This is the start of the second section. (A new story perhaps?) The boy (Mika) is Carik's son. Now heir to the ship Song of the Sands.
“I want to see my steel.” Mika stood amidst the blowing sands. “I want to speak with my crew.” Girati and Rim laws were clear, as Carik’s true child, Mika was right. It was his steel. It was his crew. To the crew and the Girati it didn’t matter that he was only fourteen. What mattered was that he was blood. Mitch knelt to bring himself even with the young boy. He wasn’t sure what to say. Carlos had hidden his true nature for so many decades that most people didn’t understand these men in sable and sand who now called this steel home. “How is she?” “Four major breaches. Three are fully repaired, one is being repaired. We should be space-worthy again soon.”
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited June 27, 2006).]
Posted by Rilnian (Member # 3506) on :
I enjoy your style of writing, but the story is somewhat confusing. It may be due to the fact that I know nothing of pervious Carik/Mika stories. The Carlos part really threw me off, for there is no mention of him previous to this sentence:
Carlos had hidden his true nature for so many decades that most people didn’t understand these men in sable and sand who now called this steel home.
Besides that, it sounds intriguing. Keep up the good work!
Posted by Ellepepper (Member # 3520) on :
Carik and carlos are the same man. It comes up in the other story that Carik had taken a human name, Carlos, to hide the fact that his given name was Carik Honorata.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
What's a "steel"?
You might reduce the name count somewhat. You've got Mika, Girati, Rim, Carik, Mitch, and Carlos, in a short space.
Beyond that, it's hard to say. If this were page 1, I'd want more explanation. But you probably gave it earlier.
Posted by Ellepepper (Member # 3520) on :
Steel is the girati word for ship. That also comes up in the other story. If you say 'my steel' it is MY ship. The ship that I am a part of. But the word Steel=ship Crew=family. Since most of the crew is Girati he uses the Girati phrase.
Posted by Ellepepper (Member # 3520) on :
Mika is the boy. Girati is the people, Rim is the pace Mitch is the first mate and Carlos is Carik. But again, this is a follow-on to the other piece.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
There are a few minor syntax issues, and some major clarity problems. Some of this is no doubt because this is not your opening, but a bit of it seems to be intentional. You have to be careful about putting style before substance in your writing. With original SF particularly, you often are assuming background information that doesn't exist outside of your own head.
Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :
If (and only if) the term "steel", the Carik/Carlos-Mika relationship, and the distinction between Girati and Ram are made clear earlier, this might be perfectly clear.
Even so, I have a problem with this sentence:
quote:Carlos had hidden his true nature for so many decades that most people didn’t understand these men in sable and sand who now called this steel home.
You have an antecedent (might not be the right word, but I'm sure Mr. Writing Person would know what it would be), "Carlos...decades", that doesn't really connect to the, um, posterior, "that...home". [What I mean is that the stuff before "that" doesn't match the stuff after it, but once MWP came into my mind I couldn't dumb it down just because I'm the illiterate philistine...]
Unless I'm really missing something, when Carlos hides the fact that he's Carik it doesn't change what people understand about the men in his ship. And I'm also not clear on whether Carlos hid his Carik-ness from his men, which would make the sentence even more ambiguous.
Regards, Oliver
Posted by Ellepepper (Member # 3520) on :
He never told the people he worked with on the ship that he was Shedda. In fact, he hid it so completely as to change his name from a shedda one, Carik, to a Human one, Carlos. The Rim is important because everything happens out there. there is no law in the rim. Steel is just the Girati word for ship.
Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :
quote:He never told the people he worked with on the ship that he was Shedda. In fact, he hid it so completely as to change his name from a shedda one, Carik, to a Human one, Carlos.
Okay, but does that really mean that "most people didn't understand these men"? It seems to me that you mean something more like this: Carlos had hidden his true nature for so many decades that even his men, wearing the sand and sable of his uniform, had trouble relating to his son. (Note that I'm not really trying to write or edit the sentence yet; just trying to understand what information you're trying to convey.)
Regards, Oliver
Posted by Louiseoneal (Member # 3494) on :
I agree with the others on the minor confusions. And I'd keep reading.
Posted by Ellepepper (Member # 3520) on :
No, the men in question are the HUMAN crew of the Sands, which is now overrun by Shedda (Men in sand and sable) who don't understand why these people have taken up residence on their ship.
Posted by Sara Genge (Member # 3468) on :
Too many characters in too little words. otherwise I liked it