Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Vision (reprise)

This is topic Vision (reprise) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :

I put up the original first 13 a while ago just looking for help on the intro. I was in a rewrite phase. Now I'm interested in readers for the whole thing. (Of course, comments on the first 13 alone are very welcome.)

It's probably second draft quality, so I'm not too concerned with nits (although if you're a nit-picker like I am (should I hyphenate "nit picker"?) you're welcome to comment). Mostly I want to know if it's a good story: is it, especially the ending, plausible? Too predictable? Too out of nowhere? Are there things that you think I should cut or amplify? That sort of thing.

[EDIT: Also looking at titles. I'm thinking "Seeing Things", but if you have a better suggestion, please let me know.]

It's about 5,000 words, SF, but current-day.

Warning: There are a few suggestive descriptions of pornography, but most aren't graphic and none are terribly detailed. It's not gratuitous: I'm going for a particular unpleasant effect that the MC has to deal with. But I'd be interested in knowing whether people thought it was overdone. I also use the f-word once in that context. (Good thing this place is only for those over 18, right? Can I be arrested for this? )

-----

Tom tried to keep from showing how nervous he was, but the swivel chair amplified every jittery move he made. Its plush leather and bright chrome, though beautiful, was still a failure if it didn't help him sit still.

Unless it was designed to keep him on edge. Andris, his brother-in-law, calculated the effect of everything. Each item in his office surely had its purpose — the large mahogany desk that crouched between them like an overgrown Rottweiler, the elegant burled-walnut pen with bright gold accents, the pictures of loyal friends and family on the wall.

Finally, Tom screwed up the courage to speak. "I want out," he said.

Andris's expression, so often a contemptuous mask, changed to

-----

Thanks!
Oliver

[This message has been edited by oliverhouse (edited July 06, 2006).]

Posted by Neoindra (Member # 3422) on :

I remember the first thirteen, and although I thought they were good, I like this opening better. I’d be happy to read.

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

I agree. This rewrite is better. I'll read too.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I'll read, but it may take me a week.

Posted by Louiseoneal (Member # 3494) on :

I'll read.

louiseoneal1972@yahoo.com

Posted by Louiseoneal (Member # 3494) on :

Lovely story all the way through. Very little to complain about. I emailed the one problem I had with it and a handful of nits.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

It seems like I should easily understand the description, but I don't.

Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :

Interesting. Too many words? Phrases too long? Too little context?

Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :

Tell me if I got it right..the MC is feeling constricted, controlled like a dog. He tires of his brothers methods of control and seeks to burst from his bonds..

Posted by mommiller (Member # 3285) on :

From the first 13 I could tell that your MC is obviously intimidated by his BIL, and am curious, and would read more, to find out why this is and why your MC wants out.

In my opinion though the phrase, "...his brother in law, calculated the effect of everything. Each item in his office surely had it's purpose." I feel is awkward. Aren't most items in an office to serve some sort of purpose? I get what you are trying to say is that your MC is intimidated, you show that exceptionally well. To me, this phrase merely reiterates that and you could cut it.

From what I can tell here, this looks to be a very interesting story. If you need someone to look at your next draft, keep me in mind. But I like to nit, (knit too!)

Edited for some missing punctuation.

[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited July 14, 2006).]

Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :

TMan1969, mommiller,

Sorry it took so long to reply. I've been unable to do anything involving broadband recently.

TMan, you got it basically right, and his attempt to get out is about to make it much worse for him.

Mommiller, thanks for the opinion on that phrase. I see what you mean, and I'll chew on it.

quote:
From what I can tell here, this looks to be a very interesting story. If you need someone to look at your next draft, keep me in mind. But I like to nit, (knit too!)

I got some good feedback from this last round and it looks like I have some more significant work to do. If you don't mind, I'll just send it on when the time comes, to keep from cluttering up the message board. And I don't mind receiving nits at all, I just don't want anyone to waste time on them if I haven't gone through everything with a fine-toothed comb yet.

Thanks,
Oliver