5k short story. Literary. I'm Interested if you'd read on.
It's time for my appointment with Lawrence. I'm still getting down from two grams of coke and feel pretty terrible, but I drive there anyway, not bothering to change out of the clothes I wore last night. The stench of vodka still clings to the lapels of my sport coat.
I get to his office almost twenty minutes late: five minutes wasted sitting behind the wheel of my father's Benz with my foot down hard on the accelerator before I noticed it was still in park; fifteen minutes trying to call back Triple A and tell them I didn't need to be towed after all.
[This message has been edited by Swimming Bird (edited June 21, 2006).]
Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :
Personally, I wouldn't, but not due to the writing. It's just that as far as I can see, there's nothing interesting about the MC and no hint of something coming down the pike that I'd be interested in. Given that you've labeled this as literary, I wouldn't depend upon reactions based soley on this snippet.
Posted by Louiseoneal (Member # 3494) on :
I'd make 'feel' feeling, it goes with getting, or else put an 'I' in front of feel, otherwise something there stumbles, but not terribly. I might leave out 'back' as a given, since it's obvious from the context he already called them once. Or perhaps change it to 'Triple A back'.
All this is nitpicking grammar, I know, but that's all I'm stumbling over. I'd keep reading. This character is a mess, he sounds like fun to follow around for a bit.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
No. I do like well written "lit-fic", but I don't regard all the stupid "lit" conventions as being worth much.
Posted by Sara Genge (Member # 3468) on :
I'll read, I'm willing to give that present-tense a chance. Send it in, but I may be slow to respond (two weeks)
Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :
Doesn't interest me.
The writing is capable but bland and shows me nothing out of the ordinary to get hooked on.
Posted by Novice (Member # 3379) on :
I like literary fiction, and I've recently been on a tear catching up with the short stories in all my past issues of lit mags. This fragment is pretty well written, and ambitious with the first person-present tense. But it will have to compete with an army of drug-memoir stories (thanks, I believe, to Frey, and all the writers who have tried to capitalize on the door he opened.) I'd probably quit on this one, because the POV and tense are tedious for me to read, even though executed well, and I'm tired of drug stories.
Posted by Swimming Bird (Member # 2760) on :
Thanks for all the feedback.
I'd just like to address one thing. Drug use it a constant theme in a lot, if not all, of my stories. I try to treat it as nonchalantly as if the characters were popping Flintstones Chewables. The story isn't really about drugs at all; drug use is just so ingrained in my character's life that it has completely lost all of its risque connotations. This is in no way a drugs-ruining-life type of story.
[This message has been edited by Swimming Bird (edited June 21, 2006).]
Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :
Swimming Bird I liked this one. I've done the whole "ringing RAC and then realise I left the car in park thing" so that made me smile. I wasn't sure of the sex of the MC -- I'm guessing he's a bloke, though only because of the sports coat. There are some differences in the assumptions I would make about a girl in her dad's benz compared to a boy in his dad's benz, so I thought it mattered. It's up to you whether you want to activate those stereotypes in the reader's mind but it could be useful.
PS There's something a bit Iain Banks/Wasp Factory-ish about it; not sure why. Are you looking for readers? I can't read right now, but in a couple of weeks will be okay to go.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited June 21, 2006).]
Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :
I'd read it. I like the voice, and that's the main reason I read literary stuff. Something would eventually have to happen for me to be satisfied by the story -- something some lit fic authors don't seem to consider -- but it sounds like something's going to happen here.
Regards, Oliver
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
If drug use isn't the intended hook . . . what's the cool thing in your story, that would make us want to read? Telling us might solve the problem.
Posted by Swimming Bird (Member # 2760) on :
He joins a rambunctious band of Indonesian cut-throat pirates in the third paragraph that take him off to the Horn of Africa where he reunites the country of Somalia through sheer wit and cunning under one, unified banner.
In all seriousness, though, Lit Fic is about the characters not the plot. The plot is there, but it takes time to develop and is impossible to really quantify into a sentence or two. I think people read lit for the characters, so if by these lines your don't find the character weirdly curious, and interesting, then you probably aren't going to read further. The hook of this snippet is the character himself.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
This character, "totally worthless waste of priviledged upbringing", is one of the lit-fic conventions I particularly despise. I mean, I like "totally worthless waste of unwanted protoplasm" stories better, that's how little I like priviledged wastrel characters (I don't mind them outside of lit-fic, though).
I mean, this may play well with the priviledge wastrel crowd, which may explain why it's part of the lit-fic tradition, but I don't think anyone else is going to feel very attracted to this kind of story.
Posted by morningstar (Member # 3586) on :
My brother at one time was heavy into drugs so I kind of related to this. I liked the writing and description. Still, piqued my curiousity.