# # #
I write this epitaph for a woman I have never met. But it must be me, for there is no other, and this is all I can give to such great a debt. She passed unknown and unacknowledged from this world, leaving no body nor grave nor any lasting memorial, save perhaps a lingering suspicion in those who took any notice at all.
We met during the first breath of spring. People trundled through the roads, laughing and chattering and basking in the sunlight that shone bright, yet soft. The air was tinged with the sweet scent of the artificial cherry trees planted in perfect pairs to either side. And I was wandering befuddled outside, trying to piece my mind back together after a marathon bout of database programming.
# # #
--I've been waffling over this a bit. 'Epitaph' or 'eulogy'? Eulogy seems to be used more often, but it doesn't seem to have the DEATH! overtones that epitaph does in its definition. (I want to be blunt in the beginning that this story is a commemoration for the dead.)
--Should I keep the 'I write' bit in the first sentence, or would starting with 'This is an epitaph...' be better? (I suppose this point is moot if the crit is that the first two sentences suck and should be tossed. *g*)
--Beginning the second sentence with 'But'. Yea, nay?
--And the dialogue didn't quite make it into the 13 lines but... *looks around stealthily* Is it all right that people decades from now will be wandering around going 'all right'?
[This message has been edited by AHazard (edited May 30, 2006).]
I also like eulogy better. Epitaph, to me, conjures up images of writing on a gravestone.
And thanks, putting one check mark under eulogy!
I don't understand the second sentence, because "...it must be me..." is a phrase I've most often heard used with sarcastic or ironic overtones. I'm still not certain what you mean to be saying there, but I suspect the speaker is implying that he/she is the only one who remembers the dead woman. There should be a clearer way to convey this.
You mention a "debt", but then just leave that tidbit dangling. I think the "debt" is your hook, but you move past it too fast.
I don't mind starting the occasional sentence with a conjunction.
"He did and he did not meet her." Oh. If I know from the start of a story that the writer is going for that kind of paradox, I just quit reading. If I figure it out at the end, I feel betrayed. I don't like stories that never answer their own riddles. Some people do, though, so this is just one person's opinion.
Hope this helps.
Others have hit on the "never met," "unknown and unacknowledged" and "we met" problem. Clarity is missing. Tell me why: (1) he thinks he's(see I picked a gender and will be annoyed if I am wrong) never met her" (2) she was unknown and; (3) he met her on what sounds like the start of a lovely spring day. He knows. Don't withhold the information since this seems like it is part of your hook.
quote:
But it must be me, for there is no other, and this is all I can give to such great a debt.
As anyone who has had me critique their stories knows, starting a sentance with an "and" or "but" is a real nit for me. I don't mind it once or twice, but the temptation is to overuse it. So while this one use causes me no problem, I would start counting the times you resorted to using an "and" or "but" to start a sentance. You use "and" to start a sentance in the next paragraph which makes me suspect you might use "and" and "but" too much for my tastes. Once the use of the words hit an arbitrary annoyance threshhold, I put the story down regardless of how well written the rest of it is.
I also think you can say that the MC is the only person who can tell this story without referencing the "debt." I'm willing to wait and read on as to why it needs to be him. If you mention the "debt" I want the next section devoted to telling me what the "debt" is.
You might be better off deleting the first paragraph and starting with the second one.
quote:
And I was wandering befuddled outside, trying to piece my mind back together after a marathon bout of database programming.
IMHO - The "and" weakens the rest of the sentance. How about something like:
"After a marathon session of database programing, I wandered aimlessly through the (park, field, Astrodome)."
I know a bit more about the MC and the setting this way. Also, the sentance flows better because I am not trying to cram too much information into it.
You don't have to hint at everything in the first 13 lines. I want to know if your writing style will drive me crazy before the end of the story and have some idea what the story is about. If too much is hinted at and withheld in the first 13, the story goes in the "drive me crazy" pile.
If you can clarify (at least in my mind) what is happening then I would probably read more.
To me, the hook was the last line, that narrator is doing something with database programming. If it's just his job and not particularly relevant, I'll be disappointed. I want database programming to have something to do with untimely death!
I personally want less time spent on narrator telling us about his telling us the story (a little's OK) and a quicker mention of the hook.
Not too bad.
# # #
We met during the first breath of spring. [Etc]
Would a scenebreak between the paragraphs help clarify things I bit? I wasn't actually trying to make it seem that the narrator was meeting the dead woman on first read-through. (He is, sort of, but that's not really important to know.)
I thought saying who he's actually meeting "I met my chimera during the first breath of spring" would be more confusing at this point, since chimeras won't be explained for quite a bit yet. (Not to mention he wouldn't know she's a chimera at this point either.)
Calling her by name "I met Chiandra with the first breath of spring" might not help with the confusion if the reader thinks Chiandra is the dead woman anyway. Also, it might be a bit repetitious as she's about to introduce herself a few lines down.
And sorry, there's a lot of messing around with computer tech and programming, but no more databases after this point.
Use whichever you feel like using. I think that you intend for this to be an epitaph...the only monument this woman will get. But that's probably because you already used the term in your opening.
A more important problem is that the direct contradiction simply confuses us. He never met her...but he did meet someone. So who did he meet? Someone who noticed her? Another befuddled database programmer? Leprechauns?
We don't know, the only thing we know for sure is that you aren't talking about the narrator meeting the subject of this text because he clearly states that he did not.
Other than that, I don't dislike what you have. I could read 5k more of this, probably.
Perhaps, if the contradiction is needed for the story, you open differently:
quote:
I write this eulogy for a woman I have never met. But this is not the whole truth, for I remember meeting her during the first breath of spring.
The diction on this might be a little high, especially for a database programmer (just kidding, Will), but hopefully you see the point: I tried to at least get it in the open immediately so that it's not quite so shockingly contradictory in the second paragraph.
quote:
'Epitaph' or 'eulogy'?
My vote goes with "eulogy".
quote:
Should I keep the 'I write' bit in the first sentence, or would starting with 'This is an epitaph...' be better?
I think the "I write" is fine, but it sets a mood -- Victorian, almost -- that needs to be paid off.
quote:
Beginning the second sentence with 'But'. Yea, nay?
Personally, I think that if you don't overdo it, it's fine. Until I started working in marketing, I didn't realize how often people do it, and how rarely people notice. I generally avoid doing it, but I don't stress about using it when it feels right and the alternatives are clunky. There are times when I want a full stop and then want to continue on another, related track. Stringing together clauses with semicolons has its limits, and "But" and "And" work well enough.
quote:
Is it all right that people decades from now will be wandering around going 'all right'?
That specific phrase is so well-embedded into the culture that I'd say no one will blink at it. If anything, they might wonder why you don't spell it "alright". *shudders*
Regards,
Oliver
Ps: In biology a "chimera" is an organism which has cells with genes or chromosomes from two different beings ie: a person who has some cells that are XX and others that are XY
[This message has been edited by Sara Genge (edited June 08, 2006).]