Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Glass Wizard

This is topic Glass Wizard - revised in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Salimasis (Member # 2490) on :

Fantasy - unfinished. Was to be a short story, now will be a novel. Length unknown as of yet. Critique?

The day Daeron Graymage began his journey to truth was not in itself very remarkable. What happened on that day was.

Daeron had wakened in his own bed in the loft of his parents’ home, surrounded by his younger siblings. Being the eldest, he had chores to do before breakfast, so he rolled off his straw bed and reached for his shirt and pants. His rustling and thumping about wakened his brother, Bran, and the younger boy raised his head to blink into the sunlight slanting into the loft through a small window under the peak of the thatched roof. Bran was only nine years old.

“I dreamed about dragons,” Bran said. “They were just like in the story you told us last night.” It was Daeron’s habit to tell his brother and sisters stories before going to bed.

***

Edit: I expect someone will ask if the ages of the children will matter enough to mention. In establishing relationships, I believe it does, especially as the story covers multiple years of their growth and maturity. It also establishes Daeron's position in the family and his standing with his siblings.

[This message has been edited by Salimasis (edited May 29, 2006).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I like it. Homey, nice, and yes, I think knowing the ages is really appropriate

I wonder about having a short story expand spontaneously to novel length. I'm not sure I'd be up to it.

I might well be willing to read, depending on the length. ?

Posted by Novice (Member # 3379) on :

Your first sentence is very awkward. I suggest that "...not in itself very remarkable..." is a complicated way of saying "unremarkable." I also felt "...rustling and thumping about..." was a little overstated.

The fragment left me wondering why none of the younger children have chores.

All of these things fall on the level of nits, and I rather like the fragment otherwise. It has a lot of passive voice, but that doesn't detract too much from the story. You've done a reasonable job setting out a rough idea of where your plot will go, a basic character description, and setting.

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

My problem with this (apart from names I've come across a thousand times before) is that your opening line tells me I'm going to be bored.

It's a very risky technique to say "Nothing exciting happened on Tuesday. What did happen was this..." if the autthor comes right out and tells me that nothing exciting is going to happen, then why should I spend time reading it? Part of reading is a sense of anticipation; a sense of not knowing what's coming up. You not only dilute the sense of anticipation, but you actively tell me NOT to anticipate anything exciting.

If I believe you, I don't want to read on. And if I disbelieve you... well, again, you have to be exceptional to make me trust you after you've lied to me (Michael Marshall Smith did it in "Only Forwards", but he'd sucked me into the book's bizarre world and characters so effectively that I didn't actually mind, and the lies had a kind of reason behind them as well - plus the book was written in first person, and unreliable narrators generally work much better in first, not third).

Posted by mommiller (Member # 3285) on :

I am intrigued by your premise.

However, in my opinion, your first two lines do nothing toward your introduction of your story as I find them almost contradictory and want to skip them entirely.

Also, I tend not to critique the first thirteen lines of stories I want to read more of, and I would really like to see your first chapter, if possible.

Do you have a first chapter done?

Let me know.

Short stories becoming novel length happens all the time around my house, must be something in the water.

Posted by Salimasis (Member # 2490) on :

Thanks for the critiques. The first chapter is well under way, should be finished by the end of the week. I will be glad to share and get more critique, thank you very much!

[This message has been edited by Salimasis (edited May 30, 2006).]

Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :

In general, I like everything but the first two lines. I have a solid picture of this loft in my head, and I can already tell that Bran and Daeron have a warm sibling relationship.

One place you might improve: you tell three times that Daeron is older than Bran:

* "by his younger siblings"
* "Being the eldest"
* "the younger boy"

I recognize that "Being the eldest" serves the function of showing why he needs to do chores, but that's still a sign that you can edit down more if you choose.

Regards,
Oliver

Posted by Sara Genge (Member # 3468) on :

The first frase doesn't grab me: "in truth" is reduntant. "Nothing remarkable and co" is unremarkable. The way you slide off that first frase into the narrative is unconfortable: why not start with the narration right away?
The rest I thouroughly enjoyed.

Posted by Salimasis (Member # 2490) on :

Thanks again for the critiques. This is very helpful.

Posted by Shendülféa (Member # 2964) on :

I don't have a problem with the first couple of sentences. It was the voice you used that hooked me, not what they were talking about. Usually, I'm hooked by voice more than anything. If a story has a good voice, it can make even the most mundane thing interesting. Just my opinion.

Nit: When I read the name "Bran", the first thing that I thought of was Raisin Bran.

Oh, and short stories becoming novels isn't that unheard of. My own novel started out as a short story. I turned it into a novel after several people told me they thought it would be more effective that way than as a short story.

Posted by thexmedic (Member # 2844) on :

I'm going to also jump in on those two first lines--while it's good to hook the reader, this sounds like an over-promise. Currently you're way too close to saying "Read on! Something exciting is going to happen!" which wouldn't hook anyone.

After that it gets much better. In fact my only nit after that is with the word "wakened." I have no idea what part of what tense that is, but I would just stick with "woken" and "woke." Still, that's pretty subjective.

Good luck. Hope this helps.

Posted by Salimasis (Member # 2490) on :

quote:
When I read the name "Bran", the first thing that I thought of was Raisin Bran.

That made me chuckle! I actually picked up the name from one of the Cadfael mystery books. It apparently was a common name in England in Medieval times, and I like it's simpllicity.

Thank you all for the compliments on my story. I haven't been able to spend the time with it I wanted, but hope to amend that soon.

Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :

It's Welsh, meaning "raven". I first heard it in Susan Cooper's _The Dark is Rising_ series.

I knew he was some sort of god, so I googled it ("bran welsh names") and almost fell into all the ancient Arthurian stuff I found. Check this out:

http://www.castlewales.com/dinas.html

I have work tonight and really shouldn't get started.

Regards,
Oliver

Posted by cklabyrinth (Member # 2454) on :

I rather liked the first paragraph. In my opinion the second sentence juxtaposes the first in an attractive way. I was hooked.

I would probably be disappointed, though, if dragons didn't make an appearance in the first chapter, since his brother dreamed about them, and since it's been established that something remarkable will happen on what I concluded to be the day Daeron left.

Off topic: Bran meaning raven in Welsh is kind of a revelation to me. If anyone's familiar with the character Bran from Martin's Song of Ice and Fire series, you'd probably understand. Thanks for that interesting tidbit of information.