Hatrack River Writers Workshop: First 13 lines.

This is topic First 13 lines. in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by RinkRatWriter (Member # 3535) on :

I've been struggling with the beginning for my current work lately, but today this came out in a bit of a flood. The work itself is still in progress, but I'm willing to share what I have if someone wants to look at more.

Stepping over the body of the dead Imperial soldier who had been unlucky enough to have been assigned sentry duty, Faden gestured for his men to follow him in silence. For three days the invaders had been wandering through the Wastes, defiling every holy site they stumbled across, breaking open sacred tombs, spreading the debris of all they had corrupted upon the sands. For three nights the invaders had rolled themselves to sleep oblivious to the danger that stalked them through the dunes. The shaman had told Faden before he had led his men out that on the fourth night the defilers would be driven from the desert by his hand.

Posted by Louiseoneal (Member # 3494) on :

Stepping over the body of the dead Imperial soldier

[You could probably leave out 'dead' since they're stepping over his body. I see 'Imperial soldier' I think Star Wars, for some reason. Not even sure I should think it, but...]

For three nights the invaders had rolled themselves to sleep

[I understand 'rolled themselves to sleep', but I had to pause a second. The rest of the description I liked.]

The shaman had told Faden before he had led his men out that on the fourth night the defilers would be driven from the desert by his hand.

[Is the shaman leading the men, or is Faden? Is the shaman going to drive out the invaders with his hand, or is Faden going to drive them out?]

Posted by Ellepepper (Member # 3520) on :

I agree I still hear imperial and instantly the picture of a storm trooper pops into my head. You might want to change that word. Rolled themselves to sleep confused me, but the rest was cool.

Is the person who'se pov we are in Faden? If so you need to make that clear up front. But I like.

Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :

quote:
Stepping over the body of the dead Imperial soldier who had been unlucky enough to have been assigned sentry duty, Faden gestured for his men to follow him in silence.

I think you might be trying to pack too much in here. The sentence is a little long, and that makes for a long trip between the step and the gesture, which are (I'm assuming) simultaneous. I also think that beginning a sentence with an -ing construction weakens it, because you're waiting for the "real" action verb. Finally, "body of the dead...soldier" is redundant, as has been mentioned.

Put those thoughts together, and I get this: "Faden stepped over the dead sentry and gestured for his men to follow him silently." I'm not sure whether you need "silently" or not.

quote:
For three days the invaders had been wandering...The shaman had told Faden...that...the defilers would be driven from the desert by his hand.

Unless I'm reading wrong, the identity of "the invaders" is ambiguous until you reach the phrase "by his hand". It could be either the Empire or Faden's band.

Regards,
Oliver

Posted by RinkRatWriter (Member # 3535) on :

Thanks for the feedback all. It did feel a little clunky, but I couldn't pin down why.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Figure out where your story begins.