Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Sub a short SF story

This is topic Sub a short SF story in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Edward Rodosek (Member # 3405) on :

THE PEDDLER

“Tara,” said Marcel and glanced at me over the newspaper, “the ‘Bodoni Circus’ came into our town yesterday.”
“Bodoni? I've heard about it.” I didn’t stop mincing the greens I was preparing. “Shall we go to see the show?”
He smiled. “You don't care a pin for circus shows, Tara. But I know you're mad about the fortune-telling.”
I stopped my work and gazed at him. His hair was receding, but what was left was dark brown and curly. Only his long sideburns were touched with gray.
“Okay, okay,” he consented. “We could take a peep. Maybe they have some interesting animals.”
Now I chuckled. “I hope you don’t try to bribe some tamer to allow you to wash an elephant like you did last time.”

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

Mild suggestion: you *might* want there to be some conflict or struggle going into the story. Or you might not; it's OK to interrupt a happy life with what's going to happen.

Another mild suggestion: you might not be married to opening with this scene. I'm not saying change it, but you might want to.

Stronger suggestion: you're doing a great job of putting in details, but I suggest *relevant* detail. For example, I would only mention mincing the greens if the greens are important, or her "not stopping" has to do with feeling too busy, or not paying much attention to Marcel. I would only mention Marcel's hair if his age is an issue. I think this will really strengthen the story.

Looks good so far.

[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited May 05, 2006).]

Posted by pantros (Member # 3237) on :

Drop the character description unless it matters as a plot point in the story.
If he knows her well enough to know how she feels about circuses, she knows what he looks like so is unlikely to examining his features.

Posted by pantros (Member # 3237) on :

Don't feel pressured to tag or otherwise mark every single line of dialogue. Your paragraph changes should be enough of an inidcator who is talking in a two person conversation. Also, use tags other than 'said' or 'asked' sparingly.

Posted by Novice (Member # 3379) on :

I like this scene. It's not a nail-biter, but it's pleasant and makes me want to know more about why Tara would not like the fortune tellers coming to town.

I have some small suggestions:

1. You don't really need the extra single quotations around "Bodoni Circus" in the 1st line.

2. "...came into our town..." is an awkward phrase, it sounds too formal for conversation.

3. There aren't many greens that I mince. This is a very minor complaint, but it distracted me as I was reading, because it's difficult for me to picture.

4. "...said Marcel and glanced at me..." in the first line is a very awkward phrase, and I stumbled the first few times I tried to read it. I had to keep going back until I sorted it out.

None of these things are deal-breakers for me, and I'd keep reading if you didn't change any of it.

Posted by HSO (Member # 2056) on :

Right. Let me say kudos for developing the Main Character's name right away. Often it's the easiest thing to forget in a first-person narrative, so good job. (Failure to name a first-person narrator quickly is a huge pet peeve of mine; I used to reject loads of stories for it. And, of course, opinions vary. At least you pleased me.)

Character description is fine, and it certainly doesn't need to be developed only via plot points, though it would be strengthened to no end if she had a reason for noting it. Perhaps the MC still finds him attractive despite the way he presently looks, and so on... lots of ways to develop character description, and often it works wonderfully when woven into action. Some authors use loads of descriptions, and some bare bones it. Neither choice is wrong, it's only preference. Nevertheless, overdoing or underdoing should be avoided.

As long as the circus is a main plot point, meaning some kind of conflict is going to happen there with a fortune teller or some other such thing, then it's fine. Right now, I'm expecting something to happen there. If nothing does, I'll be a little disappointed. But that also depends on circumstances -- oh, I don't know, maybe soul-sucking zombie aliens are hitchhiking and the couple picks them up, and... and well, you get the point. I don't need conflict at the beginning, but I do need something to hook me and the circus works well enough in that regard.

What I do think is missing from this is a little setup sentence to get us going, such as "I was chopping up greens for dinner when my husband peered over his paper and mentioned going to the circus." (Note: It doesn't have to start like that, that's only an example of a starting phrase.)

Starting via dialogue is notoriously difficult to pull off well. OSC does it well enough in Ender's Game and a few of his short stories, too (heck, it's probably his trademark beginning), but... well, this dialogue feels a little off, but not terribly so. You might consider fine tuning this so it's slightly less choppy with more natural dialogue...

Overall, not bad. I wouldn't put it down based on this fragment, so long as the circus is developed, or there are soul-sucking, hitchhiking, zombie aliens that prevent them from getting there -- but that's just my thing, I suppose. Good luck.

[This message has been edited by HSO (edited May 05, 2006).]