First 13 lines. I won't give you anything else, I want uninfluenced opinions.
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Jinsez tore a pinch of white flesh from the lamba fish and wrapped it in a small piece leaf, still shimmering with moisture. "Lamba. Lamba beo. Jinsez lamba, lamba beo, me ta." he sang. His voice was high and smooth, it echoed clearly from the solid rock wall behind him. The echoes of his song mingled with his singing, each word repeating itself from the rock face. He placed the piece of beo wrapped fish in his mouth, and swallowed. Before the echoes of his last words had died, he tore another pinch of flesh and began his song again.
Beside him, his mate Calta slowly ground fish between two fist size white stones. The rasping of stone on stone marked an even rhythm to her singing, and her words flowed into the spaces between her mate's words and the rock's reply.
Posted by Vatyma (Member # 2749) on :
Hey Mightycow,
I like your style, it was a bit confusing at the beginning but so far so good. I esp liked the song merging with his mates rasping of the stone Where are you taking this, is this a story about cavemen?
Two things:
"He placed the piece of beo wrapped fish in his mouth," -you mean "leaf wrapped beo," right?
"a small piece leaf" -a small piece of a leaf
Posted by wyrd1 (Member # 3366) on :
neat beginning
Posted by pjp (Member # 3211) on :
I like it so far. The only thing I thought was odd, was the second use of mate ("between her mate's words."). I'm not sure if it's due to the second usage being close to the first, or because it feels like it's keeping me distant from the characters/story.
Were it novel length, I'd read on for a while, but I'd still want something soon to pull me over the edge from interested to compelled. Being a short story, I want something prett quick... singing about fish is only so compelling to me
If you're looking for readers, I'd like to.
[This message has been edited by pjp (edited May 10, 2006).]
Posted by MightyCow (Member # 3384) on :
Thanks for the comments so far. It's not quite finished, I'm struggling with the ending, so I thought I might look back at the beginning, and see if I actually got off on the wrong foot, which is why I can't get the end to work right.
Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :
Engaging opening, but I have a few suggestions for changes. The first sentence ends with "still shimmering with moisture" but it not clear, the way it is written whether this refers to the fish or the leaf. I think the leaf, but that is not clear. Also, instead of "Jinsez tore a pinch of..." maybe "Jinsez pinched the white flesh..."
Overall the rest was good.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I would normally ask POV, but this is clearly structured as objective.
Objective isn't a bad choice for short stories, though it is difficult and rather out of fashion these days. But since we don't understand the language that Jinsez speaks, it may well be impossible to get much out of the story. Of course, actions speak louder than words.
However, if you're planning to switch POV later, then you shouldn't start in objective.
Posted by MightyCow (Member # 3384) on :
As you can tell, the language is imaginary. I actually only use it a few more times, and hopefully the reader can get the basic point of what is being sung. If not, it isn't anything crucial to the story.
My goal in using an imaginary language was both to show the characters as obviously different from us immediately, and to make clear that their whole language is based around singing. It's very simple and to the point, and they don't have all that much to talk about.
I do want to get into the character's feelings to a limited extent, but I don't want to translate the language. I am hoping to be able to have the reader care about the main character, Jinsez, while still realizing that he's different in many ways from what we are used to.
Posted by Novice (Member # 3379) on :
This is really good. I like the strangeness of it, the detachment. You accomplish a lot with tone, character, and setting in just a few lines.
I have a small doubt about audible echoes coming from a wall behind him, unless there is also a wall in front of him. Maybe it's just me.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I would have said not so much "objective" as "cinematic." OK, so it's cinematic. Not my cup of tea. I like the imagery, but I also like to know what it means.
Are Jinsez and Calta human? Calling Calta a "mate" rather than a "wife" makes me wonder.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Marriage is a widespread custom, but not all sexual relationships can be so defined.
Posted by MightyCow (Member # 3384) on :
You find out soon that they are not human, although they're fairly close. They certainly aren't married, their culture has no equivalent ritual.
The acoustics of where they live make everything echo, which is one of the main points of the story.
Survivor and Wbriggs: Do you have suggestions for other POVs, keeping in mind that I want to keep the language as-is, with no translation?
[This message has been edited by MightyCow (edited May 12, 2006).]
Posted by Woodie (Member # 3346) on :
The first paragraph of this made me think Jinsez was a marooned sailor on a deserted island singing jibberish to himself. With the introduction of a 'mate' I though shipmate. It would have been easier for me to get into if I know what kind of creature I should be imaging here.
Posted by MightyCow (Member # 3384) on :
Interesting Woody. One of the things I've been struggling with is getting the setting expressed clearly. It's more of a sci fi setting, but the characters aren't aware of it right away. I don't want to "pull a fast one" on the reader later, but it's difficult to stay within character POV and make it clear what's going on.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
If you want to leave the language untranslated, then you cannot choose a POV that would understand the specific meaning of the words. That rules out Jinsez, at least, and probably Calta.
Objective isn't a bad choice, though it certainly has limitations as a narrative POV. In this case I think it's the natural choice for what you want to do, though I have no real idea why you want to do it. And because it is objective rather than character, you can reveal any information that is physically present, like specific distinguishing marks to cue the reader in to the species of the actors. We aren't seeing what Jinsez sees anyway, therefore it doesn't matter whether Jinsez can see something, only that we can see it.
Posted by MightyCow (Member # 3384) on :
Thanks for all the feedback. I've had some new thoughts on the story as a whole, based on the feedback so far, and I think I'm going to do a major rewrite and take it in a new direction.
Where are you taking this, is this a story about cavemen?