What Piercing Cold I Feel - 834 words - ghost story
Readers wanted for the complete story. No comment on the opening necessary, as most would be answered by reading further and this whole story is rather short.
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As I sit here in my study, just down the hall from our bedroom, I am shaken. I am cold. I fear.
Moments ago I ran from there, shouting incoherently, my first wife’s tortoiseshell comb in pieces in my trembing hand. The comb was broken; it snapped in half when I trod on it. But the teeth were already broken off and it was covered with my wife’s blood before I stepped on it, when I saw it this night, for the first time in so many years.
I had just come here to my old home from the hospital where Claire finally lay still, sedated to still her raving and to rest and to heal.
But what rest is there for me now? What healing?
I am sorry; I digress. Where was I? The hospital. Yes, it began at the hospital.
Posted by Ray (Member # 2415) on :
I'll read.
Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :
Thank you. On the way.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
I'll read it, Mike. But you should know that I'm not excited about starting with a flashback frame. There'd better be a darn good reason that you aren't just starting at the hospital. Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Classic narrative frame, he's writing this in his study, after breaking his wife's comb. I will comment on that, because you want to keep the present tense there, "the comb is broken" as you segue from present into past. In other words, the comb is broken, it broke (snapped in half) when he trod on it, it was already broken (the teeth were already broken) when he trod on it.
See what I mean? Changing the tense there gives you a really good intro into the timeflow of a narrative written so close to the event.
But I'll save any other comments till after I read more.
Posted by Rhyner (Member # 3480) on :
I'll read.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
Survivor, I recognize that it's a classic narrative frame, but I'm just saying that I'd like there to have been reason to use the frame when I get to the end of the story. I was crankier than I would be with someone I don't know, mostly because I trust that Mike does have a reason.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Why don't you put this up at LH, too? Easy to find, easy to critique, at least for that board.
Posted by Nietge (Member # 3474) on :
Please, wbriggs, what is LH? Another critique site? I haven't heard of it; I'm intrigued! Any info you could proffer would be welcomed.
Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :
quote:I'll read it, Mike. But you should know that I'm not excited about starting with a flashback frame. There'd better be a darn good reason that you aren't just starting at the hospital.
oh, heck. classic narrative frame?
Thank you all, on the way.
Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :
Umm. Does it have to be a GOOD reason, Maryrobinette? There is a reason, I assure you. It isn't spelled out, though.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
Ha! Will you send it to me?
Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :
Once you send me an email address that works. Or take me off your banned email addresses list.
Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :
Actually, the answer is simple; in the ghost story genre, hauntings are often tied to place. Further, think a bit about what 'It' could refer to in the sentence 'It began at the hospital.'
[This message has been edited by mikemunsil (edited June 18, 2006).]
Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :
my only comment is that I thought it was weird that someone would discover the bloody comb of his first wife and presumably some ghastly scene to accompany it and then race to his desk to write about it.
HOWEVER, I am a HUGE M.R. James fan and this work sound like his stuff. So I will read it if you send it to me.
BTW: If you're interested, Project Gutenberg has a bunch of his stories available online.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited June 18, 2006).]
Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :
On the way. Now I'm off to find out who that author is.
Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :
Cool. Downloaded his two volumes of works to read and learn from. If HP Lovecraft thought he was the best, that's good enough for me! Thanks for putting me on to him.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
Bother. You aren't on the banned list, but my web hosting account is run by a bunch of crack smoking llamas. I sent you my gmail address.
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
OK, now I wanna see the crack-smoking llamas take on the evil robot monkeys.
From a safe distance, of course.
Posted by LMermaid (Member # 2778) on :
Have you ever posted a version of this story before? It seems familiar....
Anyway, if you still need readers, I'd be happy to read for you.
Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
Nietge asked what LH is and hasn't gotten an answer. LH stands for Liberty Hall, and Mike is the moderator. It's a website for writers of flash fiction, stories under 1000 words. Do a search on "Flash Challenge" on this site, or visit http://www.libertyhallwriters.org/
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
Not only flash fiction, otherwise I wouldn't hang out there... (I have trouble writing under 1000 words... hey, sometimes I have trouble writing under 100000 words...) but the main focus of it are weekly writing challenges, with a 90-minute writing deadline, followed by critiquing and voting during the week.
LH has helped me to become significantly more productive as a writer. Indeed, "The Box Of Beautiful Things" began life as one of the LH Flash challenges.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I got my first first-tier pub from a flash challenge (although I expanded it to conventional length).
Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :
Mike,
MR James is great. Glad you downloaded some of his stuff. They tend to be 'sleeper' stories. The sort that hide-out at the back of your mind and sneak up on you when you're not expecting it. There is one called "The Mezzotint" that I think you will like.
I have your story and have read it. Will get the crit back as soon as I can, day or so.
Andrew
Posted by Louiseoneal (Member # 3494) on :
I'll read it. I think you can see my email addy (I set it up so you could in profile) but just in case:
