There have been stories told about Dragon gate manor for as long as anyone can remember the place existing, but being a child, and from another country, I had heard none of them. All I knew of Dragon gate manor was that it belonged to my family, was owned by some minor relation of mine, and was to be my new home.
No one was even sure of where Dragon Gate Manor had come from, no one remembered when it wasn't a part of our family. That was why no one knew when Conners had become the head of it. For that matter, no one even knew why it was called Dragon gate. There was some rumor about an old Dragon Scale mirror, but there were many of those. No, it had the name Dragon's gate for a reason, and, when I found that this was to be my new home,
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 03, 2006).]
What's more interesting to me is why your narrator has to live in Dragon's Gate. Was there a death in the family? who's the relative taking the child in? why's the relative taking the narrator in? There also doesn't seem to be any reason for the narrator to mention that there were stories about the place until the stories actually get told to the narrator. All that's relevant now is that Dragon's Gate has always belonged to the family and the narrator feels ... well, actually, I don't know how the narrator feels about it. Knowing that may help me understand why the narrator wants to find out the reason for the name.
What's the word count?
[Maybe try: 'Always belonged to my family' and leave the following sentence out]
No one was even sure of where Dragon Gate Manor had come from, no one remembered when it wasn't a part of our family.
That was why no one knew when Conners had become the head of it.
[Do we have to know this guy is the head of it right now? I'm getting too much info too fast.]
For that matter, no one even knew why it was called Dragon gate. There was some rumor about an old Dragon Scale mirror, but there were many of those.
[Are there many dragon scale mirrors, or many rumors, or many rumors specifically about dragon scale mirrors?]
No, it had the name Dragon's gate for a reason, and, when I found that this was to be my new home, I set in my heart that I was to find out why. Little did I know how much that choice would change my life, and the lives of everyone involved.
[I agree with the above post on the 'little did I know' and 'if I'd known what I know now' device]
And, indeed if I had known then what I now know, I don't think I would have embarked on such a dangerous mission with only Jules at my side.
In addition on a technical note, keep an open eye on your consistency of the name. In these thirteen lines we have 'Dragon gate manor', 'Dragon Gate Manor' & 'Dragon's gate'.
"where Dragon Gate Manor had come from" - odd choice of words, unless intentional for later plot usage. Manors don't usually 'come from' anywhere, rather than being built or constructed.
"I set in my heart that I was to find out why" - again, odd choice of words. 'I set my heart of discovering why' might be more concise and to the point.
Not a bad hook at the end, but possibly 'mission' would not be the best word to use. Then again, that is only conjecture as I don't know what the 'mission' has to do with, but it sounds too formal for a quest/venture/struggle involving a scary old house with a strange name.
Teph
How long is the novella? I can do a bit of it.
There have been stories told about Dragon Gate manor for as long as anyone can remember the place existing, but being a child, and from another country, I had heard none of them. All I knew of the Manor was that it had been in our family for generations, and that now, it was mine.
There were whispered legends of a dragon-scale mirror located on the grounds. And perhaps that was true, but there had to be more. The secrecy upon the house told me there had to be more, and I determined to find out the true story.
Before I continue though I must explain what had sent me here thousands of miles from my home in a car with only a driver and my loyal companion Jules to keep me company. Jules besides being my friend, my guardian, my bodyguard and my confidant, was
[This message has been edited by Ellepepper (edited July 02, 2006).] 42526 words to answer the length. Not complete...
[This message has been edited by Ellepepper (edited July 02, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 03, 2006).]
Please send me more, I'm sucked in (pun intended)!
By the way, how long is it?
I'll try some of it.