He leaves his father's palace at dusk. He pockets some stardust and glam and closes the door to his room. Goodbye talking peacocks and kismet rolling dice, goodbye magical spandex. The world awaits; he has a mission!
He tiptoes down the sturdy oak steps, lingers in the giant library, fingertips brushing dust off oversized books (farewell, farewell) and down the beanstalk, softly, softly, nobody must hear! When he arrives, he reaches out with nimble feet to find the sapling limb, wraps his toes around it for support and then hop, into the kitchens, where he is not allowed but always welcome. The cook feeds him and he almost forgets his mission as he pats her big bottom and stuffs himself with coriander wine and muffins, honeysuckle juice and cardamom that smells like sweat from an Arab Adonis.

 

There's a couple of things I'm sure most of us will point out, and that's going to be the present tense and the lack of a name. Present tense can be done well, but it's usually better to keep a story in the past tense and I'm thinking that that's the case here. And is there a reason "he" doesn't have a name? It's hard to connect with an MC that goes nameless, especially since I assume this guy is royalty and everybody would know who he is.

That aside, I'm not engaged because I don't know what's happening. He has a mission! but what is it? I can't feel any of that excitement he's feeling unless I know what he's doing. Without that information, everything else that follows is meaningless to me.

[This message has been edited by Ray (edited June 04, 2006).]
 

Again I became a little lost in the second paragraph, when he arrives, having been down the beanstalk, and then grabs a limb. Now he is in the kitchens, which I assume are detached from the house, or are they someone elses's house?

Good imagery, and I don't mind not knowing his name yet. It appears that someone will be speaking to him soon, and then I will learn it.
 

I'm a little put off by the complexity of your phrasing and sentence structure. It would be hard to read a long story written in this style. In particular, that second sentence in the second paragraph is a doozy. I think you should break it up, especially as the sentence before it is equally complex. (Personally, I'd break up both of them. You have seven ideas/actions stuffed into two sentences.)

You could just leave out the last sentence in the first paragraph, as you convey his sense of secrecy and purpose through your description of his actions. IMHO, the reader doesn't need to be told that he feels he is embarking on a mission.

The last sentence in the fragment is run-on, which is merely a nit. It holds some very nice imagery, and tells us a lot about the MC.

I'd keep reading this for sure, but I'd wish for a revision to make it less complex.
 

I agree with many of the comments that have already been posted, but you've got an intriguing premise and a couple of great details (like "the kitchen, where he is not allowed but always welcome"). I'd be glad to give it a look.
 

Also I question capitalizing Arab Adonis, is this a proper noun?

Ditto on the him leaving the palace then going through the library.

I want to know what magical spandex does.
 

I'd appreciate knowing what the mission is, but I can wait a little. What I have a little more trouble waiting for is the name of that character.

You might also want to reconsider the present tense unless it's absolutely necessary to the story (many editors don't like it).

Otherwise, it's a pretty good hook.
 

Mercury decided to leave his father's palace at dusk. He pocketed some stardust and glam and closed the door to his room. Goodbye talking peacocks and kismet rolling dice, goodbye magical spandex. The world awaited; he had a mission!
He tiptoed down the sturdy oak steps, lingered in the giant library, fingertips brushing dust off oversized books (farewell, farewell) and down the beanstalk, softly, softly, nobody must hear! The servant's building hung lightly from a branch. Mercury wrapped his toes around the limb for balance and crept into the kitchens, where he wasn't allowed but always welcome. The cook fed him and he almost forgot his mission as he patted her big bottom and stuffed himself with coriander wine and muffins, honeysuckle juice and cardamom that smelt like sweat from an arab Adonis.

 

Naming the character and using the past tense make a huge difference, minor touches such as mentioning that the servant's building is hung from a branch of the beanstalk also give the setting a much more defined and original feel. I wouldn't mind reading more of this at all.
 

I'd like to find out what happens send it to me.
 

The references to various magical, or at least abnormal, objects, such as stardust, is really good. It gives the world a feeling of mystery, and a little bit of depth.

Unless the 'Magical Spandex' line is necessary, or your story is at least semi-humorous, I'd boot it. I can picture some of my less mature students making fountains of jokes of it.

Not letting us know your mission is okay, but, with short stories, it is usually best to get right into the plot. Readers will often give the story more time to develop in novels, while short story writers can get the short end of the stick. You, unfortunately, need to fight all the more hard with your first few lines.

Lastly, while some unexplained details can be good, you're story seems to leave us hanging a bit. There may be a bit too much mystery, too little substance.

Hope I helped, and I'm sorry if I kind-of 'talked down' to you in that. I do this for high schoolers all day, it is a little hard to get out of my system.
 

[This message has been edited by Sara Genge (edited June 07, 2006).]