Thank you so much for any opinions on the beginning below !! Gx
I woke to the sound of my mobile ringing. I switched it off and stretched clumsily, my whole body stiff and aching. Stephan was asleep on the chair beside me. Though the curtains were drawn, the red in them was bright as if burning, and I could tell it was daytime and the sun was in full force. Someone had drapped a blanket around me. I glanced around the room. There were empty bottles everywhere, ashtrays full, glass littered the floor. “You are aware that you’ve just spent three days in a bar” Erwin noted evenly, from the far side of the room. He had an amused expression on his face. Damn. So much for being enigmatic. As if to double my pain, I kept having flash backs of the night before, how I met him, what I had said. “Coffee” he said, rising up out of his chair past me to the bar. And I trundled over
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 18, 2006).]
Posted by wyrd1 (Member # 3366) on :
I have one problem, how can someone spend three days in a bar? Now, I would read on just to find out but if you let me down I would toss the book in the trash. Stay faithful to your reader. Other than that, and a few spelling errors, I would read more.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
A little punctuation and paragraph stuff will work wonders.
Beyond that: who's Stephan? Who's Erwin? How do they relate to MC? What was the "being enigmatic" about? Telling us the significance will help a lot, I think.
Posted by Shendülféa (Member # 2964) on :
There's a few punctuation problems here and there (i.e. there should be some sort of punctuation at then end of each piece of dialogue before the end quote). Also, I think your hook would be Erwin's comment, but be sure to tell us how he relates to the MC.
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
I'm more puzzled than hooked.
The MC wakes up to his/her (I initially pictured her, but then decided it was probably his...) phone ringing, which doesn't wake Stephan. Meanwhile, Erwin is across the room - did he ring the mobile? What room is this, and where? Why are three men (or two men and a woman) sharing it? Who's ringing the MC (and after that first line, the phone is completely ignored -- normally if someone is woken by a phone, they answer it, they don't start up a conversation with someone else).
I have no idea who these people are; where they are; why they're there. A novel can be more relaxed in its lead-in than a short story, but as it stands I think I'd like to know at least one of these things up front, because at the moment I'm too busy asking questions to concentrate on the actual writing.
Posted by thexmedic (Member # 2844) on :
I think it's an information problem - there's not enough here. You've got your opening three or four paragraphs condensed into one. Take it slower. Give a little more description of the surroundings. Also let us get inside the character's head a little more. You do it with the lines "Damn. So much for being enigmatic" but that doesn't mean anything to me, because it's my first dip into her mind. It sounds like a payoff but there's been no set up.
It certainly sounds like you know a lot more of what's going on than the reader. Let him/her know too.
Posted by Woodie (Member # 3346) on :
My first issue was with not knowing the gender--I hate having to guess. The sentence:
>Though the curtains were drawn, the red in them was bright as if burning, and I could tell it was daytime and the sun was in full force.<
felt really choppy to me.
Also, Erwin informs him/her that he/she has been in the bar for three days. That made me think that the MC had been passed out for awhile, but then he/she remembers the night before...
Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
You lose me immediately by starting your story out with a character who wakes up... just like 70% of new writers do. Starting out with "It was a dark and stormy night," would actually be a less common opener.
I am confused with two characters in the room? Your details of the environment are descriptive, but the more important detail of" "Who is present and what is their purpose for being there?" isn't. Don't be vague with the things we need to know. Give us an emotional reaction from the MC's POV. Give us more details on the characters, too.
Posted by wetwilly (Member # 1818) on :
If whatever it is that happened last night in the bar is important, maybe you would be better off backing up and starting the story there. Or maybe not; I don't know enough about your book to say, just a suggestion to consider.
Posted by Sara Genge (Member # 3468) on :
"and I could tell it was daylight". Better have a period before that sentence and start: "I could tell it was daylight" I have no trouble imagining how someone can spend three days in a bar, but it involves taking drugs to keep you awake or being the owner.