, and the sky was dark, the clouds pregnant with the promise of rain."
-This can be condensed or cut entirely. I'd cut it because the clouds are full of snow not rain.
"I stepped out of the church and watched the snow fall down; seeing the white, icy flakes descend to the ground and settle, before being conglomerated into the ever-increasing mass of snow on the earth beneath my feet."
-This seems overly wordy for the first thirteen. The description is a little bloated. Condense it.
"I stayed in this stance, mesmerized for a few seconds, before my brain kicked in and reminded me what I was to do next."
-Is this the character or author speaking? I'd cut this. It brings the reader to a stop.
"I was going to the only person who could help me; the only one I could trust."
-I like this, instant conflict. The story starts here.
"Memory came back to me, as a specter, possessing me entirely, and consuming me, a dark foreboding entity that just didn’t want to die, even after the irreparable damage it had caused."
-He has a flashback, a bad memory. What is it? Why is it bad? If it 'possesses him entirely and consumes him' it must take more than one line before he is thinking back to the service. Unless the service is the bad memory?
"I thought back to the service that had just ended. --- I had put the Bible down on the pew, and walked out, unable to forget, try as I might."
Unable to forget what? The quote?
After 13 lines all I know is that it is snowing outside a church and a guy/girl is standing in it. He is in trouble but instead we focus on the snowflakes and church service.
Who is the MC? Why is he/she in trouble? What is the significance of the there only being one person in the world to help him/her. What is the MCs name and gender?
I would take this line:
"I was going to the only person who could help me; the only one I could trust."
and start there. Rewrite the rest. It was decent prose but it does not help drive the story. Let us know more about this character and his/her problem.
Grim
This is very dense reading. IMHO that's not good. It felt like too much work to parse through very long and detailed descriptions/sentances. More clarity is needed along with much less telling.
>It was cold outside. <
If you deleted this line and started with the stepping out of the church you'd be showing me it was cold not telling me.
> Cold and cloudy, and the sky was dark, the clouds pregnant with the promise of rain. <
How are the clouds "pregnant with the promise of rain" when it is cold and snowy? You completely lost me here.
> I stepped out of the church and watched the snow fall down; seeing the white, icy flakes descend to the ground and settle, before being conglomerated into the ever-increasing mass of snow on the earth beneath my feet. <
NIT - This is far too long a sentance. If you are using a semicolon odds are you are better off with two or more sentances. There is just too much information to process. If I was skimming in a book store for a new author/book to read, this is where you lose me. Actually, I might have hung in until three lines later when you do it again, but that is the maximum I would give this story. It sounds too much like you being impressed at how you can put the words together and it doesn't flow. I had to re-read the sentance to understand everything happening in it.
>I stayed in this stance, mesmerized for a few seconds, before my brain kicked in and reminded me what I was to do next. I was going to the only person who could help me; the only one I could trust. <
I want to know what his/her issue is, or at least the general idea (not the details). I don't want it hidden from me. You aren't creating mystery, you are just withholding information. Personnally, now I am tearing my hair out, please tell me SOMETHING about what is going on. All I know is someone just stepped out of a church and has something he/she needs to do.
NIT - by this point, I want to know the gender if not the name of the MC.
> Memory came back to me, as a specter, possessing me entirely, and consuming me, a dark foreboding entity that just didn’t want to die, even after the irreparable damage it had caused. <
This is where I am done as a reader. To give feeback I did drag myself through the rest of it, but otherwise, the book is closed.
> ‘May the grace of our Lord, the love of God, and the sweet fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you now and forever more. Amen. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the shadow of the almighty. Amen.’ <
The quote might work if I had any idea what the service was. Is this a funeral, Sunday mass, what? While I assume it's a Catholic service, the quote is not one that I am familiar with, so I'm not 100% sure.
> I had put the Bible down on the pew, and walked out, unable to forget, try as I might. <
ACTION!! YEA!!! Although the "try as I might" may be redundant unless he/she is stresing it as a character trait. But I still don't know who he/she is and what he/she is doing there. Was he/she the minister?
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited May 05, 2006).]
I also agree with Grim and King...is your story a novel, a short story? King is on the money if this is a short story. <I was going to the only person who could help me; the only one I could trust.> Is a good hook and a great place to start. That is the very spot in your lines that brought me back into the story.
[This message has been edited by Bionic Fuzz (edited May 05, 2006).]
It was cold outside. Cold and cloudy, and the sky was dark, the clouds pregnant with the promise of rain.
** I'm getting a clear picture, and I like it **
I stepped out of the church and watched the snow fall down; seeing the white, icy flakes
** I'm getting bored -- I knew that snow comes in white, icy flakes; doesn't do anything for me **
descend to the ground and settle, before being conglomerated into the ever-increasing mass of snow on the earth beneath my feet.
** bored -- narrator is watching snow, but I don't know why, or why I should care **
I stayed in this stance, mesmerized for a few seconds, before my brain kicked in and reminded me what I was to do next.
** confused -- what's mesmerizing about snowfall? **
I was going to the only person who could help me; the only one I could trust.
** confused -- what's up? annoyed -- why won't the author tell me? **
Memory came back to me, as a specter, possessing me entirely, and consuming me, a dark foreboding entity that just didn’t want to die, even after the irreparable damage it had caused.
** seriously annoyed -- why is the author keeping all the significance secret? Everything that might tell me why I want to read, he won't tell me **
I thought back to the service that had just ended. ‘May the grace of our Lord, the love of God, and the sweet fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you now and forever more. Amen. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the shadow of the almighty. Amen.’ I had put the Bible down on the pew, and walked out, unable to forget, try as I might.
** forget what? Seriously annoyed.. **
OK. This reminds me of an example OSC has in Characters & Viewpoint. A detailed description of someone's getting up, the sun on the sheets and the note on the pillow, the shower and how the droplets of water cleansed but the grief is still there . . . lots of detail, but what we really want to know is, what's in that note?
I think that may be what made others describe this as dense text. The words aren't big and the sentence structures aren't baroque, but they just aren't telling me why I'd want to read.
The story is actually a novel; it's 26, 090 words.
BAsically, what you guys are saying is that it is too descriptive, and loses the reader too quickly, right?
In other words i should cut out the excessive adjectives and focus on trying to pull the reader into the story... (eg, don't waste tinme telling the reader about snow when they already know it's white)
The thing is, i want the memory to be what pulls the reader in; i don't want to spoil the 'flow' or movement; it's supposed to make the person what to know what exactly itr is that is wrong... I don't want to spoonfeed the reader. Any ideas on how to pull it off???
Thanks 4 the reviews
Except I've heard that line a hundred times and I'd probably set the story aside immediately. It's not quite "It was a dark and stormy night" but it's pretty close to "The first time I met so-and-so he was...."
I agree with the other comments about the mundane-ness of the snow, the rain, the environment. The environment OUTSIDE is not what interests us... it's the environment inside the MC's head that is the hook. If the exterior scene doesn't factor into the plot, gloss over it quickly and tell us what DOES matter.
[This message has been edited by Elan (edited May 07, 2006).]
As to the story, ditch it was cold out, the clouds being pregnant, and start it with the snow covering the ground. Obviously, if it's snowing, it's cold. Remember this is your hook, if you bore us with scenery and no action we won't keep reading.
Chrissie
Right now I am not connected or vested in any way in the MC.
It's not so much that the descriptions are too verbose (although that is an issue for me, at least). It is that all your effort seems to be spent telling me about the enviornment and not what is going on with the MC. If I know who the MC is and have a glimmer of his/her issue, I am willing to put up with a lot of "dense" description. By the time you hint at action (the 13th line) I've probably given up on the story.
You also probably need to shorten it to make it a short story or lenghten it for a novel.
But maybe I don't understand what you're getting at. If I have a memory of an event that's the draw of the story, it isn't the *memory* that's interesting, it's the event. Is there something about the fact that this is remembered, that is important? Like in the movie Memento, in which being unable to remember was the central problem of the movie?
It was cold outside. I felt the blast of icy wind as the snow fell; the closest thing to a mirror image of my soul. I didn’t like the weather; it was too similar to the desolation inside my soul; too similar to the memory.
I heard the sound of a car pulling up and parking, throwing small stones off the gravel as it did so. “Honey, will you get that?” Mom called. I obliged, peeking through the window and seeing a black sedan on the driveway; but not completely. . The driver emerged and dusted himself off before closing the door, looking behind him, and heading for the house. I closed the curtain. “Mom!” I called out. I hoped she’d hear me. “It’s someone I don’t know. Do you want me to open for him?”
I was going to the only person who could help me; the only one I could trust. Memory came back to me, as a specter, possessing me entirely, and consuming me, a dark foreboding entity that just didn’t want to die, even after the irreparable damage it had caused. I fought back in my mind valiantly, trying to push away the darkness, but, as before, it was no use.
I opened the door and the man stood before me, dressed in a military uniform; a row of badges adorning his suit breast. Something told me it was important. He gave a crisp, almost perfunctory salute, and I responded in kind.
“I would like to speak to a Ms. Angela Harper.”
“Mrs.” I corrected. “Mom! Someone wants to see you.”
“she’ll be here in a moment. would you like a seat?”
“No thanks sir. I’d rather stand.” Suit yourself, I thought to myself. I wandered into the lounge but I couldn’t sate my curiosity. Why was he here? I watched Mom go up to him, and I moved closer to them so I could hear them more clearly; staying all the while in the view of the guest.
“Mrs Harper?” he questioned.
“Yes?”
“I have a telegram for you. I think you should read it now.” He handed over a brown envelope and she opened it, unfolding it carefully.
I thought back to the service that had just ended. ‘May the grace of our Lord, the love of God, and the sweet fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you now and forever more. Amen. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow us all the days of our lives, and we shall dwell in the shadow of the Almighty. Amen.’ the minister had prayed, concluding this Sunday’s service. Somehow, it hadn’t helped. So, I had put the Bible down on the pew, and walked out, unable to forget the service that had changed my life.
“He was a great man; a philanthropist, and one who worked to improve the lives of those around him. He will be missed by all present here... I pray that God will be with his family.” That was it. They closed the casket, and placed the flag on top of it. The soldiers fired the guns into the air, seven times; each shot ringing in my heart. That was when the diggers stuck their shovels into the ground and started to cover the casket; a crushing finality was present as they did so; I fought to hold back the tears. Ashes to ashes, and dust to dust…
& thanks to all who've taken the time to read and comment. Hopefully one day i'll become something like the great OSC...
Based on the long post I know the MC is troubled by the death of his father, but you've lost clarity in shifting back and forth between the funeral and the soldier arriving with the telegram.
Also, I am completely confused at the MC's age. In the "flashback" he seems like a young child - asking whether he should let the stranger in and not connecting his appearance on thier doorstep with his father's service in the military - in the service - he seems much older - 20's or so.
Why not just start the story just before the telegram arrives? You can then jump forward to the funeral.
If you want to describe the scene to start, I think it might work to give us the scene, but tainted by the MC's worries, fear, and anxiety. Is the snow going to make getting to his destination dangerous and slow? Is the cold weather unexpected or a cause for worry? Does the reduced visibility and muffled sound mean that an enemy could be just around the corner and he wouldn't know? If you're giving me snow to start with, I want the snow to be important.
I don't think snow conglomerates. Even if it does, I don't think it should. The snow's putting on airs.
Once you get past the snow, I like the way the story's starting to go. You've got some drama, some hint of danger, and an idea that the MC is either religious, or sarcastic about religion, or that religion will play a role in the story.