I suppose this qualifies as humorous spec fic (well, I hope it's funny). Feedback on the intro only for now. I will not argue if anyone complains about the fourth sentence. Thanks in advance.
*
Catcher of Ghosts
Martin Knollweare believed. He believed in government conspiracies, Bigfoot, and in all things paranormal. He believed there were UFO’s as well--who didn’t? But after years of failing to spot even one spacecraft, the single, thirty-eight-year-old physical therapist became weary of gathering with like-minded sky watchers on a chilly mountainside in New Hampshire, when the only unusual sighting for most evenings was Gloria, the transvestite waitress at Denny’s restaurant in Nashua. Compared to those in his UFO group who wished to be abducted (and probed!), a transvestite hardly qualified as unusual.
Unhappy, Knollweare longed for something special to happen in his life. A girlfriend would be nice, too.
I think this presents a great image of your character right off. I'm hooked cause I'd like to know more about him.
The fourth sentence is kind of long, but I had no trouble understanding it.
I like the sudden mention of Gloria, the crossdressing stargazer.
It also made me think of this, by P J O'Rourke (the rest is at http://www.weeks-g.dircon.co.uk/quotes_by_author_o.htm ; scroll down to O'Rourke).
quote:
What I believed in the Sixties:Everything. You name it and I believed it. ... I believed I could hitchhike to California with thirty-five cents and people would be glad to feed me. ... I believed Yoko Ono was an artist. I believed Bob Dylan was a musician. ... With the exception of anything my mom and dad said, I believed everything.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited May 13, 2006).]
The O'Rourke thing is funnier, and a lot more...effective.
quote:
Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.
This almost sounds sensible, but children fear death more when you don't explain.
I'd keep reading, but I'm not taking it seriously. (I believe this is what you intended.)
I'm not knowing whether to think this is a one-time event, or a regular gathering. I'd also like to know whether this gathering IS his UFO group, or if this is a "Close Encounters" style random gathering of strangers, and he's merely thinking about his friends in the UFO group. I'm suspecting the former, but I'd like a little stronger clarity. Perhaps the subsequent paragraph makes that clear.
Overall, very clever. Nearly as funny as using cats to clean your toilet. I give your hook high marks.
PS: It brings up memories for me of the time I had a chance to see Dr J. Allen Hynek lecture in person about Project Blue Book. He was an amusing and captivating speaker.
quote:
UFOs, not UFO's.
This appears to be a matter of style. In Elements of Style, Strunk & White recommend using an apostrophe, ie: UFO's, for this type of thing. However, The Washington Post Deskbook on Style says to leave the apostrophe out and use the form as UFOs.
[This message has been edited by Rahl22 (edited May 14, 2006).]
My intent with this intro was to develop Knollweare quickly by cramming in the basics of personality and the futility of his life in that first paragraph. Following this, the UFO group, which Knollweare has been a member of for years, is established within Denny's. And of course the catalyst for change in Knollweare's life happens there (though he doesn't recognize it as such at first -- there is a rivalry between the ghost hunters and the sky-watchers, with each group taunting and despising the other, and so on).
No, this isn't to be taken seriously, but it should be believable and engaging, if not a little silly in presentation at times.
And that fourth sentence had been a little longer before I edited it down. I hoped to get away with it as is...
Thanks again.
Thanks for pointing that out.
I'm sure there are a lot of people who can identify with that. But it's also a cliche.
The voice would make me read on. But it's borderline.
Do such creatures exist? Hmm... You know, that might be funnier.
A guy with training in physical therapy and the ability to hold down a job in that field isn't going to have trouble picking up women, even if he limits himself to those who share his beliefs about UFOs (my belief is that they are unidentified, appear to fly, and are percieved as physically discrete entities...termed "objects"). As PennyLane suggested, he might have trouble keeping them for various reasons.
But for me, the problem is just that the voice isn't quite enough to pull me in all by itself. Since you don't open with a scene, it has that burden.
Unhappy, Knollweare longed for something special to happen in his life. A girlfriend would be nice, too."
If you changed the last paragraph to:
"Knollweare longed for something special to happen in his life."
it might hook me more. You can talk about his lack of girlfriend later, as I'm assuming that this is part of the special something he lacks. (otherwise why be up there on the mountain all the time?) I would tone down the bit about the transvestite too, I don't care that he/she works in Nashua ... but that might be funny if I knew anything about New Hampshire. Which I don't.
But I kind of like Martin Knollweare. I want to know more about him. So I think this hook is pretty successful.
quote:
Since you don't open with a scene, it has that burden.
I know. Which is why I posted this up, to discover if starting with only character development is valid in modern fiction... er, valid for modern readers rather. It probably is perfectly valid, but I may not have handled it effectively. Which happens regularly.
Before editing the fourth sentence down, I had established that Knollweare was in Denny's with his group. Instead, I moved it to paragraph three. The original unedited sentence was [edits in square brackets]:
But[Yet] after years of failing to spot even one spacecraft, the single, thirty-eight-year-old physical therapist became weary of [weekly] gathering[s] with like-minded sky-watchers on a chilly mountainside in New Hampshire, when the only unusual sighting for most evenings was Gloria, the transvestite waitress at Denny’s restaurant in Nashua[, where the EARs -- Extraterrestrials Are Real (The Granite State Charter)-- presently sat waiting for their breakfasts at three o'clock in the morning].
Clearly, the fourth sentence needed a chopping and for some of its contents to be developed later. But that was the original, if anyone wants a laugh...
EDIT: Colorbird, would you like to know more about Nashua? ... : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nashua%2C_New_Hampshire
There's nothing inherently funny about Nashua.
[This message has been edited by HSO (edited May 16, 2006).]
Voice alone can carry a narrative intro, but it has to be exceptional. The voice itself has to have bite, attitude, a surprising twist of perception. wbriggs' O'Rourke quote illustrates that quality amply, despite the fact that it is rather heavily edited. Douglas Adams was a master of maintaining that kind of voice, one that demanded attention because it had such a unique take on things.
You come close...you're trying to achieve it. But you aren't quite there. Partly, I think that your voice is too real, too normal. Martin isn't ferocious about anything, so we're more likely to be interested in him as a person in an identifiable situation (waiting for breakfast with his kook friends is good).
Let this segment take place later, after you've established the immediate and general situation, let Martin have a crisis of identity. When he's grappling with whether he wants to be part of this group anymore, let him really hash it out with himself. It'll be fun. But the voice isn't strong enough to use for the opening.
So here's a Star Trek story... I have a friend who speaks Klingon. She's Jewish, and claims that since Klingon is a "gutteral, spitting language" that it's quite similar to Hebrew, and thus a natural for her. A local Portland espresso shop offered a free cup of coffee to anyone that day who came in with some Star Trek momento. She asked for the coffee in Klingon, and got her freebie.
Lest you think THAT is odd, the Portland area county mental health department had a newspaper article telling how they were seeking an interpreter who spoke Klingon. Seems occasionally they get mental health cases and the person won't speak anything else but....
So by contrast, HSO's character is fairly mild, but I have great hopes that the character will develop into something equally amusing.
And in that vein, the appropriate DA insertion would be (roughly):
He believed in UFOs as well. Aside from Knollweare's tendency to buy expensive but worthless gadgets from the Home Shopping Network, his belief in aliens piloting UFOs across the galaxy to visit and study Earth was perhaps his greatest flaw. The truth is that humans are completely alone in the universe (well, there are highly intelligent slime molds on Rakagiggeltek, but since they can only communicate by jiggling and the occasional excited burp, humans could never understand them anyway and would likely only discover that the slime molds made for a wonderful industrial lubricant -- so the slime molds shouldn't be counted). Unfortunately, Knollweare didn't believe that it really was a weather balloon that crashed at Area 51, which it was, so he joined EARs...
[This message has been edited by HSO (edited May 16, 2006).]
(And I want to add that whenever I hear the term UFO I think of the time a bird flew into the window of my shop class. It made a huge thump and my instructor looked up and said, "What was that?" At that moment it was a UFO. I'd rather you use flying saucers, or aliens or life up there or even horrible squidlike creatures. okay so now I'm just having fun.)
I second Elan. If you want a reader within the next month or two, just email me. I should have the time.