Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The King's Falcon

This is topic The King's Falcon - revised prologue in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

Thank you to all of those who posted feedback last time. This is the begining of a 108,270 word Limited 3rd Person Omniscient fantasy novel. The prologue is 3,821 words. The prologue and first three chapters are a total of 11,588 words. I would definately like feeback on the first 13 to see if I fixed the issues with it. Also, if anyone would be willing to read/critique the prologue and/or the first three chapters, I would appreciate it. Thanks again!

The boy, who was nearly a man, stared at the wasteland that was his rightful kingdom. Everything and everyone that mattered was gone. Well, almost everyone. Karsh’s arm tightened around his sister sitting in the saddle in front of him. He’d saved her from the spell had vaporized their parents along with Sabbatus’ capital city, Isintart. Trying not to feel the loss, he scanned the bloated vultures feasting on the dead of what was once a village. Maybe the ones who’d died at Isintart had been the lucky ones. They didn’t face the prospect of war, marauding armies and starvation as contenders for the throne tried to seize power.
With Isintart gone, his half-sibilings had assumed he and Ellana had died with their parents. It was an assumption he could do nothing to correct.

Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :

I've inserted my comments in the piece:

The boy, who was nearly a man, [I would just come right out and say it: "Karash stared at..."] stared at the wasteland that was his rightful kingdom. Everything and everyone that mattered was gone. [don't say this if it's not true. Just say: "Nearly everything and everyone..." and cut the "Well, almost..."] Well, almost everyone. Karsh’s arm tightened around his sister sitting in the saddle in front of him. [this is worded wrong. "...who sat in the saddle..."??? maybe someone else has a better notion of how it should sound] He’d saved her from the spell had vaporized [this seems like a fairly modern term] their parents along with Sabbatus’ capital city, Isintart. Trying not to feel the loss, he scanned the bloated vultures feasting on the dead of what was once a village. Maybe the ones who’d died at Isintart had been the lucky ones. They didn’t face the prospect of war, marauding armies [comma] and starvation as contenders for the throne tried to seize power.
With Isintart gone, his half-sibilings had assumed he and Ellana had died with their parents. It was an assumption he could do nothing to correct. [i][why not?][i]

I would be more hooked I think if you stuck me in the battle (or vaporisation) that has just taken place. As it is, I'm not hooked because the exciting thing has already happened. Then you can hook me as you're showing me this world they live in.

Hope this helps...

Posted by Neoindra (Member # 3422) on :

I don’t know… I like the boy, who was nearly a man better. It puts a frame of reference around the character and tells the reader what his likely actions will be. A sixteen or seventeen year old boy who just lost everything will react differently than someone who is older. I think the saddle sentence could be a little smoother. Maybe if you described how the sister was riding in front of him it would help? You're missing a “that” in the sentence “He’d saved her from the spell <> had vaporized...." I think this is a wonderful opening and would be happy to look over the rest of it.

Posted by mommiller (Member # 3285) on :

Hey King's Falcon. I do like this beginning better, and if you don't mind waiting until after the weekend, I could do a critique on the first three chapters too.

Posted by Pyre Dynasty (Member # 1947) on :

I'll just add that I agree with Pixydust.

And when you say Sabbatus' it should be Sabbatus's even though it seems weird it reads more naturally.

Also the 'those who died were the lucky ones' seems cliche.

Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :

This opening did not really work for me. It's a little rushed for the beginning of a novel. Setting the scene a little more in detail and then dumping background info could be done at a more leisurely pace. This seems more like the beginning of short story.
The wording is uneven, as others have already commented.

Posted by Woodie (Member # 3346) on :

I agree with pixydust that you should start with "Karsh stared..." but I would not mind if you put in 'the boy, who was nearly a man' part in the next sentence, to show that he is young and alone.

One other thought I had while I was reading: if there are 'bloated vultures feasting...' wouldn't it stick like crazy? I mean, so much that it would be hard to stand? Just a nit.

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

Happy Mother's Day

Thank you everyone. Momiller and Neoindra, I'll send it to you on Monday when I have DLS and not dial up (yes, I live in the stix).

Woodie - on the stink - You find out in a few lines that the battle ended a few cycles (hours) ago. The original post had the houses still smouldering but was cut to avoid the info dump in the first 13.

[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited May 14, 2006).]

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

Pixie Dust, Pyre Dynasty

I had that comment last time too but decided not to start at the fall of Isnitart for two reasons:

(1) To set up the fall (as opposed to just showing the city blowing up without the reader having any idea why it just happened) would require about two chapters. The prologue would then be three chapter. Any thoughts on prologue lenght?;

(2) The pont of the story is not the fall of Isintart, although saving Sabbatus is Karsh's motivation for most of what he does through out the story. Karsh's section of the prologue is fairly short (3 pages or so) but necessary to set up what happens to the other MC (Falcon). Which leads me to the next question, do you keep reading anyway (the next paragraph or so sets up some of what may have happened at Isnitart) or do you shut the book?

Omakase:

Hopefully the above answers some of the question you had on pacing. Also, the first post spent most of the thirteen lines setting the scene and was roundly critisized by many people for being too much of an info dump so I moved much of that description later or deleted it entirely. Any feel about how much more detail you want about the surroundings in the first 13?

Thanks all.

N-

Posted by mommiller (Member # 3285) on :

Thanks King's Falcon,

I'll look forward to reading it then, I've decided that I am going to hold back on comments for the first 13 and include them in the critique on the total.

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

Pixy Dust,

On the comment:

Everything and everyone that mattered was gone. [don't say this if it's not true. Just say: "Nearly everything and everyone..." and cut the "Well, almost..."]
**

It is literally true. As you learn about his society in the next few paragraphs, you learn his sister is considered a non-person as a girl. That being said, does the phrasing still bother you? If so, I do need to change it.

Posted by sholar (Member # 3280) on :

on the prologue question, I do not like a long prologue. I don't really see the need to go into detail if it doesn't mater. I remembered this fragment from the first time it was posted. It seems interesting. I'll read the first three chapters if you still are looking for readers.

Posted by Novice (Member # 3379) on :

Should the last sentence read, "With Isintart gone, his half-siblings [would assume]..."? You mention the battle ended only hours ago, how fast would the half-siblings have heard the news?

If the battle only just ended, the vultures might not yet be "bloated". That word made me think they had been feeding for a long time.

You mention the capital city, Isintart, but then talk about a village. So I'm confused as to what, exactly, Karsh is looking at.

When you say, "They didn't face the prospect of war..." I felt a little more confused, because I assumed the city was destroyed by war.

I agree with earlier comments that didn't like, "The boy, who was nearly a man, stared..." I think it would be better to give his name. And that description seems to slow the first sentence. I agree that it is important to establish his age, but you might want to just flat out say his age.

I don't think I'm hooked yet, which is ok, because I'm also not going to quit reading just here. You've interested me enough to give it a few more pages.

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

Good clarification questions. The village he is looking at is not Isnitart. I'll name the town in the first 13 to clear that up. This scene is about two months after Isnitart was vaporized and war broke out across the country. The vultures are bloated, not from feasting at this village but from the fighting in general. I can clarify that point too.

***

When you say, "They didn't face the prospect of war..." I felt a little more confused, because I assumed the city was destroyed by war.

***

Karsh does not know what destroyed Isintart except that it was done through magic although he assumes a specific half-sibling was responsible. The war "starts" after the King is killed at Isintart. So, the ones who died from the spell did not face the horrors of war. They died before it started. He's not talking about these villagers, who clearly were killed by the war, but the victims of Isnitart.

I will work on clarifing those issues. Thanks for being interested despite them.