I am interested in a few critiquers for my latest effort. I want as much critique as you can give me. If you can only give me a 'careful reader' crit, that's great too.
I suppose you could call it urban or contemporary fantasy.
I also welcome comments on the first 13:
quote:Jack Daws checked the clock. 5:42. Eight minutes until the international weather report.
Something up, he thought. He had that prickly feeling this morning, like the crackle of towels fresh out of the drier. Only cold. Something up.
With a frown he pressed the button to start the coffee percolating, slipped on the old scuffed pair of rubber garden clogs he kept by the back door, switched off the electric fence, and went out, his dog Hogarth at his heel. The screen door creaked as he let it swing shut behind him. It set the animals in the pens to bawling and neighing for their breakfast.
"Later," Jack said, too low for them to hear. "I need to check the stones."
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited June 21, 2006).]
Posted by Louiseoneal (Member # 3494) on :
I'd keep reading. The only nitpick I have is: The shoes are scuffed, do you need the word 'old' in there?
Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :
That sounds great. For some reason I see peeling paint and a tree near the back door. I'm always keen to read your stories, enjoy them very much, but I can't read right now.
PS: Samuel's in hospital right now, not serious but very tiring/time consuming.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited June 21, 2006).]
Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :
Sorry, Kathleen. I counted 13 lines in Times instead of Courier.
[This message has been edited by djvdakota (edited June 21, 2006).]
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I like it. You might need a comma after "with a frown", but I won't nit anything else for now. I'll try reading more.
Posted by Crotalus (Member # 2345) on :
Since you gave me one of the best crits I ever received, I'd be happy to look at this. Though I can't promise my crit will be as thorough as yours was. Also, I may not be timely. Lots of demands right now. But I do promise to read and give honest, and i hope helpful feedback.
peace, jsw
Posted by Ray (Member # 2415) on :
I'll read.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I'm going to be a little more negative, but not much so.
Main problem I have is that MC thinks something up, and I don't know why. Does he believe he's psychic?
Now, this can work. Girl opens the door to her house, and for some reason the dark living room seems frightening. The door slams behind her and she almost screams. She doesn't know why she's on edge. Maybe it's her imagination . . .
The trouble is I don't know if this is what's up with MC, or if he's psychic, or if he's crazy. This should be easily fixed.
Nits:
I have no idea why Jack cares about the international weather report, or even why there is one. I want to know, or else I want this put off until you're ready to explain
"Something up" sounds like baby talk to me. Or Tarzan.
The sentence fragment "Only cold." confused me. I had to reread to get what you meant. This could be easily fixed: ...out of the drier, only cold.
Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :
I'll read. And I echo the fact that you do really good critiques.
Regards, Oliver
Posted by LMermaid (Member # 2778) on :
Looks like you've got some readers already, but if you need more, I'd be happy to read.
Posted by thexmedic (Member # 2844) on :
Lovely writing. My only real issue was with the "Only cold." sentence. It made me think "why did you use that image then." I know why though (I think)--because it's a really good image. Maybe there's a way you can save it (I'd maybe suggest just turning it into "but cold" and tacking it onto the previous sentence, rather than giving it a sentence all of its own).
Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :
I'll read it.
Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :
Thanks to all. It's on the way.
Posted by Sara Genge (Member # 3468) on :
I'll read My problem was with the MC anticipating something that was going to happen. That always sounds kind of artificial to me.
Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :
I'd read on. Not now, sadly, because my schedule's a bit too full. But this beginning works for me as it is.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
I would read on. I'm on vacation next week, so if you need second readers, send it over.
Posted by Badger (Member # 3490) on :
I'd read on. Minor nit is the character's name. A Jackdaw is a type of bird (of the crow family I think) and your MC's name straightaway reminded me of that, for obvious reasons!
