This is a 6000-word fantasy story with religious themes called "The Magician," and I'm looking for readers for the whole thing (although comments on the opening are always appreciated, too). Thanks!
Brother Luke rode into Upriver Beesham on a fine spring day, the sun shining on his tonsured head and the flowers blooming by the roadside. A crowd of village children ran ahead of his donkey, shouting, “A magician! A magician is coming!” and all the townsfolk hurried outside to see.
“Huh!” Luke heard a man say. “Doesn’t look half old enough to be a magician.”
“Aye, he’s much younger than the last one.”
“And better looking,” giggled an older girl.
“Hush your mouth!” a woman snapped, cuffing the girl on the ear. “Magicians have to be pure to work their magic, so don’t go disturbing him with your cow eyes.”
Luke ducked his head to hide a smile.
Posted by Novice (Member # 3379) on :
"...the sun shining on his tonsured head and the flowers blooming by the roadside." I had to stop and re-read this, more than once. Because the two parts of it are symmetrical, they seem to be a list. But I finally figured out (I think) that the sun was shining on both his head and the flowers, and the flowers just happened to be blooming by the roadside. I can't name any grammatical reason to change the way it is written, but I can tell you it confused me.
I'm not sure I like mixing "village children" and "townsfolk", as villages and towns seem to be two different degrees of settled communities. This may just be a personal preference, other readers may not agree.
"Huh" feels contemporary to me. It looked out of place.
Using "giggled" as a tag for dialogue bothers me, because you can't really giggle and speak at the same time. I think you could convey the same thing, without it feeling forced, if you said: "An older girl giggled and said, 'And better looking.' " (Or something like that. I suggest changes, but then the changes require more changes...you probably wouldn't want to leave those two "and"s there together. Maybe it's better the way it stands.)
The scene seems a little slow. "Stranger arriving" is such a common opener, and there's not much in this piece to really grab me. It is a gentle opening scene, which is fine except that it leaves me merely "interested," instead of really hooked. I can't say I have much idea of what the story will be about, what kind of conflict will drive the plot, and whether or not I like any of the characters. There's no sense of whether or not he has gone to Upriver Beesham because he simply wants to be there, or if he has some duty to perform. There's no good sense of how the townsfolk feel about him being there. I can tell his arrival is causing a disturbance, but I can't tell if he is expected and they are just excited about his arrival, or if he has arrived unannounced and they are curious about his intent.
Posted by thexmedic (Member # 2844) on :
Apart from the facts that it instantly reminded me of the LOTR movie-intro to Gandalf, and that I have no idea what the word "tonsured" means (though that's likely due to poor vocabulary on my part) I have no real problems with this.
Posted by LMermaid (Member # 2778) on :
Thanks for the comments! A tonsure is the shaved part of a monk's head.
I agree that the opening is gentle (good word), but I'm not sure what to do to make it more engaging.
Posted by PatEsden (Member # 3504) on :
I'd love to read it.
Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :
I like it, but I don't know what's happening yet. It feels like the beginning to a novel (and yes, that novel might just be LOTR) rather than a short story. If you're not in a hurry, I'll read it.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Nit: My initial picture was of a fat monk riding a bicycle, and the picture had to be adjusted. Easily enough fixed:
Brother Luke rode HIS DONKEY into Upriver Beesham on a fine spring day
Only major complaint I have here is that we don't know why Luke is coming to town, so the hook's missing -- and I can't relate to Luke, since I don't know what he's doing. Also easily enough fixed.
Posted by Louiseoneal (Member # 3494) on :
I'm interested in the stranger, but I have to agree, it does seem more like a novel opening than a 6000 word short. Still, 6000 words does give some room to play with.
Posted by mommiller (Member # 3285) on :
I'll give it a read, send it on my way.
Posted by Dude (Member # 1957) on :
It is kinda a slow beginning for a short story. Not sure I like the jumping around to hear the crowd's comments. I would rather find out more about the monk. I'm willing to read it though. wolf_dude64@yahoo.com
Posted by LMermaid (Member # 2778) on :
Thanks for the comments and the offers to read! Story's on its way.