Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Second short story: True Names

This is topic Second short story: True Names in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Louiseoneal (Member # 3494) on :

2954 words, draft two. Sci-fi, near future. And I'm looking for readers for this one too, if anyone is willing.

I am an ethical assassin. I do not kill indiscriminately, and I do not kill for personal reasons. I do not accept assignments that require me to camouflage my work by destroying families and communities. Oh, I know, I know. I am a geneticist. The sins of the fathers are visited upon the sons, it is often so. But this I leave to God. I am ethical, and I am humble.
I have only one demand:
Do not blaspheme the True Name.
And some of you are perplexed, and others will feign ignorance, but I will tell you. I will explain the nature of my work and the nature of the Name.

Edited with critique in mind. Not sure what to do about a reader wanting to get to the action, though. I'll have to think that one over.

[This message has been edited by Louiseoneal (edited July 07, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 07, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by Louiseoneal (edited July 08, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by Louiseoneal (edited July 09, 2006).]

Posted by Ray (Member # 2415) on :

I think I can handle 3000 words.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I was interested for the first paragraph. Then I wanted to skip to the action.

Posted by wrenbird (Member # 3245) on :

Nice. I was intrigued, and I'd read on. My only qualm was with this line
"I will place this writing in major publications, I have only one demand:"
I didn't feel the need. Even with first person narrative, it seemed like it was breaking the fourth wall. You could skip straight to to "I have only one demand"

Posted by Novice (Member # 3379) on :

I am a little confused by the "Oh, I know, I know." What kind of response is he trying to stave off?

I like using conjunctions at the beginning of sentences. I like the way it makes a paragraph flow, but you might consider dropping a few of the repetitions in this fragment. It makes the narrator seem to ramble, and I think I'm supposed to see him as hyper-intelligent. I would expect him to have more organized thought processes, especially if he has been considering this public confession for a long time. I'd expect him to sound almost rehearsed.

You set up a paradox for your character in the first few lines, and it might strain credibility as you get further into your story: "...I do not kill for personal reasons." And then he mentions "assignments." So, he works for someone, killing people. Yet he is allowed to pick and choose among assignments. This implies he has a great deal of control over his own actions. Later he says, "You do not know me, or I would long be dead." Killed by his own employer? The same employer he is free to defy, to say "no" to if he doesn't like his assignments? Right now, I'm still with you. But this limits the kind of claims the character can make later on.

On the whole, I really like this fragment. All the repetitions of "I" would get tiresome, if they kept up at the same pace, but I'd keep reading anyway, because you've set up an interesting series of conflicts.

Posted by Louiseoneal (Member # 3494) on :

Novice, I'm trying to show a character in denial about his own actions and motives. Rambling and repeating phrases is a bad way to do it, especially since my antagonist (short on sleep for months) does the same thing. I must have been rambling and repeating myself a little when I was writing it. I haven't cleaned this one up enough, I guess.

I see what you mean about the 'I'd be dead' comment. I better take it out, this story is too short to explain that he is secretive more in fear of people wanting revenge (for something he did or something they thought he did) or someone killing him to stop a criminal investigation.

Posted by Novice (Member # 3379) on :

Oh, I don't know that rambling and repeating phrases is a bad way to protray this character, given what you said about him being short on sleep. If the story explains that, and if there's some evidence that he's aware his thought processes on the subject aren't entirely organized, then "rambling" might be just the tone you are looking for.

What you say about denial is interesting, because that's got to be a tough one to portray in first person. You're going to need your reader to decide the guy is in denial, which means readers are going to need to distrust him a bit. Why did you decide to write this story first person? (I'm not criticizing, I'm interested. I never tackle first person, except in poetry.)

Posted by Louiseoneal (Member # 3494) on :

My antagonist is short on sleep, not my POV character.

I decided to write in first person because the idea came to me with a phrase, "I am an ethical assassin."

I wondered, what moral code would a geneticist who tailors diseases for assassination have? What would be a sin to him? For my POV character, altering DNA to kill is sometimes okay, and it's okay to alter DNA to cure diseases or reduce susceptibility to diseases, but to genetically alter the way people think and behave is blasphemy.