You guys have inspired me. I never tried writing short stories before, but now I've got the bug. Here's one I'm working on, fantasy, approx. 2K. Mid-draft. Let me know what works and what doesn't. Would you keep reading? If not, what does it need?
The wizard Hydrargyrum poisoned the King's Silvershaper with a bit of magic sprinkled over their meal each night. The magic couldn't hurt the King, who was simple and childlike and would die of his own curdled wits before his heir turned ten. The magic couldn't hurt the wizard, though it tasted like sulfur and made him sweat sticky, sharp beads of pitch.
But the Silvershaper--the magic made the plaques on his fingertips turn sullen red with copper-fire impurities. It burned his throat and chest, and twice he vomited puddles of quicksilver onto his bed linens. He lost weight. His hair grew in dull pewter, and when he made a silver clockwork rooster for the Prince, it tarnished before finishing its first crow.
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
It's florid, but I think it's florid in an effective way. The idea of magic being "sprinkled" on a meal is different, and I don't have a problem with the omni POV in the circumstances.
I'd read on.
Posted by LMermaid (Member # 2778) on :
I was confused by "the magic made the plaques on his fingertips turn sullen red," so I looked up "plaque" and found out that one meaning can be a patch of skin disease. That makes a lot more sense than what I was imagining when I read the phrase initially. Other readers might have a better vocabulary than I do, but another word would have worked better for me (calluses? skin?).
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
What Tch. said.
Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
A short story can tolerate a character named "Hydrargyrum" but it would annoy me over the course of a novel. Your opener is unusual, and from that point it's a hook. I would approach the story with caution. It strikes me as a story that will either get really good, or sink from an overdose of clever. I would read a short story to find out. Not sure I'd buy into it as a book.
One thing that puts me off is the weird description of "made him sweat sticky, sharp beads of pitch"... I've never seen sweat that comes out in sharp beads of pitch. This sort of thing is teetering on that 'overdose of clever' I mentioned. The vomiting of quicksilver is another. I'm losing my ability to suspend disbelief. You need a quick framework built into the story to anchor me into your milieu so I can believe sweat can be sharp and people can ingest quicksilver, at least in YOUR world.
If I was perusing this story in a bookstore, I'd give the next page a glance.
Posted by jayazman (Member # 2818) on :
Sounds good, made me want to find out why the wizard would poison the Silvershaper.
The only thing that made me stop was the use of 'their' in the first sentence. Since your talking about the Silvershaper (single) I don't think 'their'(plural)is the word you want to use. After reading it a few times I figured out you meant the wizard was sprinkling everybody's food, and only the Silvershaper was affected by it, but I had to read it a few times.
Posted by Sara Genge (Member # 3468) on :
I'm confused: what or who is a Silvershaper? At first it was a plate or food because you said immediately afterwards that it wouldn't hurt the king so I asumed he was poisoning the king. Then it turns out to be a person, the king's taster? Had to think too much. The name of the magician is dangerous, how about simplifying the spelling. Loved the flow and the unusual opening. Would definitively be tempted to read on, but I think it needs lightening up.
Posted by Novice (Member # 3379) on :
Thank you, Sara, for replying to an old post. I appreciate all of the comments, and I'm sorry I forgot to thank everyone who responded earlier. I hope the critiques I post on other fragments are as helpful as the critiques I've gotten when posting my writing.
Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :
This is so much clearer than the first version. You definately have me interested!
I do want to know what the Silvershaper does and why this character is poisioning him. But I don't feel like I need to know it in the first 13. I assumed that a Silvershaper is a person who is essentially a silver smith. If that assumption is wrong, you may want to clarify what a Silvershaper is in the first 13.
I echo the comments on the "plaques." Would "plates" or "implants" work?
When you get this to a point you are looking for readers, feel free to send it my way.