“These are the beginning moments of your death. Watch carefully, for it is your only hope of avoiding it.”
Mud from the fall clung stubbornly to the man’s night suit. The sounds of sirens cascaded across the courtyard as he fought to regain his footing. With each siren, a quickened step, with each step, another siren. He looked back from where he had come, revealing his face, which held an expression of understanding, anger, and guilt.
The video stopped. The face remained.
William could not avoid the eyes on the screen. The look
I hope this fixes alot of the old mistakes! Thank you for all the help.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I think this is much better. Now I know why I'd want to read! I will add: if the fall isn't the fall that killed him, what was it? Why are there sirens when hasn't been killed yet? (Does the viewer know the answer to these questions?)
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
Oh, I like this. I didn't read the first version but I'd keep reading on this one. Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :
This is interesting.
Posted by Rilnian (Member # 3506) on :
Thank You, now I now what to do, and what not to do! I've decided to create a chapter 1, instead of a short story, and see how it comes along. Once I have finished it, I will ask for critiquers.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
POV.
Posted by Rilnian (Member # 3506) on :
POV? Sorry, where? Hard for me to find since I wrote it.
Posted by Ray (Member # 2415) on :
He means that you need point-of-view.
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
The shift did throw me a bit, you might want to make it more clear who's watching what. It might not make too much of a difference with a reader, but it might break your chance with an editor.
Posted by Verdant (Member # 3498) on :
I wonder if it would work by starting this by describing hte voice that introduces the video tape. "A pleasant female voice announced..." or whatever type of voice makes the announcement. This is a cool hook and I would read on.
