A drop of rain clipped the tip of Michael’s nose as the priest spoke his father’s funeral benediction. The morning news had mentioned a possible spring shower while he had cinched up his tie in his hotel room. Despite the warning, Michael had left his umbrella in the trunk of his rental.
Michael’s father used to prod him to go on walks before rain saying, “The world never smells cleaner than before a storm.” Michael welcomed the approaching dark clouds as a fitting accompaniment to his father’s burial.
The drizzle turned into a sheet of fat drops. The mourners who had come ill prepared for the downpour huddled under the umbrellas of those who had. Michael closed his eyes and let the water hit him.
But, I also have a small belief issue. At all of the burials I've attended, they had a canopy set up for the family. So it makes me wonder if there is one and he's standing on the outskirts of it.
Survivor: Your comment is too criptic for me. I planned for this story to start with a funeral. Can you please explain?
Although, the flashback that I caught was when he thinks about walking in the rain with his dad, although I feel that instance is more inner monologue then flashback.
I wasn't even thinking about the hotel line. Good catch. Here, I think this is stronger.
A drop of rain clipped the tip of Michael’s nose as the priest spoke his father’s funeral benediction. The polished oak casket drew a morbid line between him and the crowd of mourners he faced. He watched the throng huddle closer together under their canopy.
Michael’s father used to prod him to go on walks before rain saying, “The world never smells cleaner than before a storm.” He welcomed the dark clouds as a fitting accompaniment to his father’s burial.
The drizzle turned into a sheet of fat drops. Michael closed his eyes and let the water hit him.
[This message has been edited by Raisedbyswans (edited June 29, 2006).]
EDIT: Maybe you could combine the last three sentences? It seems a little chopped up.
[This message has been edited by EvoL (edited June 29, 2006).]
Personally, I would give it all a more surreal and dreamy feel, because that's how people themselves often feel at funerals - they can't believe it. It will help to bring the reader into the story if you make them feel what those at the funeral a feeling.
Lastly, special events like funerals can be extremely useful for good character development and the development of relations between characters in the book. People generally try to put their best forward at funerals, and there is typically quite a range between the different characters' "bests". Simply describing the plot of land and the headstone can say a lot about the deceased, and describing the attitudes and appearances of those in attendance can say a lot about their social statuses, relations, maturity, etc.
I've gone back and forth between the two versions and I'm still leaning towards keeping the flashback. I feel it's one of those situations where POV beats out what is technically appropriate.
The raining funeral is definately ciche, but I use it to show the fundamental difference between the MC compared to the rest of the mourners. I'm not big on summarizing as a means of validation. If anyone's interested, I'll email them the chapter. I would like to know if the rainy funeral still feels cliche when placed in context the with entire scene.
Best to all and thanks for your thoughts.
[This message has been edited by Raisedbyswans (edited June 30, 2006).]
Michael stood on an incline 46.325 meters away from his father’s casket watching the throng of mourners huddled close under a canopy. A drop of rain clipped the tip of his nose as the priest ended the benediction.
“I’ll get your umbrella from the car, Sir,” Calhoon whispered.
“No need, I haven’t experienced rain in years. If you like, you can retrieve it for yourself.” Michael heard the faint squishing of Caloon’s steps against the damp grass as he retreated to the car. The drizzle turned into a sheet of fat drops. Michael closed his eyes and let the water hit him.
Michael’s father used to prod him to go on walks during mild rains saying, “The world never smells cleaner than before a storm.” As his clothes grew heavy from the water, he thought the wet weather a fitting accompaniment to his father’s burial.
I feel like I know much more about Michael in this one.
I didn't like the extra decimal places in the distance. It's meaningless to speak of the position of a human body in units smaller than decimeters, you nail it down to the millimeter. One decimal place is enough to let us know that Michael knows exactly where he's standing without making it sound like you don't know how small a millimeter is.
Other than that, I like the introduction of Michael's social stature and the connection to the fact that he hasn't felt rain in years. Along with the more explicit exploration of how this led him away from a specific thing his father valued, it gives this opening a solid foundation.
I agree that the distance is too precise to be accurate. It's also too far to hear anything at the funeral, and requires an explanation at some point as to why he's standing so far away. It appears as though he's not welcome at the funeral. If that is the case, then I think it should be followed up by some reaction from the other mourners. It can be as small as an ashamed or resentful glance in his direction.
"I haven't experienced the rain in years" is a good addition, but it would be better in the narrative, or have him state it to himself as Calhoun walks away. Otherwise it breaks the reality for me, because I can't see someone saying something like that outside of a movie. Also this Calhoun appears to be a servant, and people who have servants don't explain themselves to their servants. It would get too exhausting if servants came to expect simple orders to be followed with explanations.
The last line is a visual, but I can't see or feel it. It needs more description.
I can review the whole thing if you want to email it to me
Best Regards.
The other thing about the canopy is, it depends on where you are and what sort of service it is. I've been to a few where there were none because the place didn't provide them, they were extra.
I like the feel of the first one, and the mini flashback didn't draw away from it, in fact, it showed me a little more character I think.